Beauty

The other morning in the middle of the hubbub of getting showered, dressed, beds made, morning scriptures read, all the morning chores completed, and finally breakfast, I overheard this conversation between Ane and Eva as they sat eating.

Ane: Ooooh, Eva...you look so beautiful today.
Eva: In Pants?!
Ane: Pants is beautiful too, Eva.

I loved hearing this exchange. These two are funny. I have to fight to get them to wear pants. They will opt for leggings and a skirt every time, but lately Eva has taken to occasionally putting on a pair of jeans without being asked to. I think it's fascinating to hear out loud what a three year old is thinking. How did she get so smart and wise? I love the thought that maybe, just maybe, some of what we try and teach about all kinds of beauty is actually heard.

I have postponed writing this post because there are many many many layers to it, and I am unsure which layers to reveal at this time and which ones need more contemplation. My therapist and I have talked many times about how much I love inner reflection. What attracts me to it is that it is not permanent. All the discovery and mental connections I make about myself, Naki, the girls, my relationship with God, and life in general are always evolving. I love the depth that it brings to who I am and hopefully how it helps me to love others for who they are.

Beauty is such a multifaceted topic in my mind, involving many different parts that make it a whole...spiritual beauty, emotional beauty, physical beauty, intellectual beauty, etc. I've had beauty on the mind for some time. Honestly for more time that I care to admit, all the way back to at least the fourth grade, if not earlier. Being concerned about different aspects of beauty to the extent that I was at such a young age is not normal, and I have been discovering many reasons why I was concerned about it. Most frustratingly, my internal dialogue about how I see myself as a beautiful individual still needs altering. The discussions with myself had run unchecked for years but had finally met their debating match when I married Naki. For the first time in my entire life I had met someone who was able to perfectly refute that awful dialogue. He, and only him and his perfect love for me, had this magical power that enabled me to slowly, in small baby steps, start to maybe believe that I was smart, I was fun, I was desirable, and that I was fill-in-the-blank. Many people who have known me for quite some time would be surprised to find that I struggle thinking of myself in these ways, mostly with physical beauty. I had learned long ago that even though I felt this way inside my own heart, that didn't mean that I would lay down and cry defeat to those thoughts. I would try hard, dang it, to work at seeing myself in a positive light and that required placing confidence in myself when I felt the least confident. I remember one specific incident. It was in the evening and Naki and I were getting dressed to go out somewhere. I had given birth to Line a couple of months earlier, and she was still under 6 months old. I sat down in defeat on the bed, and broke down and cried in frustration that I could find nothing to wear. I felt defeated that my body was what it was instead of what I had always wanted it to be, and was telling Naki about my angst. He so sweetly knelt down in front of me and had a candid discussion with me, telling me that who I am is more than the sum of how I see myself physically. Specifically I remember him warning me of the dangers of continuing on this path now that I had a daughter who would one day soon understand what I was saying. He asked me, "Is this the way you want her to feel about herself?" Adamantly I said absolutely not. Not in any way. She is beautiful. She is precious. "And so are you", he replied. The realization of the power of my example to our little girl was important, and he knew it. Thank heavens for that, since we were blessed with five more little girls who are just as beautiful and precious. With him at my side helping me day by day to recognize the beauty that is me, I felt desirable, treasured, and cherished. Those are powerful weapons that he aimed at me repeatedly, and it worked. I started to gain the belief that he had seen all along. I have beauty. All of us do. It just takes the right kind of love to help us recognize it within ourselves.

Through a long and painful journey as a result of Naki's death I have been led to the Savior. He has helped me to see the value I have as a daughter of God. All of his creations are good and beautiful, or at least can be if they recognize their potential and their purpose. Never before have I felt such inner beauty. Never. I feel empowered knowing that my intellect and my spirit can radiate His beauty if I allow it. It is a gift to be able to admit that out of such an awful and ugly tragedy I have discovered the inner beauty that Naki was always trying to help me see. Because of my ability to feel that inwardly, I am especially cognizant of my increasing inability to see my outward beauty.

