Is the time ever going to come that the girls won't wake up in the middle of the night calling out "Daddy" while crying in their sleep? It breaks my heart. And yet, I hope the time never comes that they aren't always thinking of him. Yesterday when I put Eli to bed she was so upset. We had just returned from some family softball games and earlier we had been talking about how the girls had one day of school left. She cried to me, "Dad is never going to come back...he's going to miss summer and everything!". I reminded her that we just don't know the Lord's timing, but we know for sure that we will see Dad, even if that means we have to live many many summers without him.

Butt Divot

Since Naki died I've continued to sleep on my side of the bed. I havn't been able to bring myself to scoot over and use the whole bed. It just doesn't feel right or natural, after having slept on the right side of the bed since we were married. As a result of not having his body there to balance things out, I've begun to notice quite the butt divot spot where I sit and read and then go to sleep every night. I considered titling this post "butt crater", but I think 'divot' is much more generous and sweet sounding. I really need to rotate and flip my mattress, but Naki and I used to do that kinda thing together. There's no way I can man this monster mattress by myself. I know there are plenty of people who can and would help me if I asked, but I just haven't wanted to take the step and do one other thing that we normally would have done together with someone else. I'm sure I'll do it sooner or later, but for now it's gonna be later.

So last night I decided to be real brave and sleep on Naki's side of the bed...trying to even things out and all...What a joke. Literally. You should have seen me. I couldn't figure out which way to dangle my foot off the edge, almost whacked my head on his nightstand several times, and got all tangled up throughout the night. Eva was extremely confused when she made her foray up to my bed in the middle of the night, and for a minute seemed to not be able to figure out where she actually was. I was in her spot! The best part was when my alarm went off to wake me up in the morning. I have issues with alarms...why would I like something that forces me to stop sleeping? I am never able to be on time for my day if I set my alarm for when I actually want to be awake. So I set it for 27 minutes early. (My snooze button is for 9 minutes.) This allows me to "sleep in" for 27 minutes as I slowly wake up. I have trained myself to whip those covers off and jump out of bed pretty fast in order to stop the annoying screeching my alarm makes. My normal cover whipping was hilarious in it's altered state this morning...I was on the left side of the bed, and kept trying to get out towards the middle of the bed, resulting in my covers all wonky in the end. It was hilarious in my mind's eye, and must have looked quite odd and confusing to anyone watching. Maybe Naki got a good chuckle out of it. I love making him laugh. If he thought I was funny, it made me feel like I was the best comedian ever.

THICK

This morning we were driving in the car and Eli noticed that when she looked at me in the rear view mirror she could see double...you know, where it looks like the driver's shoulders are at the same place their mouth is? We all giggled about how weird this must look, and moved on in our conversation.

A couple of minutes later, Eli pronounced from the backseat, "Mom, you're thick!", to which I replied, "Thank you, Eli". This being thick isn't a new thing for me, and definitely isn't an insult as some women would take it to be. I take pride in my thickness, thank-you-vurry-much. Naki taught me well. The other girls weren't as pleased with her pronouncement, so I asked her, "What does thick mean, Eli?". She held up her hands, palms together, and had her hands almost touching. Oh..."Do you mean thin"? "Yeah! You're thin, Mom..."

No woman would shy away from such a compliment, no matter how content they are with their thickness.

