Grandma and Grandpa Weist

I received these pictures in an email tonight that my Mom forwarded me from her sister, my Aunt Debbie. I CANNOT stop staring at them! The couple in the first picture is my Mom's Grandma and Grandpa Weist, my Great Grandparents. Isn't it just unbelievable? I'm still anxiously waiting to see if my Grandma can identify who the babies are, and if any of them are her. It was taken in Nebraska, around the 1920's, I'm guessing. The middle picture is the same man in the first picture, but as an older man. My mom says that it was common to see him on the back of one of these animals, and that his eyes were a piercing blue. Some of her fondest childhood memories come from spending time on their farm in Nebraska. The person in the last picture hasn't been identified to me yet, but I cannot wait to hear who it is. How did he get all the way up there? And what is he sitting on? Is that snow on the ground? Seriously...I cannot stop looking at these amazing pictures. Just the fact that someone stopped to take a picture fascinates me. But most of all, it's thinking about Naki being in the same place they are. And believe you me, he knows all of their names for sure.

I came across this little video of Malia's 6th birthday party. It's rare that I have video of Naki, since he and I were most often just videoing the kiddos and almost never each other. I love his expressions and am so frustrated that I can't recall them all on cue from my memory whenever I want. Have you ever seen such a cute dimple? *sigh*...

Eli had a rough moment today. She confessed that she dreams almost every night that Daddy "gets back alive". It seems so real to her that upon waking she runs up to our room to see if he is in his bed. I can confirm that she does this...especially this past week. I'll find her sneaking in my bed 2 to 3 times each night. I didn't associate her appearances/wakings with her dreams, though. I thought she just wanted to sleep in my bed. I felt so bad for her.

We believe that upon the Savior's Second Coming all who have lived and died previous to His coming will at that time be resurrected, or in other words their spirits will reunite with their now immortal and perfect bodies never to die again. We've discussed resurrection in our home, even before Naki died. Eli, like the rest of us, highly anticipates that day, but is highly frustrated at the missing detail of when exactly that will be.

We just CANNOT wait to see that cute dimple in person.

A Hard Habit to Break

I really love General Conference. I really do. The truth is, I haven't heard a lick of it since Line was born. I don't know how you other Mothers out there do it, but between trying to help the kids learn the importance of listening to conference reverently, and trying to help them learn the concept of listening to the Spirit for personal inspiration in their lives while simultaneously wrestling whomever are the two youngest at the time, I end up not really hearing any of the messages. I'm banking on the fact that I'm receiving super blessings for my efforts in attending each and every session I can, and that some day I'll miss the wrestling and lack of reverence. But amidst all the chaos today, one thing was notably missing.

Naki singing along with all the hymns.

His absence is so painful on so many different levels. But today's level is the worst...the physical absence. Sometimes it's emotional, spiritual, goofy, routine, tradition, etc. Physical. Today's is so hard to experience, and is a difficult feeling to describe. I can actually feel the missing of him in the tips of my fingers, on the surface of my lips, the ringing of my ears, and the lack of the weight of his arm across my shoulders. As I was trying to process this feeling, it occurred to me that I'm experiencing withdrawal the way any of us do when we quit a habit, good or bad. This isn't just me missing him mentally, it's an actual physical sensation in my body as it tries to adapt to the withdrawals of Naki. When I get like this, it's best for me to avoid all things that trigger it even more, just like an alcoholic, drug addict, or food addict would. No pictures, sounds of his voice, smells, music, or familiar sites.

This weekend really didn't help any...it was the annual BYU Football Alumni Dinner, which Uncle Jr's band was playing at this year. I wanted to skip out so badly. It seemed more than I could do. But in keeping with what the therapists counseled in regards to keeping traditions as consistent for the girls as possible, I knew we had to go. They love going! It seemed so empty and almost pointless to be there without him. But the girls were ecstatic to go, eat, visit and give hugs to all those big football players, and dance to their uncle's music. Needless to say, not the best situation for my withdrawals. Then to have Easter and General Conference in the same weekend seems torturous and just plain awful. I feel like I have a siren and a big flashing light in the center of my chest that is just calling out to him, and it continues to beckon unceasingly with no response. PLEASE just make the pain go away.

I. Can't. Do. This. Much. Longer.

Happy Birthday, Ane

It's hard to believe that it was our last 1 year old birthday luau. But reality is reality. We are the luckiest people because we have Ane in our family. It's ironic, since it took me the entire pregnancy plus the first 6 months of her life to accept the fact that we did in fact have a sixth child in this family. But God had a plan for us, and it is obvious that it would not be the same without our Ane-Boo.

Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate her beautiful life with us. I know I didn't get to talk to everyone who came, but wanted to tell you all thank you for taking time to show Ane how loved she truly is. I was so proud of her sisters, who danced a couple of numbers in honor of Ane. Many of you might not know this, but Naki is their dancing coach. He is the one who would practice their numbers with them, ensuring that they were as ready as they could be whenever they were to dance somewhere. Needless to say, I felt inadequate for the job. Let's be honest...we know the girls didn't get their dancing gene from me, that's for sure. Thanks to Auntie Mona for stepping in and reviewing with the girls. We all appreciated it!

