Another Difficult First

Shortly after Naki died so many people told me that once I got through all the 1sts, you know, the first Anniversary, Death Anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, baptisms, etc etc, then it would get easier. I believe them and have actually felt that in certain areas of my life. Maybe I wouldn't categorize those things as easier but just not as awful. I have hope that they will continue to improve in their outlook. However, I never anticipated that there would be so MANY firsts...firsts that I didn't even originally place in such a category. It feels like just when I overcome a challenge of a first, that another one looms ahead of me.

Tonight was a landmark first. It was our first softball game without Naki. It may seem silly, but to me it isn't. Naki was always participating in some sort of sport to keep himself active. A couple of years ago his older brother convinced us all to sign up to be on the first Maile Softball Team in the city non-competitive league. It has evolved since then, and I think this year there are two coed non-competitive teams and one competitive men's team. Naki lives! for those games. He absolutely loves them. What a goober...sometimes, if he had the time, he'd even do a pre-game bath. He's probably rolling his eyes at my spilling his secret, but the man loves a good relaxing bath. I'd be busy doing something and would be surprised to hearthe tub running in our bathroom. Afraid one of the girls had started it, I'd run up only to have him remind me, "Babe, I have a game tonight..." Of course there wasn't always time, but if he could squeeze one in, believe me he would.

I knew that it was absolutely important to continue to attend the games. Besides the fact that I love watching these guys play, it is essential that the girls feel that consistency between the days when Dad was alive compared to their days without him. Yet I knew it would be a painful first for me. How could I not go but yet, how could I go? Another first that I didn't ever want to deal with. But I'm relieved to say that we went, and they came home just as dirty and happy as we always did. The girls had a blast, we had crazy dirty feet and grouchy kiddos from the late hour, but it was worth it to me to see them content with something that feels so familiar.

When we eventually decided to leave the game tonight it was because Eva had had a bathroom accident...again. This past week she's truly regressed. I shouldn't be surprised. The therapists told me when we very first started therapy that some kiddos don't even begin to completely deal with their grief until about 6 months after the incident. Bingo. It's been almost exactly 6 months...just a bit over. At first I thought that out of all the kids she struggled so openly, which I equated with dealing with her grief. In actuality, it was confusion and anger she was dealing with initially, and now she is starting to grieve the reality of Dad not returning. As she hits different stages developmentally, and not just her but all of them, they will revisit their grief. It will mean different things to them at those different stages of their development.

She and I had this conversation the other day:

Eva: Where IS Dad, Mom?

Mom: Remember? Dad is dead.

Eva: But where is he?

Mom: He is in Paradise, Baby. He's in the Spirit World...

Eva: Is he in that house over there?...pointing to a house we were driving by...

Mom: No, Eva...

Eva: Is he in that one over there? ...pointing to a different house...

Mom: No, Eva...

Eva: Is he at the store?

Mom: No Baby...He's with Jesus.

Eva: But where is Jesus? Is he with Santa Claus?


Oh, Eva...to her Jesus is just as mythical as Santa Claus. And why wouldn't he be? How could any of this possibly make any sense to her? So, I am not surprised to see her going backwards again in her potty training as she struggles to try to work through her grief.

I may have or may have not mentioned in here her struggles with food. It's actually getting a bit better these days. But it was getting really quite difficult. Any sign of a meal and she'd run off. She would claim an upset stomach, or her favorite out was that she was tired. She'd actually lay on her bed and not move a muscle as long as I didn't make her come and eat. We're working on this still, with some help from her therapists and a book I'm reading. (I'm feeling like I may have mentioned this already...sorry if this is a repeat.) As I talked it through with her therapists I felt a bit like a dolt for not recognizing the root of her difficulty. Eva's therapist looked at me and simply asked, "Did you eat dinner as a family? Was Naki home to eat dinner with you?" Why yes, yes he was. Duh. How more obvious of a setting could there be that he was gone than at church, which we already know is difficult, and now at meal time.

As we drove up to the fields tonight for the softball game, I only had the two babies in the car with me. I had just returned from dropping Malia off at dance class, and the others were already at the fields with their Auntie from a cousin's previous soccer game. I could feel myself going downward...I had actually felt it the minute we arrived at the field for my nephew's game. I wanted so badly to run the complete opposite direction, and felt such pride in myself to see my feet continue to move in the direction I knew they should. So as I pulled into the parking lot from dropping Malia off, I turned the car off and asked the two little munchies if they could wait a minute while Mommy said a prayer. Tell me, since when does a 3 year old and a 20 month old sit still quietly for several minutes while their Mom is pleading for assistance? I felt so heard as I was able to speak to my Heavenly Father for the strength I needed to make it through yet another draining and painful first. I also asked for the extra energy I knew I would need for when it was all over and bathtime with grouchy kids was impending. When I'm feeling down, sadly, I find myself speaking shortly and curtly with the girls. I feel awful even admitting that. It was such a relief to not even feel tempted to be impatient with them tonight. I know that my prayer was heard, without any question, and that the Lord picked up tonight where I left off.