Eli, the JoySchool Graduate, and my Surprise of the Day

I can't believe that I have yet another Joy School graduate living in my house with me! They are by far, Joy School graduates that is, some of the best little people I have ever met. Tonight was Eli's Joy School graduation, and it was just perfect. Due to the lovely MAY snowfall that we had today, we ended up indoors. Before the big night began, while we were still home I noticed things warming up a bit outside, and was determined to get my new backyard tree in the ground. We, Dad, Jr, and Misi and I, had tried to make way with digging the hole on Saturday, but decided the ground could use a dang good soaking. We weren't getting anywhere with that hard rock filled ground. Imagine my surprise when the water was still sitting in that dang hole even after the snow fall today. Seriously. All rocks in this Orem ground. Someone shoulda warned me last year before I decided to plant 7 trees total since last fall! I probably woulda done it anyway. That halfway dug hole was calling my name all weekend. So while Line bathed Ane, Malia bathed Eva, and Eli and Lose bathed themselves for the big graduation night, I headed out with my shovel and a lot of determination. I now have 3 mega blisters on my right hand and something is wrong with my actual hand...I can't grip things like I should be able to. But I did it! It's in the ground, and tomorrow I'm gonna finish covering it with some nice bark. Yay! A tree to shade, hopefully within the next 5 years, the swingset. I was so excited about it, only to have Malia tell me, "Mom, by the time it's actually shading the swingset I'll be 12 and probably won't be swinging anymore." To which I replied, "That's fine. Then I'll be the one to pull the hammock under the tree and relax in the shade with a nice book...". She quickly realized her error of thinking, and now has big plans, as do all of them, for sitting in the future shade of our back yard. Grow tree, grow!

Eli picked out her dress for her big night, and did her hair all by herself. That's her thing these days...doing her own hair. Lose, too. And actually, Eli's been doing Ane's and Eva's hair for them, if they sit still long enough for her elaborate plans. It's too cute. I'll have to take pictures of some of her creations. Here she is with some of her JoySchool group from this year.

I knew that I would have a time of it trying to video, take pictures, and corrall Ane and Eva all by myself, so I gave the job of videotaping to Malia...should be interesting to watch. And I gave the job of photographing to Line. She quickly grew frustrated that she couldn't catch Eli not moving. I personally like these ones the best.



Eli was such a big girl with JoySchool this year. After her Daddy died she really struggled with being anywhere I wasn't. She had to overcome that fear on a weekly basis, and I am so happy for her that she was able to make it through the whole year. The Joy School moms were so understanding, and had more than their fair share of screeching and pawing after me walking out the door, and they never once complained about it. See how happy this little face is? She's happy because she's proud of herself for making it through despite her pain. She told me so...



I followed the example of another JoySchool family and decided it was a great opportunity to take a family photo. I knew that yes, I'd rolled up my mud covered jeans from digging my tree's new home, and yes, I hadn't showered that day since we started out the day with an 8:00 am dentist visit, and yes, some of the girlies didn't want to be in the picture. But, these opportunities are too fleeting, and especially pictures of us together.

It hurts to see what's so obviously not there...which brings me to my surprise of the day. As I was gathering the girlies to leave, I walked past all the daddies standing in a circle visiting with one another. That in and of itself didn't catch me off guard. It was seeing one of the Dads standing there, so nonchalantly holding his 5 month old in his arm like an extra appendage. His stance reminded me of the same way I've seen Naki stand a million times, and it was shocking to not see him standing there, holding one of ours and visiting with his friends. I had to catch my breath, and remind myself that these moments are surprising, but are also a blessing. I hadn't thought of that image of him for some time, and it was a gift for me to see him in my memory so clearly at a time when I'm struggling to remember images of him that used to be so commonplace.

I know that all you JoySchool Moms aren't going to be complete fans of this picture, but I had to put it here in my journal, to always remember the angels that God gave me at this impossible time in my life. These ladies made it possible for me to focus on surviving instead of worrying about teaching this year, or even removing Eli from Joy School all together. I will forever remember that gift that they have given to me. Their kindness inspires me to someday give the gift of kindness to others in a similar way. I love each and every one of them for loving me and Eli so very much this Joy School year.

My Personal Greenhouse

All of this is inside my house and my garage...









...because of all of this.




