Today was Joy School. All of my girls so far have participated in it, and we are all the better for it. It is a preschool that is taught by a group of mothers who rotate turns teaching at their house. The mothers this year have graciously filled in to teach on my weeks as it is impossible for me to tackle that these days. I've had joy school groups of 3 children, 4 children, and even 5 children, which is considered a large group, especially when in addition to the joy school kids you have your younger kids to attend to as well. As this year approached, the mothers met and knew that we would most likely have a group of 6 kids...quite a large group. But we all decided that we thought we could manage it. This meant that we would only have to teach every 6th week, and seemed worth the effort of having such a large group. My dear Joy School friend, a mother who's children I've had the privilege of teaching, and I were visiting last week about how they've all been taking my teaching turns for me. I feel so badly that they are shouldering my responsibilities, but know that teaching is beyond me right now. She reassured me that they were all happy to continue to do it throughout the year, and helped me see one more way that Heavenly Father was setting the scene for this awful time of my life. Had there not been such a large group this year there wouldn't be so many moms to help take my turns teaching. How grateful I am to all of them for being willing to serve me and Eli, my Joy School child this year. It has been overwhelmingly touching to see them all practice such patience with her (she requires just a bit more than the average munchkin, and that's on a good day :) ) and to love her through her grieving quirks. I love those women and want them to all know it.
Today was the field trip to go to a Fire Station. We have a fireman in our ward, who's kids have also done Joy School with ours. He is so easily able to relate to the kids, and teaches them so well. Both Eli and I wanted to be together for this particular trip. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that for us it may be somewhat difficult to see the back and inside of an ambulance...however, that genius was not me. It didn't occur to me that this could be somewhat traumatic, more for me than for her since she never actually saw her dad in the ambulance. But the last time I saw an ambulance it was with Naki laying on a stretcher with his feet angled just so hanging off the end while the EMTs tried so desperately to restart his heart. That is an image I will never forget. I was excited for Eli to have the field trip experience her sister's had, and knew that it had been fun in the past and so anticipated how much fun it would be for her. She was the genius that I should have been. While we were there she immediately grew insecure and timid about being around those huge and sometimes life saving pieces of equipment. As we stood at the back of the ambulance and our good fireman friend opened those doors, I was flooded with so many emotions. I tried hard to not start bawling...it would just kinda ruin the moment of anticipation and excitement that had been built up for the little kiddos...just a little bit. I imagined a dramatic scene of me shouting out, throwing my face into my hands sobbing, and running as fast as I could away from that place. Please, stop the drama...as I always say to the girls. So instead, as I stood there staring at the stretcher and trying to blink back the tears, I looked all around me at those adorable faces staring in fascination into the back of that ambulance. I thought about how unexposed to trauma and trials they are and felt grateful for that. It was refreshing to see such undulated joy and pleasure at the sight that for me feels so horrible and hateful. I realized then that it is unhealthy to always connect ambulances to Naki's death. If I relate every ambulance I see to the night of October 16th and all that means, then I am missing the mark. In that moment I instead chose to remember last year, when one of my little Joy School kids fell unconscious at my house and those brave EMTs rushed over and put that sweet little boy in the back of that ambulance. He is still alive. Eli helped me remember today when last summer at one of Naki's softball games a girl was injured and an ambulance came and helped her. I remembered how an ambulance and it's EMTs came to help my sister who delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy on her living room couch. And I'm positive there are many many more stories like those where much needed help has come from within the back of an ambulance. Today I was reminded that ambulances ARE good, just sometimes what happens inside of them has the ability to transform you in ways you hadn't planned.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Water Queen
Emeline. What a Heaven-sent little girl she is. She came to us, a woman trapped in a little baby's body, always carrying herself with confidence and determined to do things the way she saw fit. Always trying to please the people around her, and now with this new twist in her life trying even harder. I just want her to be a little girl, and to not worry about things that a little girl shouldn't have to worry about. She tries so hard to perceive my mood, and is greatly affected by it either way. She's like Eva, who randomly comes up to me and asks, "Mom, you happy?" or "Mom, you sad?". It's very important to her to know how I feel and I catch her quite often out of the corner of my eye just watching me, and trying to choose her actions based upon what she discovers. Lately she's decided that it would be helpful to start the little girls' baths for me. Although it truly is helpful, and I probably wouldn't have thought as much about it if her Dad hadn't died, I worry that the opportunity for her to be a little girl is quickly passing her by. It's not a bad thing to do kind things to help those around you. But I don't want her carrying a burden that isn't hers to carry. She's started a fun tradition with each of the three youngest girlies, and they actually look forward to her bathing them. Tonight she'd finished bathing Ane and was starting on Eli. I walked in the bathroom to hear the following conversation:
Eli: Oh, Line! You forgot to do that queen-y thing!
