Writing my feelings and thoughts on my blog has been such an essential part of my healing process. I have done myself a disservice by not writing over the past couple of months. I HAVE journaled, about the girls, but I haven't used this space as a place to sort out my thoughts as I had before. As a result, I have been emotionally stuck. I chose purposefully to not write. I find myself thinking and feeling things that are so foreign and unfamiliar that I didn't want to write about them where everyone could read them. Many of you are supportive and nonjudgemental. But I know a teeny tiny percentage of you that just aren't. That's okay...everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But as a result I chose to hide my feelings in order to make my life "easier". Hah. What a joke. This summer has been so incredibly difficult, and I need to write some things out. I have not decided as of yet if I will write them here for all to read, or if I will write them in a private blog on an invitation only basis, or if I will just keep a computer journal where no one will read what I write. Not sure what the right thing to do is. I only know that if I can find the time to do it, I should. It helps me.

For the past week we've been minus our two eldest, Line and Malia. They've been spending the week in Northern Idaho with my parents at their yearly grandparent retreat. Once a grandchild turns 8 they are eligible to go. I figured out that in about 6 years I can book myself a week cruise, or a trip anywhere I want to go, since all of the girlies will be there for a whole week. Woo-Hoo! Time to fill up my passport. I was just telling a friend of mine last night how much I have this insane craving to fill up my passport. I guess I actually have to own one first. Any suggestions where my first stamp should be to? And this trip is open to others who want to travel with me...just no couples. Sorry all my friends who have a second half. I just don't think I could do a trip that Naki and I always talked about taking surrounded by people in love. Nope. Not happening.

What a fun week we've had, my four littles and I. It's such a shock to realize that as your children age the dynamic of your family is shifting and changing. For now it seems so permanent to have Line and Malia here to rely on and to enjoy. They are such amazing girlies. But in their absence, as they did last year, Lose and Eli have truly risen to the occasion and have shown their own potential for responsibility, nurturing, and buddy potential for mom. Some day that's how it will be! Crazy to think about. I also was able to discover where a major source of my everyday chaos comes from. Yes. It's from them. They are constantly wrestling, shoving, teasing, taunting, and pushing each other over their limits. But they're giggling the entire time. They are so sweet together, and have been so good to Eva and Ane. They've read to them, helped them bathe, assisted them in rinsing their dishes and loading them in the dishwasher, oh! And they've even been in charge of breakfast and cleanup, with little to no problems. On top of all that they've had to divide Line's and Malia's chores up and add them to the ones they already have responsibility for. And they have not complained about it, not even once. Eli came to me this morning and said, with her head hung down, "Mom? I'm afraid I have to tell you something..." "I actually miss being sassed by my big sisters! I can't wait for them to come home." Time apart is good...it helps us remember why we want to be together.

One of the downsides about my process of grief is that I have subconsciously taught my brain to be even more forgetful. Let me explain.

If I were to have let my brain take in all the details of my every day life, I would have never ever survived. It would have been overwhelming emotionally. And so, I would select the things I needed to know that were essential for me to survive for that day, and that day only. As a result, my brain is incredibly forgetful. I hate it! A sister in my ward asked me to play the piano for her today. A beautiful song. I got the girlies up early, took them over to the pool because we're cleaning it and opening it for our friend this weekend, brought them back and got everyone ready for church, practiced my song, and got to church with enough time to practice it in the chapel. My home teacher and Bishop's counselor came to me and said they didn't have a musical number on the program for today, and that it was most likely for Relief Society. Duh. It was. She'd even told me that, but I hadn't remembered. I'd spent the entire time she was talking trying to tell myself to remember that I was playing for her at all, let alone remembering for what meeting. Ahhh...the good ole days when I had my normal levels of forgetfulness.

My ultimate favorite part of the day was during Relief Society. The teacher had asked a couple of different sisters to share some thoughts about how specific principles of the gospel had helped them feel closer to the Savior. She had asked Brenda Oldroyd, a sister in my ward that I adore, to share thoughts on service. Brenda suffered a stroke this past year, and has been on her own journey of recovery and discovery as a result. She inspires us all, as she sits at the doors of the chapel every Sunday in her wheelchair, welcoming everyone and uplifting us all. As she gently and softly spoke into a microphone telling us about how service has affected her, she proceeded to tell a story about one particular day. She spoke of how she had some headphones in and was bobbing her head listening to some music, when her son asked her who she was rocking out to, teasing her about her love for country music. She replied no, she was listening to the Maile girls sing a song. I started quietly sobbing in my chair. I remember the day our Relief Society President told us sisters that she was making a recording to take to Brenda in her recovery facility, and wanted to ask us sisters in Relief Society if we would think of something inspiring to put on there for her. I knew, just knew, that I needed to contribute. It was time to be a giver and not a receiver. I also knew, that there was no way I would be able to get through talking on the recording without breaking down. Things were still so fresh and so painful, there was no possible way I was capable of that. So I signed up, wondering what I would put on there. The Sunday our President came over to my house, I felt prompted to practice a primary song with the girls and have that be our contribution. Brenda has always loved hearing Naki and I sing, and I knew that it would be just the right thing. However. On that day, I was shot. I didn't have anything left to give, and I remember asking Heavenly Father to please, please help me do this for Brenda. Please help me to have what it took to give to someone when I felt so empty inside. I clearly remember all the girls, introducing themselves on the tape and that Ane would not stop talking throughout the entire thing. But we sang. And it was exactly the right thing. I cried and cried as she spoke of how it has helped her, and felt so grateful that God helped me complete His task for Brenda that day. I told her afterwards that we'll sing as many songs as she'd like, if she was interested, to which she said yes. Looks like we have a bit of recording to get busy doing.

