It's Naki's birthday today. I've thought a lot about this day, knowing that it is one of those things that will be coming around once a year as a reminder of him. What exactly does one do on a deceased loved one's birthday? Everyone has their own ideas and I've heard several. I've picked a couple of things to do, and realize that as time passes the girls' desire to do those same things may change, and that it is important for me to be open to the promptings I receive as to what they need. Today it's quite cold, windy, and rainy outside, so spending some time up at his grave is once again going to be quick and speedy. I asked the girls to either draw Dad a picture, write him a note, or in Lose's case, a knock knock joke to take up to his grave. Lose didn't want to participate at first, and after some discussion confessed that if she wrote Dad a note she would cry, and then she would cry so loud that it would wake up her napping sisters, and then I would get mad at her. I reassured her that I would not get mad at her for crying, and then asked her if there was anything else that she could think of that Dad would like to hear from her. And that is where the idea for the knock knock joke came from. Eli was somewhat confused at the idea of leaving things at Dad's grave that he'll never get, and after some discussion with her we concluded together that it is nice to do something to remember Dad, and that someday she'll be able to talk to him about all the different ways she tried to remember him and show her love for him.
Does this ever get any easier? Last night I was talking to Eva about the fact that Dad's birthday was going to be the next day...she lit up and thought that meant that he would be returning today. It is so difficult to have to retell her over and over that he will stay dead for an indefinite amount of time, until the Second Coming. Her therapist tells me that for children at that age it feels like abandonment...the last thing Naki would willingly do to his family. I just keep trying to reassure her of how much her Dad loves her, and pray that eventually the Spirit will bring peace to her soul.
As I've contemplated this day, I wondered if it was appropriate to keep adding years to his age, in other words, saying for this year, "Happy what-would-have-been 33rd Birthday!". I've decided against it. He never will be that age, and it seems harsh and painful to give a constant reminder of what would have been. Instead, we're going with plain old "Happy Birthday". We are getting a cake and will be getting together with our beloved Maile Family this evening...always a balm to mine and the girlies' souls.
I got to spend the majority of today with Line on a field trip. It was wonderful, and I know that spending time with her is just what Naki would've loved to do on his birthday if he were still alive.
This morning after I dropped the little girlies off at Grandpa and Grandma Maile's house I was driving home and talking to Heavenly Father on the way. I realized that I was especially teary, and made the discovery that it's not helpful to my already sensitive tear ducts to have incredibly moving soundtrack music (in this case, the music from the movie Australia) playing in the background. No one needs their very own prayer soundtrack. I got a good laugh at myself, turned off the music, and felt a little more emotionally stable.
Babe, I miss you! Please continue to give me strength to do alone what we had planned to do together. I still don't feel you near. But I believe that someday when we are together again it will become so clear to me the times you were close. Either I'll have huge realizations or you'll oh-so-gently tell me what I'd missed all along. :) Happy Birthday.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Good Stuff...from Lose's point of view.
During dinner tonight, which was a delish fondue (thanks to our Dinner Club who still brings us dinner every Wednesday) in honor of Line's birthday, Lose hit us with this zinger.
"I wish everything in the world was made of money and sugar."
I mean, where do these kind of thoughts come from? I'll admit. I probably put too much emphasis on both of those items and the comfort they provide me. We briefly discussed how if that was in fact true, neither of those things would really be all that valuable anymore. I told her I couldn't survive without being surrounded by nature! But that I totally get where she's coming from. What would be the new things that everyone just had to have, if we were in fact surrounded with all the money and sugar possible?
"I wish everything in the world was made of money and sugar."
I mean, where do these kind of thoughts come from? I'll admit. I probably put too much emphasis on both of those items and the comfort they provide me. We briefly discussed how if that was in fact true, neither of those things would really be all that valuable anymore. I told her I couldn't survive without being surrounded by nature! But that I totally get where she's coming from. What would be the new things that everyone just had to have, if we were in fact surrounded with all the money and sugar possible?