Line: Oh that's right. Here, you start with the soap while I add more water, and then I'll crown you Queen of the Water.
Aren't I lucky to live with Line, the ultimate Queen?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Empathy
Writing on this blog has been and continues to be such an interesting experience for me. Sometimes a thought comes to me and is so clear about how I feel about it that sitting and writing those thoughts out comes easily and effortlessly. I hardly edit anything, and the order in which my thoughts flow through my fingertips I don't question. It just happens and feels natural. Then there are other times when I feel I should post some pictures and some semi-normal (whatever that actually means) posts about non-death related events, like birthdays, get togethers, or even just a random picture. And then there are the posts that I agonize over. They are the ones that use the most mental focus, spiritual awareness, and careful word choices. These posts come from the most inner part of myself. They are the most self-exposing, the ones where I share my feelings that are difficult even for me to comprehend, and most times are still unresolved. I find myself mulling over thoughts repeatedly, day in and day out, so that I can wrap my mind and heart around exactly why I'm thinking about them over and over and also to try and discover exactly what impact they will have on my new self. When I sit down to write about it, because they're somewhat unfinished thoughts not yet completed or polished, I often hesitate as I write in the effort to try and find the words that match the feelings I've been having and now feel driven to transfer from mind to paper. I have now one of those posts developing in my mind. It's been there since Thanksgiving, and I'm just beginning to understand how all of the thoughts that have been spiraling in my mind actually fit together. I'm still not ready to write it all out, but as I was doing the dishes tonight after all the girls were in bed, a thought came to me so strongly that I cannot deny it's authenticity. Let me start with a little background.
Remember my post about friends? Well, I have met yet another friend. He has been irreplaceable thus far in the short time I've known him and am thankful for the insights he's shared with me. He served in the same mission as Naki and he and I have almost identical experiences. His wife also died while sleeping, also from an undiagnosed heart condition. He was left with 4 angels who rely on him in the hardest time of his life as I have been left with 6 during the hardest time of mine. He's about 15 months or so ahead of me in the grieving process, so has been able to understand some of the backwards and ugly thoughts and emotions of which I'm currently besieged. He asked me a question last night and I've been thinking about it all day. "Have you ever wished it was you that went instead of him?" Both of us answered that we had occasionally had that thought, but for different reasons. My reason was because my spiritual struggles lately have been laced with guilt that had Naki been the one alive with the honor of raising the kids he would never have struggled with his faith. He never waivers, no matter the challenge. I feel inadequate for the job because of my spiritual instability.
My friend's answer to me was so noble and considerate for his wife...that he had experienced those thoughts of wishing it had been he who had died but quickly dismissed them knowing of the pain that he's going through and how he'd never want her to have to experience it. I've not been able to stop thinking about his charitable consideration for her, probably because I've not been thinking about anyone other than myself. His response humbled me. I've been so angry for several weeks now and the last thing I've been considering was Naki.
That last sentence I wrote came as an epiphany earlier this afternoon and has has been pacing around my mind for hours, which brings me to when I was doing the dishes tonight. I was bouncing back and forth in my mind the ideas of being humbled by my friend's attitude, thinking more of Naki, and thinking about how I'd feel had it been me who had died. I tried to picture myself having died, now participating in things that I can only imagine must be hopeful and heavenly and having obvious joy from knowing I'd successfully completed my time on earth, but all the while feeling incomplete and sorrowful from being without my husband and babies. It was at that moment that I felt such clarity and empathy for Naki...that even though he is without the trials and difficulties that this temporal and mortal existance brings, how he must ache to be with us. I know that Man, and he feels whole when he is surrounded by his family. It is with a huge sigh of relief that I was finally able to feel empathy tonight instead of anger. I hope it lasts.
Remember my post about friends? Well, I have met yet another friend. He has been irreplaceable thus far in the short time I've known him and am thankful for the insights he's shared with me. He served in the same mission as Naki and he and I have almost identical experiences. His wife also died while sleeping, also from an undiagnosed heart condition. He was left with 4 angels who rely on him in the hardest time of his life as I have been left with 6 during the hardest time of mine. He's about 15 months or so ahead of me in the grieving process, so has been able to understand some of the backwards and ugly thoughts and emotions of which I'm currently besieged. He asked me a question last night and I've been thinking about it all day. "Have you ever wished it was you that went instead of him?" Both of us answered that we had occasionally had that thought, but for different reasons. My reason was because my spiritual struggles lately have been laced with guilt that had Naki been the one alive with the honor of raising the kids he would never have struggled with his faith. He never waivers, no matter the challenge. I feel inadequate for the job because of my spiritual instability.