On the way home from the dentist this morning the girls and I saw SO many trees with broken branches, some huge sections of the trees missing. It took me a minute to make the connection, but I rushed home as soon as I could to check on my baby trees planted just last fall. They really needed me. Although I admit to acting without thinking, not uncommon for me, I ran up to each tree and grabbed it's trunk and shook hard to get all the snow off of their sweet little baby branches. Yes, I got several snow showers. When I got back in the car, Eva exclaimed that I was too wet to be in there. Hey. At least those little trees were saved. The maple beside my house on the east side still hasn't popped back up straight, but nothing's snapped and so I'm hoping that it'll recover. The snow doesn't seem to be bothering these two monkeys.

Snow?

Someone make this insane weather stop! I just planted all my annuals, and am not happy about the snow mixing with them. The plants I bought for the front of my house plus the other annuals I haven't planted are all tucked away in my garage. They aren't happy about it! I have to fill up my watering can a bazillion times today so I can go water them all. C'mon, snow. Go away!

I havn't been blogging for a while. It started out innocent enough. I recognized my addictive tendencies in my personality, and realized that it wasn't normal to be hopping on line several times a day, just to check and see who'd posted anything lately, who'd emailed me lately, or what sales on line I just couldn't miss out on. Not to mention my favorite thing to do...read about gardening and landscaping and find pictures and info about certain plants I'm considering using in my future landscaping plans. It became apparent to me that I needed to take a step back from my computer and make better use of my time. It really helped. I finally got done many of the projects that I had been wanting to get done but felt I didn't have any time for. Pppft. Seriously. I actually did have the time, but hadn't been using it very wisely. And it feels so good to get things accomplished that I've had on my mental list for so very long.

After that, I realized that dance recital time was just around the corner. My mental energy and time was all geared to making it through all that the girls' dancing brings into our lives. We successfully made it through pictures, two dress rehearsals, and five performances without a single missing prop, bobby pin, costume , dancing shoe, rubber band, lip gloss, accessory, leotard, etc...you get my point. All in all, we had a total of 15 costumes, all of the costume's accessories, 2 pairs of hip hop sneakers, 3 pairs of jazz shoes, 7 flower clips, 1 swimming cap, 2hair ribbons, 12 ankle/wrists leis, 6 actual leis, 1 hat, 3 leotards, 1 pair of bloomers, 1 pair of tights attached to 1 white cami, 2 fingerless gloves, a clown collar and matching wrist bands, and then all of the costumes to match. It. Was. Insane. I still can't believe that we didn't forget or misplace a single stinkin' thing. I'll do a post with pictures of the two days soon.

After all of that hoopla was accomplished and checked off my list, I still didn't feel like writing. It seems that the time periods that I used to use for my writing I've replaced with other things. Things that help me veg and relax the way my writing uesd to help me. Right now the main thing I'm absorbed with is getting all of my spring planting finished. It brings me more comfort and solace to be surrounded by plants...their smell, their appearance, and their sound...it makes me feel more at peace within myself than most anything else does. I've even contemplated going to school for it, but haven't made any final decisions yet. But plants aside, I still havn't felt like writing. I told my Mom when she was visiting that I was aware I hadn't written, I knew I should be writing because of the feelings I'd been having about not writing, but couldn't figure out just why I was avoiding it.

Although I still can't pinpoint the exact reasons why I don't want to sit and write, I had a thought about it today. It came when I was struggling wanting to be at church. As I was mentally coaching myself to keep going and not screech aloud during church I had my normal thought, "Abby, you should write about this and how it's making you feel". Those are the kinds of thoughts previously that would prompt me to write down in a notebook what was on my mind and then later pull out that notebook and write about it. I noticed today that after the thought came to me, I dismissed it immediately. Why did I do that? I think it's because I'm on a dizzying carousel ride of emotions...constantly coming back around to emotions I'd already felt in one way or another. I am feeling things that I've already felt, and quite frankly am getting really tired of feeling. Why would I want to sit down and write about something that I've written about in the past? How could that possibly benefit me? The more I examined my behavior, I realized that I've been doing a lot of that...dismissing my promptings to write because of my annoyance with the fact that I am feeling the same things I've already felt and honestly, my annoyance with the fact that I still fell any of these emotions at all. I'm not sure what the alternative is...if I'm not feeling these things, then what do I feel instead? Am I okay with the thought that someday these complex emotions will have run their gamut and I will no longer need them? I'm not sure where any of these thoughts will take me, but I know there's something going on, deep within me, that will eventually work it's way to the surface. Whatever it is, my not wanting to write I believe is a symptom of it.