Eli
Today Eli had Joy School at our dear friends', the Jordan's, house. She did NOT want to go today, seeing as we got to bed super late last night and woke super early this morning. She was clinging and crying quite a bit when I dropped her off this morning. During lunch today I asked her how she eventually calmed herself down. She said that as she was crying it occured to her, "Heeeyyyy...wait a minute. Mom loves me. She's not gonna leave me here forever. She'll be back to get me." I thought this thought process of hers was huge. Going to sleep one night with your dad there and waking the next with him gone can make you question whether or not your other parent will be there the next time you want to see them. It was amazing to me that she can feel any confidence and trust at all.
Also during lunch, she told me that at school today they each took turns sitting in a special chair. While sitting in the chair Cyndi, their teacher, would tell them something she likes about them. Cyndi told Eli that she admired how brave Eli is and that she wishes she could be as brave as Eli. The face I was watching telling me this info was barely able to contain herself with pride and happiness. I told her, "Wow, Eli! An adult wants to be just like you. You're amazing." To which she said, "Even...it's because I'm Naki's girl." That's right, Eli.
Also during lunch, she told me that at school today they each took turns sitting in a special chair. While sitting in the chair Cyndi, their teacher, would tell them something she likes about them. Cyndi told Eli that she admired how brave Eli is and that she wishes she could be as brave as Eli. The face I was watching telling me this info was barely able to contain herself with pride and happiness. I told her, "Wow, Eli! An adult wants to be just like you. You're amazing." To which she said, "Even...it's because I'm Naki's girl." That's right, Eli.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Another Difficult First
Shortly after Naki died so many people told me that once I got through all the 1sts, you know, the first Anniversary, Death Anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, baptisms, etc etc, then it would get easier. I believe them and have actually felt that in certain areas of my life. Maybe I wouldn't categorize those things as easier but just not as awful. I have hope that they will continue to improve in their outlook. However, I never anticipated that there would be so MANY firsts...firsts that I didn't even originally place in such a category. It feels like just when I overcome a challenge of a first, that another one looms ahead of me.
Tonight was a landmark first. It was our first softball game without Naki. It may seem silly, but to me it isn't. Naki was always participating in some sort of sport to keep himself active. A couple of years ago his older brother convinced us all to sign up to be on the first Maile Softball Team in the city non-competitive league. It has evolved since then, and I think this year there are two coed non-competitive teams and one competitive men's team. Naki lives! for those games. He absolutely loves them. What a goober...sometimes, if he had the time, he'd even do a pre-game bath. He's probably rolling his eyes at my spilling his secret, but the man loves a good relaxing bath. I'd be busy doing something and would be surprised to hearthe tub running in our bathroom. Afraid one of the girls had started it, I'd run up only to have him remind me, "Babe, I have a game tonight..." Of course there wasn't always time, but if he could squeeze one in, believe me he would.
I knew that it was absolutely important to continue to attend the games. Besides the fact that I love watching these guys play, it is essential that the girls feel that consistency between the days when Dad was alive compared to their days without him. Yet I knew it would be a painful first for me. How could I not go but yet, how could I go? Another first that I didn't ever want to deal with. But I'm relieved to say that we went, and they came home just as dirty and happy as we always did. The girls had a blast, we had crazy dirty feet and grouchy kiddos from the late hour, but it was worth it to me to see them content with something that feels so familiar.
When we eventually decided to leave the game tonight it was because Eva had had a bathroom accident...again. This past week she's truly regressed. I shouldn't be surprised. The therapists told me when we very first started therapy that some kiddos don't even begin to completely deal with their grief until about 6 months after the incident. Bingo. It's been almost exactly 6 months...just a bit over. At first I thought that out of all the kids she struggled so openly, which I equated with dealing with her grief. In actuality, it was confusion and anger she was dealing with initially, and now she is starting to grieve the reality of Dad not returning. As she hits different stages developmentally, and not just her but all of them, they will revisit their grief. It will mean different things to them at those different stages of their development.
She and I had this conversation the other day:
Eva: Where IS Dad, Mom?
Mom: Remember? Dad is dead.
Eva: But where is he?