One of the things that I hadn't considered as a side effect of losing my husband was that I would no longer have that amazing debate opponent for my belittling inner conversations with myself. I have been devastated to discover that bit by bit they have crept back. Or more accurately, they have most likely always been there but without his balance they are once again running unchecked. It is disheartening to realize that this is a battle I am still fighting. I have many who have helped in small ways, but their small acts have helped more than they know. Silly, really. My sister bought me perfume, which I hadn't used in years. Some friends, twice now, surprise the girls and I with heart sticky notes all over our house, hidden in cupboards, cabinets, and drawers with kind messages written on them. Specifically, in my bathroom they write uplifting messages about my inner and outer beauty. Many of the notes were collected by little excited hands that discovered them. But I left those others up in bathroom where I see them every day in an effort to remind myself that what they say could be true. Perhaps most frustratingly is that it seems that all I want to have is to hear Naki telling me those things, which I know someday I will again hear. But what about today? What can I do now to match the way I feel about my inner beauty to the way I feel about my outer beauty? I have been prompted to develop more discipline in multiple areas of my life, spiritually and physically. And so as I work on those things, I felt that I would benefit from hearing any of your thoughts on the matter. I was hesitant to even write my feelings on this topic, because it shouldn't be about me and others feeling like they needed to reassure me. I know I am not the only person who experiences these feelings, and hope to gain some real insight to help not only myself but others who feel the same way I do.

One thing that I have gained from this experience is the awareness of all the different kinds of beauty. I used to have a standard in my mind of what physical beauty looks like on others. I am pleased to honestly say that I now see that physical beauty is actually composed more of the exquisite beauty emanating from the inside out rather than a particular set of physical features. Now that I can see that in others, I need to see it in myself.

Fall Break 2011

This year the girlies were truly looking forward to their Fall Break from school. I however, not so much. I always look forward to when the girls are out of school. I feel greedy, wanting as much time with them as I can get before this precious too-short time of their little years runs out. However, I didn't know how to handle my classes and fall break simultaneously, never before being in school while they were out of school. The only way I survived this past semester in general was with the dear and charitable gifts given to me by friends and family that voluntarily watched the girls on assigned days of the week. I would drop them off at 9:30 in the morning and would then leave them there for playing, lunch, and naps, which all of these dear friends endured simply out of love for us. I still am in awe of their goodness. But can you sense my panic when I all of a sudden lost two whole study days? I was hyperventilating, desperately trying to figure out how on earth I would make it without turning in late assignments, missing tests, and falling behind in my oodles of reading. Additionally, I am the kind of student that needs silence while I study. We all know how that was absolutely NOT going to happen in the next several days. And so, I enlisted my sweet children's help. I explained to them what needed to be accomplished and that I knew they would be sacrificing their free time to help me. Not one of them complained. Not one. With smiles and actual happiness they for the next two days ran a household. They helped one another dress and make their beds in the morning, did each others hair, made each other breakfast and cleaned it up, as well as lunch. They played with one another throughout the morning and tidied up after themselves. I stayed sequestered away, trying to speed study, hoping that all was going well. I couldn't believe how effortlessly and perfectly it all went. I would make dinner for them but they would help each other get bathed and dressed in jammies, read stories to one another, and get everyone tucked in so I could come in and give everyone goodnight kisses. After seeing them do this Thursday and Friday, I knew they needed to know that their efforts had far surpassed what I had expected and that I wanted them to know how much I, their Daddy, and their Heavenly Father were proud of them and their peaceful choices over the last two days. So at the last minute late Friday afternoon I called them all into the living room and told them to quickly go grab their swimsuits, a pair of jammies, and their daddy blankets for a fun surprise. Of course you can imagine the giggles, squeals, and extreme excitement and enthusiasm. Some time ago I remembered reading in a family magazine the idea of taking a "staycation", instead of a vacation. The idea was to stay in your local area but treat it as if you were visiting somewhere else and have a vacation right at home. We hopped in the car and headed over to a local Marriott and had the best night. I love how when we do these little new adventures it brings about such a reduced level of stress and arguments amongst all of us. We swam for several hours, and some friends of ours even came and joined us. Afterwards we all walked over to a Denny's and had dinner together. We eventually walked back to our room, did nails, and watched late night Disney channel. All the girls were in heaven, and after they went to sleep, there was even a little desk for me to set up my laptop and get back to work. I felt such gratitude that somehow, even though in my mind it seemed impossible, I was able to get all my work done AND the girls were able to see what they are capable of. I was especially grateful that they were able to see that I love and appreciate all they do every single day. These girls deserve absolutely everything they ever get.

