A Hard Habit to Break

I really love General Conference. I really do. The truth is, I haven't heard a lick of it since Line was born. I don't know how you other Mothers out there do it, but between trying to help the kids learn the importance of listening to conference reverently, and trying to help them learn the concept of listening to the Spirit for personal inspiration in their lives while simultaneously wrestling whomever are the two youngest at the time, I end up not really hearing any of the messages. I'm banking on the fact that I'm receiving super blessings for my efforts in attending each and every session I can, and that some day I'll miss the wrestling and lack of reverence. But amidst all the chaos today, one thing was notably missing.

Naki singing along with all the hymns.

His absence is so painful on so many different levels. But today's level is the worst...the physical absence. Sometimes it's emotional, spiritual, goofy, routine, tradition, etc. Physical. Today's is so hard to experience, and is a difficult feeling to describe. I can actually feel the missing of him in the tips of my fingers, on the surface of my lips, the ringing of my ears, and the lack of the weight of his arm across my shoulders. As I was trying to process this feeling, it occurred to me that I'm experiencing withdrawal the way any of us do when we quit a habit, good or bad. This isn't just me missing him mentally, it's an actual physical sensation in my body as it tries to adapt to the withdrawals of Naki. When I get like this, it's best for me to avoid all things that trigger it even more, just like an alcoholic, drug addict, or food addict would. No pictures, sounds of his voice, smells, music, or familiar sites.

This weekend really didn't help any...it was the annual BYU Football Alumni Dinner, which Uncle Jr's band was playing at this year. I wanted to skip out so badly. It seemed more than I could do. But in keeping with what the therapists counseled in regards to keeping traditions as consistent for the girls as possible, I knew we had to go. They love going! It seemed so empty and almost pointless to be there without him. But the girls were ecstatic to go, eat, visit and give hugs to all those big football players, and dance to their uncle's music. Needless to say, not the best situation for my withdrawals. Then to have Easter and General Conference in the same weekend seems torturous and just plain awful. I feel like I have a siren and a big flashing light in the center of my chest that is just calling out to him, and it continues to beckon unceasingly with no response. PLEASE just make the pain go away.

I. Can't. Do. This. Much. Longer.