Mom: He is in Paradise, Baby. He's in the Spirit World...
Eva: Is he in that house over there?...pointing to a house we were driving by...
Mom: No, Eva...
Eva: Is he in that one over there? ...pointing to a different house...
Mom: No, Eva...
Eva: Is he at the store?
Mom: No Baby...He's with Jesus.
Eva: But where is Jesus? Is he with Santa Claus?
Oh, Eva...to her Jesus is just as mythical as Santa Claus. And why wouldn't he be? How could any of this possibly make any sense to her? So, I am not surprised to see her going backwards again in her potty training as she struggles to try to work through her grief.
I may have or may have not mentioned in here her struggles with food. It's actually getting a bit better these days. But it was getting really quite difficult. Any sign of a meal and she'd run off. She would claim an upset stomach, or her favorite out was that she was tired. She'd actually lay on her bed and not move a muscle as long as I didn't make her come and eat. We're working on this still, with some help from her therapists and a book I'm reading. (I'm feeling like I may have mentioned this already...sorry if this is a repeat.) As I talked it through with her therapists I felt a bit like a dolt for not recognizing the root of her difficulty. Eva's therapist looked at me and simply asked, "Did you eat dinner as a family? Was Naki home to eat dinner with you?" Why yes, yes he was. Duh. How more obvious of a setting could there be that he was gone than at church, which we already know is difficult, and now at meal time.
As we drove up to the fields tonight for the softball game, I only had the two babies in the car with me. I had just returned from dropping Malia off at dance class, and the others were already at the fields with their Auntie from a cousin's previous soccer game. I could feel myself going downward...I had actually felt it the minute we arrived at the field for my nephew's game. I wanted so badly to run the complete opposite direction, and felt such pride in myself to see my feet continue to move in the direction I knew they should. So as I pulled into the parking lot from dropping Malia off, I turned the car off and asked the two little munchies if they could wait a minute while Mommy said a prayer. Tell me, since when does a 3 year old and a 20 month old sit still quietly for several minutes while their Mom is pleading for assistance? I felt so heard as I was able to speak to my Heavenly Father for the strength I needed to make it through yet another draining and painful first. I also asked for the extra energy I knew I would need for when it was all over and bathtime with grouchy kids was impending. When I'm feeling down, sadly, I find myself speaking shortly and curtly with the girls. I feel awful even admitting that. It was such a relief to not even feel tempted to be impatient with them tonight. I know that my prayer was heard, without any question, and that the Lord picked up tonight where I left off.
I even had a moment where I was able to laugh. On the nights when his games were finished at the same time that the kids' and mom's patience were finished, and we had both cars at the fields, how we loved racing home. Sometimes we would take the same route, but most times we would take different routes to see who would make it home first. Or more accurately, we would race to see who pulled into the garage first. We'd trade who would be driving which car. I remember one night playing a trick on Naki...he was in the lead, and had opened his garage door and was about to pull in. But the garage door opener I have in my car has different controls than his does. Coming up behind him, I pushed a button that started to close his and open mine. I can still hear the squeals of glee from all the girls at the thought of outsmarting him. It so rarely happens, you know. And then even after a full day's work, and sometimes more than one game, he'd kick off his shoes and work side by side with me to get all the girls bathed and in bed.
Moments of reflection and memories that rise to the surface due to experiencing another difficult first are indeed a blessing. I love remembering specific events, sounds, and facial expressions that otherwise I can't pull out of my memory. For that at least, I have a difficult first to thank.
Tonight was a landmark first. It was our first softball game without Naki. It may seem silly, but to me it isn't. Naki was always participating in some sort of sport to keep himself active. A couple of years ago his older brother convinced us all to sign up to be on the first Maile Softball Team in the city non-competitive league. It has evolved since then, and I think this year there are two coed non-competitive teams and one competitive men's team. Naki lives! for those games. He absolutely loves them. What a goober...sometimes, if he had the time, he'd even do a pre-game bath. He's probably rolling his eyes at my spilling his secret, but the man loves a good relaxing bath. I'd be busy doing something and would be surprised to hearthe tub running in our bathroom. Afraid one of the girls had started it, I'd run up only to have him remind me, "Babe, I have a game tonight..." Of course there wasn't always time, but if he could squeeze one in, believe me he would.
