What will it look like?

Eli is being spotlighted in Primary on Sunday because she had her birthday this week, on the 2nd. They asked me to share one thing that our family loves and admires about Eli. That is a difficult task...do I pick something simple that the primary kids would understand, or even that Eli could understand? Naki is so much better at recognizing things within each of the girls that is identifying and unique to them than I am, and so I have felt the pressure of this assignment keenly. I know whatever I tell the Primary will be said in about 30 seconds and probably only 2 or 3 people will actually hear what was said! But still, it's important to me that I honor Eli by thinking seriously about our love for her and by contemplating what she teaches us. And so I have been mulling several different options around in my head this afternoon.

Through this process, I have discovered something that innately I already knew. As a parent the traits I most admire in my children are not the ones that always look the most rose tinted, are easily acquired, or don't require effort on their part. They are not the ones that seem sparkly and somewhat perfect and geometric, kind of like a beautiful gem. Instead I cherish the qualities of the girls that may appear rougher and are a bit dirty around the edges instead of rosy because of all the digging deep they had to do to acquire them. Instead of sparkling like a gem I envision these qualities looking like pieces of iron, welded together bit by bit, one uneven piece at a time, with the welding material having turned solid as it was dripping down the edges. There is a sheen to these qualities for sure, but you only can see it because of the polishing through all the different layers of grime it took to find it.

I knew immediately which quality of Eli's I wanted to share as the one our family loves and admires about her. Here is the statement I shared with the Primary.

"In our family we honor Eli for her ability to do things even when doing it makes her nervous or afraid. Eli is a very brave and courageous little girl, and her smile when she knows she's done something even though she was scared to do it makes us wish we were as brave as her."

Now. If I could just convince her that getting a new roll of paper towels from the garage (of which she's afraid to enter alone) doesn't warrant screaming usually heard by someone who is mortally wounded. Trust me when I say that little girl deserves every piece of iron that she's welding together. I wonder what it will all look like when she's done? I wonder what all of our's will look like when they're done.

Champions

It's surprises me every time, although by now I don't know why it does, when I encounter yet another champion of mine. I just simply cannot understand why my champions have decided to champion me...did I use the word "champion" a bit too much just then?

I don't feel like there is any possible way to describe in words the mental state I find myself in some days, although it's worth trying. There are mornings when I wake and feel like I'm living in a rerun, shocked all over again to not see my Baby laying there beside me. And then there are some mornings when I have too much running through my mind regarding the day ahead of me that I hardly notice it at all. And then there are the days where I feel the combination of the two. I feel a bit glazed over in my gaze, and feel almost robotic in my ability to continue to place one foot in front of the other. This morning as I was walking into the gym I thought, whew! I'm here...don't really want to be, but I'm here.

As I walked into the Cardio Cinema room I let my eyes adjust to the darkness for a minute. I was disappointed to find that all the treadmills were being used, and decided to use an elliptical machine in the row directly behind the treadmills. I figured I'd stay there working out and would be able to see when a treadmill became available. I was thrilled when only 5 minutes had passed. A girl on a treadmill almost directly in front of me stepped off of her machine and left the room. I knew it was imperative to act quickly. A couple of months ago I had planned the same machine-switching-manuever only to have someone move quicker than I did. By the time I'd gathered my belongings, grabbed a paper towel and spray to clean the machine, and walked over to the once available treadmill, someone had beat me to it. To add insult to injury when I turned around to return to my elliptical, it too had been swiped from under my feet. I was determined that would not be my experience THIS time. I had planned to not walk the long way around the back of the ellipticals and back around to the row of treadmills but would instead cut through straight to the row in front of me. I'd also thought ahead and had decided I would place my keys, phone, and water bottle on the treadmill and would THEN go get the papertowels and spray to clean it off. Such foresight, I know.

I made my move. I barely made it through without getting my head whacked by the moving arms of all the elliptical machines. I reached the treadmill in record time and lifted my hand to grab onto the arm of the treadmill. The glaze over my eyes was about to go sailing across the room, unable to stay a part of me, banished from fogging my view if only for a moment, because as I pulled myself up and onto the treadmill imagine my surprise to find it still on and running! Yes, it's true. I have now officially fallen off of a treadmill TWICE. And scraped more skin off in strange places, TWICE.