And truly, there would be no luau without some food! Thank you Mom, Dad, Jr, Rex, and everyone else that I know helped make all of that yummy food possible. You guys are pros at this, honestly. The cake turned out beautifully, as always...Thank you Stacie. And the music was divine. All I truly wanted to do was sit down in one place and listen to them sing. Aren't they the best? To all of my sisters who were my extra arms, thank you! Thanks to you, I came home with all of the kids that I brought with me...not one got lost. :)

The Never Ending Cycle

I havn't blogged much lately, not because I don't have anything to say. Come On! When has THAT ever happened? But I have reached a point where I honestly feel that most things I think and feel at this point are so repetitive and whiney, that it doesn't do any good to voice it aloud anymore.

I remember our therapists explaining to me the grief cycle and it's upward spiraling motion, which I'm pretty positive I've mentioned in a previous post. The concept is to visualize a tornado's shape. The emotions I experience in grief start out moving around the bottom portion, always bringing me around to the same emotions over and over, with not much time in between. As you work through the grief process, you metaphorically work your way up the tornado. Still moving in a cyclical motion, but with more time in between each emotion's expression. I will continue to experience each emotion, but the goal and the ideal is to eventually have more and more time in between each difficult emotion.

I don't feel like I'm making any progress in any of these areas. I've been told by the therapist to give it time...I'm still so much on the front end of this process...only five and a half months in. At a minimum, he said, I should prepare myself for at least 2 years. That, was ANYTHING but encouraging. I don't think I can survive in this world of mine, filled with anxiety and depression, for that long. I walk around with an actual feeling of tightening in my upper chest and throat, and am on the verge of tears most of the time. This doesn't feel survivable. I've cycled back to the emotion of exhaustion. I thought I could blame Eva's horrible sleeping habits on my extremely wasted state, but I think it's more than that. It is hopeful, knowing that I experienced this several times before, that it eventually goes away for a while.

My therapist assures me constantly that even though I don't feel it's possible, that one day I will feel happiness again. The very idea sounds ludicrous to me. I've tried to imagine myself feeling happiness again, and honestly the only way it seems remotely possible would be to forget Naki completely. How can I remember him and not feel incomplete? I worry that in order to find happiness it would require me forgetting him. Then one day when I die, after completing my life here, will I even have a need for him? The only way to have happiness is with him. So if I find happiness without him, then will I still feel the need for him in my life? If my life has to move on without him, I've done the math. That's very few years with him and many many without him. I will have lived most of my life without him with me. How horrible to think about. I've also thought about the happiness aspect from his point of view. So many people tell me that those who've died are so happy being relieved from their earthly sorrows and strifes. They are happy. Does that mean that he has any need for us anymore to feel happy? If any of this is happiness, then I don't want it.

Many people have told me that they are confident that Naki is concerned with the details of our lives. If that is true, then why don't I feel him near? Why don't I feel him, in ANY way? This feels like the worst break up. Actually, I never had a break up before. Naki was the only person I actually seriously dated, and we all know how that went. Why does him dying seem like such a desertion on his part, when I know he would never desert us? How can I possibly feel frustration towards him when none of this was his doing? Oh, how this frustrates me! I HAVE to work through these emotions, because I do believe that I will eventually see him again. I just don't know how I'll deal with all of the different emotions that I'm feeling towards him with all of this, logical or not. I guess that's one thing to feel positive about...lots of years ahead of me to work through all of these convoluted emotions.

I feel like I'm living the biggest guilt trip of my life. What I want brings sorrow for the girls, and I could never live with bringing them more sorrow. Thus, my guilt propels me to keep moving one foot in front of the other. Not a very positive motivator. But, I tell myself at least it's keeping me moving, somehow.

Seeing pictures of Naki provokes the strangest emotions within me. For the longest time I couldn't put words to it. Even though I knew he was gone, seeing him made it feel like he wasn't. Sometimes looking at his face is a strange experience because it feels like I am looking at myself. We are one. Since I'm still here, he must still be here. And since he's gone, I am too. It's complicated and difficult to explain.

I feel bad for Ginny. She has to live with me, and sees me emotionally naked and exposed. It must be so draining for her. I'm the eternal taker and she's the eternal giver in our relationship these days. But she never makes me feel badly for it. If anything, she just works harder to try and relieve anything for me that she can, never getting her own self replenished along the way. If I grow up to be anything like her, I'll be an amazing woman.

Announcing Ane's 1st Birthday Party!

Hey y'all...I seriously am deficient in my computer literacy skill set. I just can't figure out how to get the invitation for Ane's party that I printed on some fun birthday paper to scan and upload onto here. I did it just fine with the flyer for the Fireside Fundraiser, but it just isn't workin' out for me this time around. Instead, I'll be posting it without the fun paper, but at least it will show you all the necessary info and her cute face. I can't believe it's actually our last one! Naki and his family always do all of the prepping, cooking, and serving, so I just wanted to give a huge thank you in advance for all the hard work they're all going to be doing in the next little while. Hope to see you there!