Ane's little discussion with Daddy

I was sitting in my chair in the living room yesterday. You know, the one that my butt feels like it's been glued to for the past couple of months while I sit and do my classes, quizzes, reading, homework, papers, and tests for my online courses at Utah State University. Some of the girls had gone outside in the freezing cold to play. Others had chosen the more sane route and stayed inside. Ane had been playing outside, but eventually came rushing back in with bright red hands and even red bare feet. She never puts on shoes, no matter the weather. This time I hope she got the message that shoes ARE an important part of playing outside in the winter, even if there isn't any snow on the ground. (Even when I force them on her, she quickly takes them off when she gets out there.) When she'd sufficiently warmed up, she grabbed the kid size guitar and walked into the living room where I was and started "warmin up her vocalizer" (name that movie). She was so cute, talking to herself and strumming strings that made no music whatsoever. Then she cleared her throat and leaned into an imaginary microphone and said, "Hey guys...I have a song to play you callllled..." Here she paused, not sure what it was called, this showstopper she'd prepared. She leaned away from the mic, looked over to her right side, and then after leaning back in said "Maybe my Dad will tell me." I was sitting reading one of my textbooks and writing notecards for studying, so I quickly grabbed an empty one and surreptitiously started jotting down what she said. She then pulled away from the mic and leaned over to her right and proceeded to have quite the detailed whispered conversation with Naki, her Daddy. It's funny to think that she's never actually had one of those before. But from what I saw it seems that she needs no rehearsal for the real deal someday. She giggled, she disagreed, she emphasized her points quite succinctly, and finally found a middle ground on which they both agreed. She sat back up straight and then leaned back into the imaginary mic and said in her performer speaking voice, "I do all of it in my whole life with my Dad. Cuz it's so easier...so I have to get it ready." All the while she was perched on the edge of the couch. And since she doesn't have much junk in her trunk, she kept scooting off. Her next words were, "Now let me just get my butt on the stage!" I was then treated to a fantastic rendition of her singing/guitar creation. She reached a point in the song that she was displeased with, at which point she leaned over and said to her manager, "I can't do it, Dad". I was dying to know what advise he gave her, but I'll never know. Whatever he said, it worked. She found her confidence and kept on warbling while I sat there weeping.