Davis Family Reunion 2011

It seems I only used my camera on either one day or maybe two. So here are the pics I have from our reunion that was just held in Idaho in June. On this day I remember the water was quite chilly, so we life jacketed up and set out for a gorgeous scenic ride. Some of the kiddos took turns sitting on the back of the boat with Grandmother. I, however, did not do that...I had no desire whatsoever to have any of that freezing beautiful water touch even one of my toes. Here's Eva a Grandmother...
I love the wind blowing their hair...here's Boo, Grandmother, and Eva.

Crazy Malia.

I love this picture...Eli and Lo.

Grandmother and Line...

Grandfather giving Boo driving lessons...

Cutie Nathan, my sister Connie's son...

Paige, Connie's daughter, and Kaci, Kami's daughter...

Umm...Malia, how come you never stop making crazy faces every time I try to take your picture? :)

Elenoa Lose...

Sammy, my sister Candy's son...

Some serious driving was goin' on...

Grandfather was kind enough to give me his sweatshirt, and as a result he froze a bit while letting me try to stay warm.

Tori, Candy's daughter, Evaloni cutie pie, and Sammy, Candy's son...

Malia and Grandmother...

I love this picture of Eva. Makes me just want to snuggle her.

Kaci, Kami's daughter, painting Eli's nails while Line watches. Uncle Russell is in the background prepping the sand to bury some girlies.

Three giddy girls...Addie, Katie's daughter, Lose, and Malia...

Uncle Russell, starting the burying.

That's little Sammy, helping.

Paige jumped in as the burying was happening...

Malia, sporting her new sand leggings...

Halle, Jackie's daughter...

Ane Boo, showing me her mouth full of gummy bears...

Abby, Cassie's daughter, and Abby, lovin this sweetie. Have you ever seen anything cuter? She would willingly go into my arms any time I'd ask because she thought that I was a look-a-like of Auntie Ginny that lives with her. I was even called Auntie Ginny on more than one occasion accompanied by her running to me with open arms. Ask me if I care that she had no idea who I was...at least I got to hold and give loves to her.

Line, soaking up all the Halle time she could get.

Addie and Malia, mid dance move. They had a good time choreographing their own little dance.

Now, my Mom just might kill me for 1)taking this picture and 2)posting this picture. And Mom, I'll remove it if you want me to. But I'm so proud of having a mom in her 60s who can still strut her stuff in a bathing suit like my mom can. Just one more way that she sets the bar high for me. Woo-Hoo Grandmother!

Eli really could not get enough of her Uncle Russell. Here they are playing Book of Mormon Go Fish.

Sheldon, Kami's son, and Jacob, Connie's son, loving a game of football. There always seemed to be a game going with someone....

Paige, Kaci, and Line playing some volleyball.

Some more pics of Abby...

Lose and her long lost buddy, Li'l Russell...

Lose, Russell, and Nathan...

Malia, Addie, and Tori...

These little guys just crack me up. And make no mistake, they made these faces because they wanted to have their picture taken like that. I kept saying, 'okay guys, smile!' and every time I got some version of this. Starting at the bottom left, Harley, Lizzie's daughter, Emma, Katie's daughter, Blythe in the highchair, Cassie's daughter, Cooper, Cassie's son, and Abby, Cassie's daughter.

Ohmagosh...Eva was in HEAVEN with this goober. It was so funny to see her towering over Annie, but other than that they were equals in every way...adorable, clever, goofy, sweet, etc.

Malia, Kaci, and Eli...this was right before our family pic. Can't wait to see what that looks like.

Can't wait to see what everyone else's pics look like, since I didn't take nearly enough! Dad, Aunt Debbie, this is my official request for a copy somehow of all those magnificent pics you were always taking. Scottie, you too. Happy 2011 Fam Reunion.