There were so many sounds happening in such quick succession, it's hard to figure out what order they happened in. The squeaking sound of my shoes, the thunking sound of my head and chest, the clang of something (I'm not sure what) hitting the ellipticals behind me, the air rushing out of my lungs, the sounds of the workout machines stopping around me, and finally the sweet and somewhat hesitantly shocked voices of people asking me if I was okay. And I'm not sure, but I think there were a couple of snickers and muffled guffaws as well. I felt more shock and humiliation than pain, truthfully. But I'm not sure they believed me when I told them I was fine because I stayed on the floor for quite some time...looking for my phone. That thing had quite the flight this morning. The last thing I wanted to do was go ask someone at the front desk to come in and turn all the lights on so I could locate it. As I gathered all of my far-flung possessions, I could hear the healthy whir of that traitorous treadmill. I already hate the dang things...do they really want to keep racking up notches in my book against them? I very carefully placed my feet, this time on the outside NON-MOVING portion of the machine and stepped up on it, and was surprised again to find that the person hadn't taken their ipod or phone with them...they weren't actually finished with their machine, and instead of pausing it had just left it running when they stepped off. So, feeling awfully foolish for being so focused on getting the machine I wanted and not noticing the numbers on the console were still moving, I awkwardly limped back around, this time not cutting through the rows of machines, and back to my quickly discarded elliptical.

The favorite part of the entire thing would have to be when the woman reentered the room and went back to her still running treadmill. You could just SEE everyone's heads in the room fall on her accusingly. She was absolutely clueless as to what had transpired, until my new champion, the man running on the machine beside hers, leaned over to fill her in on the last 3 minutes of drama she'd missed. I could hear him telling her that you're not supposed to leave your machine running! I honestly just wanted to leave and go home after my accident. But Man! Hearing your own words echo back to you is hard. I've told the girls over and over to not let stuff like that get to you. You fall, then get back up. That's all there is to it. It's only embarrassing if you're worried about what others are thinking of you. Those were the words I heard in my head, and so I finished my work out. Hey. At least I provided some people with a really good laugh. Even Naki got a good laugh out of it, I'm sure. If he's unaware of what transpired, because I'm not sure how much of what goes on down here they're aware of, I'll be sure to tell him when I see him.

As I was leaving the Cardio Cinema Room I was stopped by a dear dear dear friend, another Champion. We had just a brief conversation, but it brought me to tears. He conveyed to me the feelings of love that he, his wife, and his children have for our girls. I can't figure this out. This family in particular has had intimate involvement in the well being of our family for over 6 years now. I feel baffled at their ability to pour love on us in such a manner. Most of my confusion comes from feeling like it's not an equal relationship. I often expressed to Naki how frustrating it was to me that it felt like we were the takers in this particular friendship and never the givers. It still feels like that. Quite often some of our children aren't always respectful to them. When we're at their house some of my girls have been known to walk in their pantry and help themselves. Much to my frustration I struggle to get the girls to clean up the mess they make when they're there. And yet my Champion told me that any time, no matter what, if I ever needed anything all I had to do was call. I walked away this morning and felt such gratitude for having gone to the gym when I really would have loved to have been anywhere else. I guess you never know where you'll run into one of your Champions.

My Beautiful Eva

I have several significant events that have happened for the kiddos that I have yet to blog about. Since this blog started out as a way for me to keep track of their young years, I need to talk a bit about Eva's birthday trip to Salt Lake. This year we were given some tickets by a dear friend for the planetarium in Salt Lake, and thought that Eva's birthday would be a fun fun time to make the trip up there. To add a little fun (for the kids) and a little complication (for me) I decided it would be extra adventurous to park in Sandy and ride the Trax the rest of the way. The girls were thrilled! Of course, no outing would be complete in their eyes if they didn't have some of their family along, and so it was extra fun because Rex, Misty, Kyra, Tiera, and Aria joined us. On a normal day which we don't really have anymore, these kind of outings I embark on because I know the girls deserve to have them. But truthfully they just stress me out! I want everyone to have a good time, create fun memories, and my ultimate goal is always to not lose anyone. I wish Naki could have been there. He is so much better at nurturing his and the girls' adventurous spirit than I am. I know it won't be the first nor the last time I'll wish for that. This excursion was no exception. I was stressed a bit but it was such a relief to have extra adults along to help.