Naki and I learned through trial and error that it works best for our family to pick pumpkins one week, and then actually do the carving a different week. It seems to help minimize conflict and stress, probably more for me than for them. I figure if I'm trying to create happy and pleasant memories, then I should figure out how to eliminate as much stress as possible. It has worked great for us, making each event much more enjoyable. Many years ago while I was teaching one of my piano students he mentioned their family tradition of traveling to this fantastic place where they take tractor rides through fruit orchards out to pumpkin patches where they get to hand pick their pumpkins. I was sold on the idea immediately, and with the exception of a couple years, we make our way there every October. This year the weather was PERFECT. Just perfect. It was one more way that I feel like Heavenly Father continues to bless my efforts. To those of you who don't know, I started school last fall. For reasons other than I am crazy, I enrolled in 16 credit hours. Trust me...I could've sat at my computer every minute of every day and still felt behind in my schoolwork. I found myself frustrated at times because I felt accountable to those whose scholarships I had won and to myself ultimately and struggled figuring out how to balance being mom and student. I knew that it was more important to make sure the girls knew they came first, always. Pictures do not do justice to the nonstop track of thoughts of what assignments were due and how behind I felt as well as how much sleep deprivation I was under, not to mention how many loads of laundry needed to be done or what I would pull out of my magic chef hat for dinner. I am glad to know that somehow that didn't show up on any of our faces, hopefully meaning that they weren't negatively affected by all of my stress and that the girls and I were still able to do the things that we love. The Monday afternoon that we headed out there was absolutely the ONLY day that worked with our insane schedule, and I felt so loved when it turned out to be such a gorgeous day. As for the pics, my apologies for all the pictures with black in the corners/edges. My shutter that is the cover for the lense of my camera was stepped on by some little lady's foot which resulted in some of the pieces of metal falling out and others left hanging in front of the lense. Arrgh. I still need to take that in to get fixed.































Here is a short video we caught that day. It was hilarious, looking at them all squeezed into this cute old truck...kinda like a clown car.

I am beyond behind in putting pictures on here, and this is the beginning of my attempt to catch up just for the sake of my journaling. Someday I will pay the huge expense to have both of my blogs, this one plus our old one on wordpress, printed. I want to make sure that when I do I have all of the pictures on there that show what we've been up to and what happy memories we were busy creating.

This year Halloween was crazy busy! It seems that each year there are more and more places that the girlies want to make sure we hit. We started out by heading up to the cemetery to Trick or Treat from the candy bucket we put on Naki's grave. Each week in October we'd head up there and refill it, imagining the visitors coming and sharing the treats we'd left. It was one of my favorite parts of Halloween, actually. It has become a happy place for us, believe it or not. One of these days I should video everyone piling out of the car and sprinting up to the top of the hill...it's truly adorable. After that we went to my sister's neighborhood. This part of the evening was by far the most relaxing because my adorable brother in law volunteered to take ALL of the kiddos around the neighborhood while I sat back and relaxed on their couch and visited with my sister as she handed out treats. After time kept ticking past, I started to worry for him! I realized that unlike last year, we didn't send him with a stroller or a wagon for the two littles he had in the group, and I hoped that everything was going okay for all. They showed up happy and chatty about all the fun they'd had, and Matt, the trooper, was carrying all the costume props and several candy buckets as well. What a great Uncle. Thanks Matt and Katie for a fun time!

(This picture I took before we devoured it. Our dinner angels, who have been bringing us dinner once a week since Naki died, brought this in October. Honestly, it's the first time I've seen the girls eat their vegetables so well just because they loved the skeleton so much. Thanks dinner angels!)














After the girls were finished there we trick or treated in our Ward boundaries, visited Grandma and Grandpa Maile's for a bit, and headed to our friends, The Baileys', home for the best jackpot ever. While we were there the girlies all got their pictures taken by Alan...I will try to post them next. They turned out awesome. Man, I just love those Baileys. If it weren't for them I don't know where we'd be living, since they helped us buy their house where we currently live. Ane loves them so much that as we were leaving she asked if she could just stay and chill with them for a while. We were just going to be heading out and pounding the pavement for some more treats which she was apparently done with, so we left her there and went to see some more friends in our neighborhood. I don't care for all the candy that Halloween brings. I'm not one of those people that tries to hit the neighborhoods that give out the best candy. Instead, I just love being in the areas that all of our friends are in so that we can see everyone. Many who know me know that I am not a Halloween enthusiast. But this whole idea of getting to see all of our friends dressed up being silly I could really get hooked on. Who knows...maybe one of these years I'll join in on the silliness. I stuck a pencil behind my ear and told the girls that I was a college student. :) Happy belated Halloween.