I knew that it was absolutely important to continue to attend the games. Besides the fact that I love watching these guys play, it is essential that the girls feel that consistency between the days when Dad was alive compared to their days without him. Yet I knew it would be a painful first for me. How could I not go but yet, how could I go? Another first that I didn't ever want to deal with. But I'm relieved to say that we went, and they came home just as dirty and happy as we always did. The girls had a blast, we had crazy dirty feet and grouchy kiddos from the late hour, but it was worth it to me to see them content with something that feels so familiar.
When we eventually decided to leave the game tonight it was because Eva had had a bathroom accident...again. This past week she's truly regressed. I shouldn't be surprised. The therapists told me when we very first started therapy that some kiddos don't even begin to completely deal with their grief until about 6 months after the incident. Bingo. It's been almost exactly 6 months...just a bit over. At first I thought that out of all the kids she struggled so openly, which I equated with dealing with her grief. In actuality, it was confusion and anger she was dealing with initially, and now she is starting to grieve the reality of Dad not returning. As she hits different stages developmentally, and not just her but all of them, they will revisit their grief. It will mean different things to them at those different stages of their development.
She and I had this conversation the other day:
Eva: Where IS Dad, Mom?
Mom: Remember? Dad is dead.
Eva: But where is he?
Mom: He is in Paradise, Baby. He's in the Spirit World...
Eva: Is he in that house over there?...pointing to a house we were driving by...
Mom: No, Eva...
Eva: Is he in that one over there? ...pointing to a different house...
Mom: No, Eva...
Eva: Is he at the store?
Mom: No Baby...He's with Jesus.
Eva: But where is Jesus? Is he with Santa Claus?
Oh, Eva...to her Jesus is just as mythical as Santa Claus. And why wouldn't he be? How could any of this possibly make any sense to her? So, I am not surprised to see her going backwards again in her potty training as she struggles to try to work through her grief.
I may have or may have not mentioned in here her struggles with food. It's actually getting a bit better these days. But it was getting really quite difficult. Any sign of a meal and she'd run off. She would claim an upset stomach, or her favorite out was that she was tired. She'd actually lay on her bed and not move a muscle as long as I didn't make her come and eat. We're working on this still, with some help from her therapists and a book I'm reading. (I'm feeling like I may have mentioned this already...sorry if this is a repeat.) As I talked it through with her therapists I felt a bit like a dolt for not recognizing the root of her difficulty. Eva's therapist looked at me and simply asked, "Did you eat dinner as a family? Was Naki home to eat dinner with you?" Why yes, yes he was. Duh. How more obvious of a setting could there be that he was gone than at church, which we already know is difficult, and now at meal time.
As we drove up to the fields tonight for the softball game, I only had the two babies in the car with me. I had just returned from dropping Malia off at dance class, and the others were already at the fields with their Auntie from a cousin's previous soccer game. I could feel myself going downward...I had actually felt it the minute we arrived at the field for my nephew's game. I wanted so badly to run the complete opposite direction, and felt such pride in myself to see my feet continue to move in the direction I knew they should. So as I pulled into the parking lot from dropping Malia off, I turned the car off and asked the two little munchies if they could wait a minute while Mommy said a prayer. Tell me, since when does a 3 year old and a 20 month old sit still quietly for several minutes while their Mom is pleading for assistance? I felt so heard as I was able to speak to my Heavenly Father for the strength I needed to make it through yet another draining and painful first. I also asked for the extra energy I knew I would need for when it was all over and bathtime with grouchy kids was impending. When I'm feeling down, sadly, I find myself speaking shortly and curtly with the girls. I feel awful even admitting that. It was such a relief to not even feel tempted to be impatient with them tonight. I know that my prayer was heard, without any question, and that the Lord picked up tonight where I left off.