As we were riding the Trax, it quickly became clear to me by the girls somewhat audible gasps and averted glances that my kids are extremely sheltered living here in Utah County...Orem, Ut., otherwise known as "Family City, USA". They are so unaccustomed to seeing anyone who doesn't have a clean cut haircut, or seeing anyone who may sport an occassional earring in what appears to them to be a place where earrings don't belong. It provided good opportunity to teach them that outward appearance is not always a reflection of one's inner appearance. Here's the group waiting to ride up to the Planetarium...Aria's hidden a bit behind Lose's elbow, but she's there. And the following shot is Line and Kyra. I told Kyra's parents the other day that I think it's quite the tribute to these girls that I have never heard a single fight between the two of them. Don't assume that's because they are exactly alike and agree on everything. Although that's partially true, the fact that they never argue tells me about how much they love each other. They compromise constantly, and figure out how to see things from each other's point of view. Such sweeties.



I love love love this picture of Line and I. I regret that I'm not in more pictures with the girls...quite the conflicting struggle with me, since I don't really enjoy the way most of the pictures I'm in turn out. I know the importance of them being able to look at pictures of themselves with their Dad. It was frustrating as I was looking through our pictures that as they got older I didn't have as many pictures of them with Naki or I. So, I consider myself quite the martyr for purposefully placing myself in front of the camera. Not my favorite place to be. But on this occassion I loved the end result. Isn't Line just so beautiful?


These monkeys are such a whirlwind of giggles, arguments, tight squeeze hugs, sharing, fighting, and loving when they're together. I love Eva's smile. It makes me warm inside.



Every little girl should be so lucky to have such a fun and loving Uncle as their Uncle Rex. He tries so hard to help each girl be a good listener to me yet at the same time letting them know that he loves them. He would do anything for my girlies, and they know it.



I posted this picture to show the owies on Eva's face. All of the girls feel such a loss of control, understandably, in their lives as a result of their Dad dying so suddenly. They each have chosen different ways to exert control in their lives, and let me tell you, none of them are pleasant or easy in any way. One of the ways Eva chose immediately after Naki died was by picking at her skin. She had a little cut on her hand that had started to scab over and decided that in her moments of stress and anxiety that she would pick at that owie to relieve those overwhelming feelings. Soon, I discovered a new one on her sweet face, and tried to not be sad about it. Too soon after finding the first one on her face, another one appeared on the same cheek and it was too much for me. It was so so difficult. Almost every time I would tell her something to do, or somewhere to go, or if it was time to eat, time to go to bed, pretty much any direction I gave her, she would feel the need to place herself in opposition to it. Seriously, it really was almost EVERY time. The ability to compromise with her had completely disappeared. She also felt the need to show control in her life by acting irrationally, just because she wanted to and could. I had to pick my battles very carefully and choose which things were the most important to focus on. She wanted to let go of my hand and run across a busy parking lot. She wanted to run through the front door if it was open and run away. She wanted to not be potty trained anymore. She wanted to tell complete strangers that she didn't like them, and still does. She wanted to oppose me when it was time for baths, meals, bedtimes, potty times, etc etc. I knew that on the times when I would have to contradict what she wanted that she would choose to deal with that contradiction and loss of control over her own choices by picking at her scabs and digging in her skin to make new ones. It has been awful. It feels horrible to know that by trying to keep her safe it forces her to harm herself. It is especially frustrating when they've started to just be a scar and she reopens them... Bandaids are our new best friends! If she has one covering her owies it sometimes keeps her from picking at herself. I was surprised to see her sweet little face in this picture, as I hadn't seen this picture since I took it back in December. I am SO happy to report that she has officially let the sores on her face completely scar over. She is still working on the one on her hand, but we are making HUGE progress.



We enjoyed dinner after the planetarium, and finished it off with some scrumptious Rocky Mountain Apples...which if you've never had, you need to have soon. Mmmm. You can see Lose, unwilling to smile at me in this picture because she's just too busy eating her slice of caramel apple, covered in M&Ms, I believe.


I sure love my little Eva. It is so comforting to look at her sweet face and see Naki staring back at me a bit. She is talking SO much, and saying such fun things. She speaks with such animation, and today I couldn't stop watching her talk while I was driving. I kept checking my rear view mirror to see what hand gestures she would use next. When she really gets going her tongue keeps making these cute lizard-like appearances out the side of her mouth. Kinda hard to explain, but super adorable. She still takes excellent naps, and is having mixed feelings about Ane being able to say her name. It was cute the first couple of times, but I think it's getting a bit old now that she's had it yelled at her nonstop since yesterday when Ane figured out how to say it. I can hardly restrain myself from sticking my face in the crook of her neck. I just love her scent! Naki would always say, after he was regrettably shoved away from snuggling in her neck, that she smelled so yummy and salty. Don't know it that's good or not, but we just can't get enough of it. Just can't get enough of her.