I even had a moment where I was able to laugh. On the nights when his games were finished at the same time that the kids' and mom's patience were finished, and we had both cars at the fields, how we loved racing home. Sometimes we would take the same route, but most times we would take different routes to see who would make it home first. Or more accurately, we would race to see who pulled into the garage first. We'd trade who would be driving which car. I remember one night playing a trick on Naki...he was in the lead, and had opened his garage door and was about to pull in. But the garage door opener I have in my car has different controls than his does. Coming up behind him, I pushed a button that started to close his and open mine. I can still hear the squeals of glee from all the girls at the thought of outsmarting him. It so rarely happens, you know. And then even after a full day's work, and sometimes more than one game, he'd kick off his shoes and work side by side with me to get all the girls bathed and in bed.

Moments of reflection and memories that rise to the surface due to experiencing another difficult first are indeed a blessing. I love remembering specific events, sounds, and facial expressions that otherwise I can't pull out of my memory. For that at least, I have a difficult first to thank.

Dance Recital Time

I must start off this post by wishing our Emeline a Happy 10th Birthday today! She is just so funny...she said to us last night, "I don't think you guys are excited about my birthday tomorrow...". I told her that we probably weren't as excited about it as SHE was, since she's been counting down the days until she was officially in the double digit ages, never to go back again! But nonetheless, we are definitely excited. The girlies and I had such a fun time this morning going out to breakfast in honor of Line...sometimes when she doesn't know it I just catch myself sitting and gazing upon her amazingly beautiful and honorable spirit. Her daily triumphs uplift and encourage me to not give up. I have much to be grateful for. So little girlie, Happy Birthday!

Some of you are familiar with the girlies' dance group, Jive. They dance all year and begin preparation around Christmas time for their annual dance recital...well, recital seems a bit too proper for this show. It's phenomenal in it's presentation, it's energy, creativity, and overall entertainment. I still remember the first time the girls danced in one...Naki and I just couldn't believe our luck that we'd found such a fantastic group to be a part of. We're positive it isn't all luck that led us to Gina Eady, the owner and head instructor at Jive. She blesses us weekly...we love her.

It's time to turn in our ticket requests for the show. Jive does not sell tickets at the door, you must purchase them in advance. I know many of you have expressed that you would love to come and see it this year, so I thought the easiest way to get out the dates and times would be through my blog. I'm planning to turn in my ticket requests this week, so please! call or email me as soon as you can so that I can turn them in. Info is as follows:

Location: Covey Center for the Arts, 450 West Center, Provo
Price: $9.00 per ticket
Show Dates and Times: Friday, May 14 at 6:00 PM
Friday, May 14 at 8:00 PM
Saturday, May 15 at 2:00 PM
Saturday, May 16 at 6:00 PM
Saturday, May 16 at 8:00 PM

The girls are having such a fantastic time dancing. I feel blessed that they've discovered something they love so dearly. Movement is therapeutic for the body and soul when grieving and I have thought repeatedly how much it is not a coincidence that they found dance early in their life. The girls roll their eyes at me when I say that I've lost track of how many numbers each girl is doing, but taking a chance at miscalculating, I think Line's class is performing 3, Malia's is performing 3, Lose Eli and Eva's each are performing 1. In addition to those numbers, Gina helped the girls choreograph a number in honor of Naki. They got to pick the song, and chose "My Girl", since Naki sings that to each of them nonstop the minute he finds out their gender.... I still remember our downstairs neighbor when we lived in our Condo telling me that she would make everyone in her house be quiet whenever she heard Naki start to sing that song (which was often) so that she could sway along. (How could I forget her telling me that?! At the time, she didn't have her teeth in and was only wearing a man's shirt that barely covered her nether-regions...as she stood on my front porch. Oh, the good days!)

Can't wait for May 14th and 15th! Here's some pictures of them last year...