I tried to figure out why it was such a difficult Sunday for me. The girls weren't really any more different than usual. I think the difference was that I was completely exhausted. For two nights in a row I've been falling asleep sitting up in my bed while reading, with the lights on, and waking up with the lights off, book put away, and me in my covers. When I wake up I can't remember what day it is, where I am, or what time it is and have no recollection of how I got to where I am. I feel completely disoriented, and only want to fall back asleep. I am sleeping completely through the night without any interruptions, and yet I feel drained and unrested. Why? I do know that last night I had a vivid dream about Naki. I hardly ever dream, and when I do dream the times that they include him I can count on one hand. In last night's dream he and I were hanging out, me alive and him dead. We both knew that he was dead, and it seems that the fact that we were spending time with one another this way was not uncommon. We had been asked to speak in church, and were sitting together preparing our talks. We both felt really confident and comfortable about whatever it was we'd prepared, and talked about that. Then, as we were walking down the hall in the church building, I remembered that he was in fact dead, and that he would not be able to give his talk, only I would. As the realization hit both of us, I looked at Naki and watched as my ability to see him grew fainter and fainter. It appeared as though, starting with his left shoulder and moving across his body, he was blowing away like sand in the wind. I recall his extreme disappointment as he so badly wanted to teach what he'd prepared to those that he loves so much. I can't emphasize enough how disappointed he was. Then, as I stood in the hallway watching him disappear, a daughter in a family he loves dearly that he home taught when he died walked by. I still remember watching him try to hug her, hoping that she would be able to feel him. Gently I reminded him that she wouldn't be able to feel him, since he was without his body. But imagine my surprise when she looked quickly towards me, smiled a knowing smile, and kept on walking. Only after waking up did I want to ask him, "Excuse me! Why don't you give ME a hug, you big idiot!". But I know him...he is completely confident of my knowledge of his love for me, and knew that if he had one opportunity to show his love to someone, he would trust me to trust in that knowledge so he could help someone else feel of his love.

Perhaps having such an intense dream about Naki being at church with me the night before I actually went to church contributed to my difficult Sunday.

After church we napped...Halelujah. I had a headache the size of something ginormous. Again, I woke not knowing where I was or what day it was...oh. And Ane screaming my name to kingdom come. I had promised the girls I would cook tonight, something I have rarely done since October. I make food, sure, but I don't really cook. So tonight Line and I made Parmesan crusted chicken, a broiled three potato blend, corn on the cob, and 2 upside down pineapple cakes. Uh..maybe the next time I cook after not cooking for almost 8 months I shouldn't be so ambitious. There's a reason I haven't cooked. I didn't remember it until tonight. Naki used to play with the kiddos on Sunday afternoons while I cooked, or the other way around. I remembered that suddenly as Ane was literally hanging like a koala bear to a tree, except it was my leg, as I was desperately trying to peel potatoes. I'm not doing that again, for a long time. I'm totally not proud of how many outbursts I had. Several times I actually hauled her to her crib, shook my finger at her as I announced that she was not allowed to be around the rest of us until she could talk instead of scream at us. I didn't think it would work, but on all occasions she eventually calmed down and would apologize unprompted to me when I would return for her.

Maybe next time I should try the crock pot. I will say that the kids were LOVING it. Right after we blessed the food, Malia announced in a majestic voice, "And to-night!, we Eat. Like. Kings!". So, at least they were happy.