The Ultimate Remodel

I. Am. Exhausted. Just plain pooped out. And for now that's my number one excuse...I mean, reason...that I'm not posting what I know I should. I have had a spiritual transformation over this past week. The entire process started around the time of Thanksgiving, and has quite the variety of thoughts, emotions, and insights included in it's entirety. It's now almost February, and I still haven't completely posted about it. I've alluded to it, but feel a bit overwhelmed in it's impact on me and want to be able to convey the enormity of it appropriately. As a result, I'm avoiding writing it. It seems like I'm always too tired, too brain fried, or too distracted to be able to spiritually convey what I know Heavenly Father wants me to. It WILL come to me when I'm ready, this I know for certain. I'll think some more on it as I sleep, and for now will post a quote on here that I've wanted to share with all of you. I heard it several several weeks ago during Relief Society on a Sunday that was particulary hard for me. It came at the very end of the lesson, and to me it says volumes about my spiritual efforts that on this difficult day for me I was actually still intently listening at the end of the lesson after being bombarded by confusing, dark, and isolating thoughts for three hours straight. I know that it's impact should be shared with others in the hopes that you too might be able to see the wisdom and feel the ripple effect from such simple words. Because it was important to me, I wanted to quote it and it's source accurately, and so inquired of the teacher it's source. She recently found it and emailed it to me. Elder Neal A Maxwell said it in a book titled "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience".

"It is strange that when one is remodeling a portion of his house, he expects visitors to be tolerant of improvements that are so obviously underway. Yet while one is remodeling his character, we often feel obligated to call attention to the messy signs of remodeling, or feel called upon to remember aloud things as they were."

Having my house under remodel since October I know heightened my sensitivity to his words. His words felt comfortable inside of me, and I now try to be patient with everyone I meet. Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps we should all be wearing signs that say, "Be Patient. My Character is undergoing an extensive remodel." I know it'd be a long sign to haul around, but hopefully at least people would be more patient with us.

Sleep, please, just sleep!

There has got to be a better sleep solution. I can get the girls to all go to sleep in their own beds, but am fighting a losing battle around midnight. Two of the girls continue to wake around that time and wander into our bed... Eva every night, and Eli sometimes. It's really not a problem, unless they both decide to come in on the same night. Then they spend the entire time pushing and shoving each other, and arguing with each other. I cannot sleep in these circumstances. Let me repeat that, although what good it will do I don't know, since they are my non-readers and will not read this anytime soon! But I repeat...I cannot sleep in these circumstances! It leaves me cranky and without the small amount of energy that I would typically have, which is barely enough to function as it is. I have tried putting them back in their beds, but that ends in hours of crying and drama that ends up waking the rest of the house. I know this is a common occurance in many homes, but don't want it to be one in mine any more! On a good night's sleep for me all I want to do in the morning is stay in my jammies and lay on the couch. And now that's REALLY all I want to do today. Not gonna work, girls. It's just not gonna work. Hmmmm.

I Did That On Purpose

I may or may not have posted this picture in a previous blog...I can't remember. But as I'm sitting here watching Boo roam the floor like my pet dog used to do, the rationale seemed perfect. I INTENTIONALLY left those lunch crumbs on the floor so that I could help Boo develop those motor skills. There was one slight miscalculation on my part. Her sisters are artists in training and are focusing their artist's madness through Play Dough this afternoon. I forgot how easily a piece of playdough imitates a tasty lunch crumb. Boo let me know which one she'd found...

Sorry for the impulsivness...

So, I realize my extremely impulsive nature...it's a new part of my grieving personality. When I posted last I was in quite a funk. Tuesday I was able to go and finally pick up the completed Death Certificate, and it threw me something terrible. I'll write more details about that soon. But as a result I was feeling so cynical in nature. Here I am, all alone, raising these 6 girlies of mine. I felt overwhelming gloomy at the prospect of raising them up to what? The possibility of something crappy like what's happened to me possibly happening to them? The possibility of trying throughout their youth to make responsible and righteous decisions to only have their reward taken so unexpectedly? Do I really want to give them the hope of seeking for love in a best friend and companion with the absolute possibility that they may very well only have it for 15 years or even less of their mortality? I realize that I am who I am because I love my Naki, my Baby and best friend ever and that the words of my last post are completely opposite of that love. I felt only partly alive until I met him and was taught by him what it really means to live and love. And now I have these girls that I get to pass that love on to. So yes, I realize that I am once again contradicting myself. But in that moment I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted the girls to experience loving and losing as I have. It seemed somewhat safer to perhaps never to have loved. Anyone who knows me knows that I am so not a risk taker. Had I known that this would be happening to me it's extremely likely that I wouldn't have been willing to jump into this insanity on March 27, 1999. But I didn't know, for an obvious wise purpose, and find myself trying to kick my feet and keep my head above the water and not drown.