Grandma and Grandpa Weist

I received these pictures in an email tonight that my Mom forwarded me from her sister, my Aunt Debbie. I CANNOT stop staring at them! The couple in the first picture is my Mom's Grandma and Grandpa Weist, my Great Grandparents. Isn't it just unbelievable? I'm still anxiously waiting to see if my Grandma can identify who the babies are, and if any of them are her. It was taken in Nebraska, around the 1920's, I'm guessing. The middle picture is the same man in the first picture, but as an older man. My mom says that it was common to see him on the back of one of these animals, and that his eyes were a piercing blue. Some of her fondest childhood memories come from spending time on their farm in Nebraska. The person in the last picture hasn't been identified to me yet, but I cannot wait to hear who it is. How did he get all the way up there? And what is he sitting on? Is that snow on the ground? Seriously...I cannot stop looking at these amazing pictures. Just the fact that someone stopped to take a picture fascinates me. But most of all, it's thinking about Naki being in the same place they are. And believe you me, he knows all of their names for sure.

I came across this little video of Malia's 6th birthday party. It's rare that I have video of Naki, since he and I were most often just videoing the kiddos and almost never each other. I love his expressions and am so frustrated that I can't recall them all on cue from my memory whenever I want. Have you ever seen such a cute dimple? *sigh*...

Eli had a rough moment today. She confessed that she dreams almost every night that Daddy "gets back alive". It seems so real to her that upon waking she runs up to our room to see if he is in his bed. I can confirm that she does this...especially this past week. I'll find her sneaking in my bed 2 to 3 times each night. I didn't associate her appearances/wakings with her dreams, though. I thought she just wanted to sleep in my bed. I felt so bad for her.

We believe that upon the Savior's Second Coming all who have lived and died previous to His coming will at that time be resurrected, or in other words their spirits will reunite with their now immortal and perfect bodies never to die again. We've discussed resurrection in our home, even before Naki died. Eli, like the rest of us, highly anticipates that day, but is highly frustrated at the missing detail of when exactly that will be.

We just CANNOT wait to see that cute dimple in person.

A Hard Habit to Break

I really love General Conference. I really do. The truth is, I haven't heard a lick of it since Line was born. I don't know how you other Mothers out there do it, but between trying to help the kids learn the importance of listening to conference reverently, and trying to help them learn the concept of listening to the Spirit for personal inspiration in their lives while simultaneously wrestling whomever are the two youngest at the time, I end up not really hearing any of the messages. I'm banking on the fact that I'm receiving super blessings for my efforts in attending each and every session I can, and that some day I'll miss the wrestling and lack of reverence. But amidst all the chaos today, one thing was notably missing.

Naki singing along with all the hymns.

His absence is so painful on so many different levels. But today's level is the worst...the physical absence. Sometimes it's emotional, spiritual, goofy, routine, tradition, etc. Physical. Today's is so hard to experience, and is a difficult feeling to describe. I can actually feel the missing of him in the tips of my fingers, on the surface of my lips, the ringing of my ears, and the lack of the weight of his arm across my shoulders. As I was trying to process this feeling, it occurred to me that I'm experiencing withdrawal the way any of us do when we quit a habit, good or bad. This isn't just me missing him mentally, it's an actual physical sensation in my body as it tries to adapt to the withdrawals of Naki. When I get like this, it's best for me to avoid all things that trigger it even more, just like an alcoholic, drug addict, or food addict would. No pictures, sounds of his voice, smells, music, or familiar sites.

This weekend really didn't help any...it was the annual BYU Football Alumni Dinner, which Uncle Jr's band was playing at this year. I wanted to skip out so badly. It seemed more than I could do. But in keeping with what the therapists counseled in regards to keeping traditions as consistent for the girls as possible, I knew we had to go. They love going! It seemed so empty and almost pointless to be there without him. But the girls were ecstatic to go, eat, visit and give hugs to all those big football players, and dance to their uncle's music. Needless to say, not the best situation for my withdrawals. Then to have Easter and General Conference in the same weekend seems torturous and just plain awful. I feel like I have a siren and a big flashing light in the center of my chest that is just calling out to him, and it continues to beckon unceasingly with no response. PLEASE just make the pain go away.

I. Can't. Do. This. Much. Longer.

Happy Birthday, Ane

It's hard to believe that it was our last 1 year old birthday luau. But reality is reality. We are the luckiest people because we have Ane in our family. It's ironic, since it took me the entire pregnancy plus the first 6 months of her life to accept the fact that we did in fact have a sixth child in this family. But God had a plan for us, and it is obvious that it would not be the same without our Ane-Boo.

Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate her beautiful life with us. I know I didn't get to talk to everyone who came, but wanted to tell you all thank you for taking time to show Ane how loved she truly is. I was so proud of her sisters, who danced a couple of numbers in honor of Ane. Many of you might not know this, but Naki is their dancing coach. He is the one who would practice their numbers with them, ensuring that they were as ready as they could be whenever they were to dance somewhere. Needless to say, I felt inadequate for the job. Let's be honest...we know the girls didn't get their dancing gene from me, that's for sure. Thanks to Auntie Mona for stepping in and reviewing with the girls. We all appreciated it!