Okay...I'm taking deep breaths over here. I can't even get a plain one to post! Aaarrgh! So, here's the info.

Date: Tomorrow, March 27, 2010
Address: Windsor Main Street Chapel
1390 N. Main, Orem
Time: 4 - 6 PM
Contact: Abby at 801-787-8653 if you have any questions.

I think a computer class should be one of the first classes I enroll in when I get back into college. Seriously...this should not be this difficult!

Ginny and I watched a new television series called Who Do You Think You Are last night, two separate episodes. Ironic, I know, since I just wrote the other day about how there isn't anything on television that keeps my attention these days. But this show strikes something within me...the connection between us and our dead loved ones seems so close and strong after years of feeling such an abstract connection to my ancestors. It's easy to see why I'm interested...wanting to connect with my deceased family members. I replay over and over many different scenarios in my head of my highly anticipated reunion with my loved one. After watching this show the reality of how closely tied we are to those who seem so long gone has struck me strongly. I would like to be able to know the names and what my connection to them is of my family members that I will get to meet someday. We are connected. I need to get started on my family history.

One of the episodes traced someone's slave ancestors through Alabama, Virginia, and eventually back to Africa. The other episode traced someone's Jewish ancestors back to Poland. It was so difficult and heartwrenching to somewhat relive the history of two separate eras filled with such hate and discrimination. The horrific treatment of the Jews by the Nazis and the slaves by their owners was thought provoking and Ginny and I questioned how humans could treat other humans with such lack of honor and just basic respect. We reached some conclusions, the main idea being that in both situations people were able to motivate other people to act in a manner previously inconsistent with their nature by instilling fear in them. Their reasons for fear may differ, but fear is often the base emotion that brings out the devilish thoughts and actions in humans.

Today my therapist and I were discussing a sweet boy who was born with a physical defect and about how he is beginning to experience a bit of teasing from other children. "Why does that happen? Why do children do that to other children? In what way could they possibly benefit from picking on another boy or child that has done nothing to them but be different?", I asked him.

"Fear", was his response.

All the puzzle pieces fit smoothly and true in position in my mind and heart as a bigger understanding within me began to emerge. I could see the truth in his answer. We all do things that we wish we could redo...whether it was act under peer pressure for fear of not being accepted, not apply for a job for fear of rejection, not try something hard for fear of not finishing, not speak up or stand up for fear of looking foolish, the list can go on and on.

He then proceeded to tell me to prepare myself. The girls, even though they don't have a physical defect, would experience these fear-filled reactions from others throughout their lives due to their societal defect of their Dad being dead. He explained to me the importance of teaching them how to diffuse people's fear. "Fear?", I questioned. He explained that people oftentimes feel fearful at what they do not know or what they do not understand. There will be times when discussions will occur that include the girls, only to turn to a topic that others will not know how to handle, topics that in any way have anything to do with their Dad. It could be something as simple as someone stating something that their Dad told them yesterday, or someone talking about what their Dad's job is, or perhaps about their Dad's birthday. Suddenly they will realize the topic and will fear what the right action on their part should be. It can happen with teacher peers as well, or even family. It can sometimes result in the girls feeling isolated by others because they don't know how to handle the situation. The girlies need to be confident in telling those around them that it's okay, even though their Dad is dead he's still their Dad. And they don't mind talking about Dads at all!

Today I received some information in the mail that I'd been waiting for. You can send in a written and notarized request to the Medical Examiner's Office for a detailed report on the autopsy. I did that, and finally received said report today. I was so disappointed to find nothing in there that cleared anything up at all. As a result of reading about autopsy happenings combined with not learning anything new, I found myself today emotional and short with those around me. Not a good combination to add into my already cocktail mixture of maxxed out emotions. And then, in addition to that, I knew that this afternoon was the only available day to go around and pass out the invitations to Ane's Luau Birthday party.

This may seem insignificant to some of you, but it holds huge significance for me. Naki and the girlies and I always did this together for each of the girlies' 1st Birthday Luaus. It was such fun. He would organize the list of all the different addresses, making sure that we wouldn't have to backtrack anywhere, and then we'd get at it, leaving the side doors of the minivan open as one girlie after another would hop out of the car and run up to a house to tape the invite on their door, and would return to the car as another girlie was hopping out for their turn. Today we were almost finished and I thought we were doing grandly at our normally 1 hour project that had taken me and the girlies 2 hours to complete. But we'd done it! and had experienced lots of giggles in the process. I should know better than to count my chickens before they hatch... We were approaching two friends whose houses are across the street from each other. They were actually outside with their children, playing and working. It was Lose's friend's house, and in her excitement to deliver the invite she leaped from the car while I was still driving, ending up in an eventual face-plant on the asphalt. This has NEVER happened before and of course it was Lose it happened to. Uuugh. But, we triumphed! We completed our task, and are so excited to be able to get together and celebrate our precious Ane-Boo. I can't figure out why I can't get the invite to load up on here tonight...I'm a bit wasted and will try again tomorrow.

Love you all...