I even had a moment where I was able to laugh. On the nights when his games were finished at the same time that the kids' and mom's patience were finished, and we had both cars at the fields, how we loved racing home. Sometimes we would take the same route, but most times we would take different routes to see who would make it home first. Or more accurately, we would race to see who pulled into the garage first. We'd trade who would be driving which car. I remember one night playing a trick on Naki...he was in the lead, and had opened his garage door and was about to pull in. But the garage door opener I have in my car has different controls than his does. Coming up behind him, I pushed a button that started to close his and open mine. I can still hear the squeals of glee from all the girls at the thought of outsmarting him. It so rarely happens, you know. And then even after a full day's work, and sometimes more than one game, he'd kick off his shoes and work side by side with me to get all the girls bathed and in bed.
Moments of reflection and memories that rise to the surface due to experiencing another difficult first are indeed a blessing. I love remembering specific events, sounds, and facial expressions that otherwise I can't pull out of my memory. For that at least, I have a difficult first to thank.
Dance Recital Time
I must start off this post by wishing our Emeline a Happy 10th Birthday today! She is just so funny...she said to us last night, "I don't think you guys are excited about my birthday tomorrow...". I told her that we probably weren't as excited about it as SHE was, since she's been counting down the days until she was officially in the double digit ages, never to go back again! But nonetheless, we are definitely excited. The girlies and I had such a fun time this morning going out to breakfast in honor of Line...sometimes when she doesn't know it I just catch myself sitting and gazing upon her amazingly beautiful and honorable spirit. Her daily triumphs uplift and encourage me to not give up. I have much to be grateful for. So little girlie, Happy Birthday!
Some of you are familiar with the girlies' dance group, Jive. They dance all year and begin preparation around Christmas time for their annual dance recital...well, recital seems a bit too proper for this show. It's phenomenal in it's presentation, it's energy, creativity, and overall entertainment. I still remember the first time the girls danced in one...Naki and I just couldn't believe our luck that we'd found such a fantastic group to be a part of. We're positive it isn't all luck that led us to Gina Eady, the owner and head instructor at Jive. She blesses us weekly...we love her.
It's time to turn in our ticket requests for the show. Jive does not sell tickets at the door, you must purchase them in advance. I know many of you have expressed that you would love to come and see it this year, so I thought the easiest way to get out the dates and times would be through my blog. I'm planning to turn in my ticket requests this week, so please! call or email me as soon as you can so that I can turn them in. Info is as follows:
Location: Covey Center for the Arts, 450 West Center, Provo
Price: $9.00 per ticket
Show Dates and Times: Friday, May 14 at 6:00 PM
Friday, May 14 at 8:00 PM
Saturday, May 15 at 2:00 PM
Saturday, May 16 at 6:00 PM
Saturday, May 16 at 8:00 PM
The girls are having such a fantastic time dancing. I feel blessed that they've discovered something they love so dearly. Movement is therapeutic for the body and soul when grieving and I have thought repeatedly how much it is not a coincidence that they found dance early in their life. The girls roll their eyes at me when I say that I've lost track of how many numbers each girl is doing, but taking a chance at miscalculating, I think Line's class is performing 3, Malia's is performing 3, Lose Eli and Eva's each are performing 1. In addition to those numbers, Gina helped the girls choreograph a number in honor of Naki. They got to pick the song, and chose "My Girl", since Naki sings that to each of them nonstop the minute he finds out their gender.... I still remember our downstairs neighbor when we lived in our Condo telling me that she would make everyone in her house be quiet whenever she heard Naki start to sing that song (which was often) so that she could sway along. (How could I forget her telling me that?! At the time, she didn't have her teeth in and was only wearing a man's shirt that barely covered her nether-regions...as she stood on my front porch. Oh, the good days!)
Can't wait for May 14th and 15th! Here's some pictures of them last year...