And truly, there would be no luau without some food! Thank you Mom, Dad, Jr, Rex, and everyone else that I know helped make all of that yummy food possible. You guys are pros at this, honestly. The cake turned out beautifully, as always...Thank you Stacie. And the music was divine. All I truly wanted to do was sit down in one place and listen to them sing. Aren't they the best? To all of my sisters who were my extra arms, thank you! Thanks to you, I came home with all of the kids that I brought with me...not one got lost. :)

The Never Ending Cycle

I havn't blogged much lately, not because I don't have anything to say. Come On! When has THAT ever happened? But I have reached a point where I honestly feel that most things I think and feel at this point are so repetitive and whiney, that it doesn't do any good to voice it aloud anymore.

I remember our therapists explaining to me the grief cycle and it's upward spiraling motion, which I'm pretty positive I've mentioned in a previous post. The concept is to visualize a tornado's shape. The emotions I experience in grief start out moving around the bottom portion, always bringing me around to the same emotions over and over, with not much time in between. As you work through the grief process, you metaphorically work your way up the tornado. Still moving in a cyclical motion, but with more time in between each emotion's expression. I will continue to experience each emotion, but the goal and the ideal is to eventually have more and more time in between each difficult emotion.

I don't feel like I'm making any progress in any of these areas. I've been told by the therapist to give it time...I'm still so much on the front end of this process...only five and a half months in. At a minimum, he said, I should prepare myself for at least 2 years. That, was ANYTHING but encouraging. I don't think I can survive in this world of mine, filled with anxiety and depression, for that long. I walk around with an actual feeling of tightening in my upper chest and throat, and am on the verge of tears most of the time. This doesn't feel survivable. I've cycled back to the emotion of exhaustion. I thought I could blame Eva's horrible sleeping habits on my extremely wasted state, but I think it's more than that. It is hopeful, knowing that I experienced this several times before, that it eventually goes away for a while.

My therapist assures me constantly that even though I don't feel it's possible, that one day I will feel happiness again. The very idea sounds ludicrous to me. I've tried to imagine myself feeling happiness again, and honestly the only way it seems remotely possible would be to forget Naki completely. How can I remember him and not feel incomplete? I worry that in order to find happiness it would require me forgetting him. Then one day when I die, after completing my life here, will I even have a need for him? The only way to have happiness is with him. So if I find happiness without him, then will I still feel the need for him in my life? If my life has to move on without him, I've done the math. That's very few years with him and many many without him. I will have lived most of my life without him with me. How horrible to think about. I've also thought about the happiness aspect from his point of view. So many people tell me that those who've died are so happy being relieved from their earthly sorrows and strifes. They are happy. Does that mean that he has any need for us anymore to feel happy? If any of this is happiness, then I don't want it.

Many people have told me that they are confident that Naki is concerned with the details of our lives. If that is true, then why don't I feel him near? Why don't I feel him, in ANY way? This feels like the worst break up. Actually, I never had a break up before. Naki was the only person I actually seriously dated, and we all know how that went. Why does him dying seem like such a desertion on his part, when I know he would never desert us? How can I possibly feel frustration towards him when none of this was his doing? Oh, how this frustrates me! I HAVE to work through these emotions, because I do believe that I will eventually see him again. I just don't know how I'll deal with all of the different emotions that I'm feeling towards him with all of this, logical or not. I guess that's one thing to feel positive about...lots of years ahead of me to work through all of these convoluted emotions.

I feel like I'm living the biggest guilt trip of my life. What I want brings sorrow for the girls, and I could never live with bringing them more sorrow. Thus, my guilt propels me to keep moving one foot in front of the other. Not a very positive motivator. But, I tell myself at least it's keeping me moving, somehow.

Seeing pictures of Naki provokes the strangest emotions within me. For the longest time I couldn't put words to it. Even though I knew he was gone, seeing him made it feel like he wasn't. Sometimes looking at his face is a strange experience because it feels like I am looking at myself. We are one. Since I'm still here, he must still be here. And since he's gone, I am too. It's complicated and difficult to explain.

I feel bad for Ginny. She has to live with me, and sees me emotionally naked and exposed. It must be so draining for her. I'm the eternal taker and she's the eternal giver in our relationship these days. But she never makes me feel badly for it. If anything, she just works harder to try and relieve anything for me that she can, never getting her own self replenished along the way. If I grow up to be anything like her, I'll be an amazing woman.