I have so many things running around in my head and my soul that I want to write down before I forget. I can't even figure out where to start, and quite frankly the procrastinator in me is getting the best of me this evening. I know the time it will take and don't feel like sitting and typing for that long. So instead, I'll simplify for tonight and just say that I'm working on a new persepective today, and it is all thanks to my dear Sister who followed a prompting she received to give me a book she'd read years...and years...ago. (That's a 'getting old' joke Sis, in case you didn't catch it...) The author of that book spoke to me and opened my heart to things I already know and believe, and more importantly to me it opened my heart to the realization that I will come out on the other side of this better, stronger, smarter, wiser, more faithful, more prayerful, more patient, and yes, more beautiful. Okay, maybe not more beautiful, but I was just checking to see if any of you that are reading this were paying attention... I started and finished it all last night, Thursday, and it couldn't have been timed better. Friday mornings are my designated temple morning, thanks to a dear friend who is willing to let me drop off all 6 girlies early in the morning at her house. She feeds them, sends some of them off to school across the street from her house, and then watches the remaining three until I return. I was primed and ready for some "spiritual radiation therapy"...that's a new term I picked up from the Temple President today, President Brown. After spending some time in the temple, I visited with him in his office. He was so generous to spend that time answering some of my questions. He mentioned an article he thought I may benefit from reading titled "Tragedy or Destiny?" written by Spencer W. Kimball. I admit I haven't read the whole thing yet, but was trying to read it amidst the chaos this afternoon. It has touched me. I have yet to process it completely and apply it, but I feel it's truth. He writes:

"I like also the words of these verses, the author of which I do not know:

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
“I will not have you with me any more.”
I stamped my foot and said, “Be on your way,”
And paused there, startled at the look he wore.
“I, who have been your friend,” he said to me,
“I, who have been your teacher—all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?”
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender in my breast,
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song --
Even for one who’d tortured me so long."

I'm far from happy or peaceful even. I felt it important to clear the air about my cynicism and to share the possibility that I may, I said may, be willing to dip my toe in the cold and unfamiliar waters of this new perspective about appreciating and grasping the purpose of my pain. I sense the new emotions that accompany this new perspective, and am unsure about where they will take me, but still feel hopeful. Anything, anything has to be better than what I've felt for the past week.

I want to throw several pictures on here...here are the pictures of the work on the toy room..trying to take pictures as they go.





















I am still putting the room back together and it's almost finished. I'll put a final photo up when it's all done.

This past Sunday Line officially baked the first dessert in our new oven(s). She was sweet enough to let the other girls "help" her...it gave her a bit of a taste of what it feels like to have little "helpers" in the kitchen. Yay for young apprentice bakers...all the more baking I don't have to do in the future.

Here is my Queen Bee...my spelling Bee. Line was lucky enough to participate in her school's spelling bee this year. She made until there were only 10 kids left on stage from the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades combined. She was frustrated by her misspelled word, but tells me as I'm typing this year that it was really fun and hopes to do better next year. I was so proud of her because she did all her practicing on her own, during recesses at school, and in the car as we drove around doing errands and such. I'm not so sure if it was more nerve racking for her or for all of us family watching her. Such an amazing little girlie.

Here are some of the cutest post-bath munchkins I've ever seen.







I received the sweetest compliment from a new dear friend. He asked me if I'd ever gone swimming in a lake before...not sure exactly where this was going, I answered "yes". He then explained how it feels cold as you swim around, but on occasion, you hit a warm patch of water. It feels relieving, comfortable, and ideal to stay there, and a bit of a shock to leave. He compared that warm patch of water to the way it feels whenever he enters our home. I feel compelled to believe him since he enters many homes for his profession and he has been here plenty over the last three months. What a relieving and reassuring feeling to know that even though it's been the worst and hardest past three months for all of my little family, and there's been more contention, impatience, and grief within the walls of our home than there's ever been, that the love and spirit that Naki and I worked so hard to provide as a refuge for each other still remains.