Some of you are familiar with the girlies' dance group, Jive. They dance all year and begin preparation around Christmas time for their annual dance recital...well, recital seems a bit too proper for this show. It's phenomenal in it's presentation, it's energy, creativity, and overall entertainment. I still remember the first time the girls danced in one...Naki and I just couldn't believe our luck that we'd found such a fantastic group to be a part of. We're positive it isn't all luck that led us to Gina Eady, the owner and head instructor at Jive. She blesses us weekly...we love her.
It's time to turn in our ticket requests for the show. Jive does not sell tickets at the door, you must purchase them in advance. I know many of you have expressed that you would love to come and see it this year, so I thought the easiest way to get out the dates and times would be through my blog. I'm planning to turn in my ticket requests this week, so please! call or email me as soon as you can so that I can turn them in. Info is as follows:
Location: Covey Center for the Arts, 450 West Center, Provo
Price: $9.00 per ticket
Show Dates and Times: Friday, May 14 at 6:00 PM
Friday, May 14 at 8:00 PM
Saturday, May 15 at 2:00 PM
Saturday, May 16 at 6:00 PM
Saturday, May 16 at 8:00 PM
The girls are having such a fantastic time dancing. I feel blessed that they've discovered something they love so dearly. Movement is therapeutic for the body and soul when grieving and I have thought repeatedly how much it is not a coincidence that they found dance early in their life. The girls roll their eyes at me when I say that I've lost track of how many numbers each girl is doing, but taking a chance at miscalculating, I think Line's class is performing 3, Malia's is performing 3, Lose Eli and Eva's each are performing 1. In addition to those numbers, Gina helped the girls choreograph a number in honor of Naki. They got to pick the song, and chose "My Girl", since Naki sings that to each of them nonstop the minute he finds out their gender.... I still remember our downstairs neighbor when we lived in our Condo telling me that she would make everyone in her house be quiet whenever she heard Naki start to sing that song (which was often) so that she could sway along. (How could I forget her telling me that?! At the time, she didn't have her teeth in and was only wearing a man's shirt that barely covered her nether-regions...as she stood on my front porch. Oh, the good days!)
Can't wait for May 14th and 15th! Here's some pictures of them last year...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Grandma and Grandpa Weist
I received these pictures in an email tonight that my Mom forwarded me from her sister, my Aunt Debbie. I CANNOT stop staring at them! The couple in the first picture is my Mom's Grandma and Grandpa Weist, my Great Grandparents. Isn't it just unbelievable? I'm still anxiously waiting to see if my Grandma can identify who the babies are, and if any of them are her. It was taken in Nebraska, around the 1920's, I'm guessing. The middle picture is the same man in the first picture, but as an older man. My mom says that it was common to see him on the back of one of these animals, and that his eyes were a piercing blue. Some of her fondest childhood memories come from spending time on their farm in Nebraska. The person in the last picture hasn't been identified to me yet, but I cannot wait to hear who it is. How did he get all the way up there? And what is he sitting on? Is that snow on the ground? Seriously...I cannot stop looking at these amazing pictures. Just the fact that someone stopped to take a picture fascinates me. But most of all, it's thinking about Naki being in the same place they are. And believe you me, he knows all of their names for sure.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I came across this little video of Malia's 6th birthday party. It's rare that I have video of Naki, since he and I were most often just videoing the kiddos and almost never each other. I love his expressions and am so frustrated that I can't recall them all on cue from my memory whenever I want. Have you ever seen such a cute dimple? *sigh*...
Eli had a rough moment today. She confessed that she dreams almost every night that Daddy "gets back alive". It seems so real to her that upon waking she runs up to our room to see if he is in his bed. I can confirm that she does this...especially this past week. I'll find her sneaking in my bed 2 to 3 times each night. I didn't associate her appearances/wakings with her dreams, though. I thought she just wanted to sleep in my bed. I felt so bad for her.
We believe that upon the Savior's Second Coming all who have lived and died previous to His coming will at that time be resurrected, or in other words their spirits will reunite with their now immortal and perfect bodies never to die again. We've discussed resurrection in our home, even before Naki died. Eli, like the rest of us, highly anticipates that day, but is highly frustrated at the missing detail of when exactly that will be.
We just CANNOT wait to see that cute dimple in person.
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