My friend's answer to me was so noble and considerate for his wife...that he had experienced those thoughts of wishing it had been he who had died but quickly dismissed them knowing of the pain that he's going through and how he'd never want her to have to experience it. I've not been able to stop thinking about his charitable consideration for her, probably because I've not been thinking about anyone other than myself. His response humbled me. I've been so angry for several weeks now and the last thing I've been considering was Naki.
That last sentence I wrote came as an epiphany earlier this afternoon and has has been pacing around my mind for hours, which brings me to when I was doing the dishes tonight. I was bouncing back and forth in my mind the ideas of being humbled by my friend's attitude, thinking more of Naki, and thinking about how I'd feel had it been me who had died. I tried to picture myself having died, now participating in things that I can only imagine must be hopeful and heavenly and having obvious joy from knowing I'd successfully completed my time on earth, but all the while feeling incomplete and sorrowful from being without my husband and babies. It was at that moment that I felt such clarity and empathy for Naki...that even though he is without the trials and difficulties that this temporal and mortal existance brings, how he must ache to be with us. I know that Man, and he feels whole when he is surrounded by his family. It is with a huge sigh of relief that I was finally able to feel empathy tonight instead of anger. I hope it lasts.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Couple pics
No, not couple pics of Naki and I. That's why I'm putting this picture up of my sister Katie and her husband Matt, who have been so sweet and thoughtful in their awareness of us and our needs since Naki's died...Katie was here when I got back from the hospital the morning Naki died and let me just lose it a bit before all the kids woke up. I took this picture at Thanksgiving this year because since Naki died I've been looking for pictures of us together. I realized that every time pictures were being taken over the last several years it was never of he and I together, but rather of the kids, or one of us with the kids. So, here's my not so gentle reminder to all of you to take pictures with your spouses or anyone you hold dear. I haven't been able to find hardly any pictures of just he and I, and wish we had taken more pictures together.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Friends
I have the best friends in the whole world. The thing is, I didn't even realize they were my friends. All along I've thought of them as just my acquaintances. But Naki knew better. He and I have had this very discussion so many times. He would meet someone, get to know them a bit, and would value them as his friend. Me, not so much. I wouldn't call them my friend but considered them one of my many many acquaintances. I think it must be a trust thing for me...it is hard for me to trust an individual and consider them a friend, most likely for fear that after putting myself out there like that it won't be reciprocated. It's never mattered to Naki whether or not it would be reciprocated. He was a friend regardless. It's become so apparent to me that I do have friends, and many of them. A special thank you to my newest friends, one of which came over and visited with me tonight, for helping me relearn a lesson that Naki's tried to teach me over and over...Be a Good Friend.
Just some pictures
I have several pictures that I've taken but never posted...my posts always seem to be about me and my feelings, and I need to put more things on here that actually journal some of the girls' journey as well. These don't necessarily do that, but I plan on printing all of this blog at some point, and want these pictures included. This was very shortly after Naki died, and Eva managed to sneak one of her favorite stuffed animals into the bathtub with her. She manages to sneak a lot of things these days.
Here's my own little Rudolph. She is getting so fun and is so silly. She sure isn't spoiled or anything...
Here is the outing to get the Christmas tree I spoke of in an earlier post. There is a Tongan who works at Home Depot that we've seen in there often over the last several years. He came up to talk to the girlies and I while we were waiting for the tree to be tied and such...He let the girlies get these, and the tree too, on the house. Such a fun and exhausting moment. They did their Dad proud though and got the biggest tree on the lot. Seriously, girls...They did help me carry the thing up the stairs and into the front room. We are serious Christmas Tree purchasers around here.
I thought I should put a picture of the actual stitches on here. You can't see, but they actually go up into my hair and scalp. I learned from this that stitches on your forehead heal faster than those on your scalp. I actually had to go in twice to get them all removed...first for the forehead ones and 5 days later for the ones on the scalp.
My Malia...such a sweet love. She wanted to play in the snow, and went out and carved hearts instead of making snowballs. Out of all the girls she has always hid her pained emotions the most, and that's been like that since she was a baby. Getting her to talk about things sometimes is like pulling teeth. I worry about her because of that. She insisted that I take a picture of the snow-heart. It's almost as big as yours, Malia.
Here's my own little Rudolph. She is getting so fun and is so silly. She sure isn't spoiled or anything...
Here is the outing to get the Christmas tree I spoke of in an earlier post. There is a Tongan who works at Home Depot that we've seen in there often over the last several years. He came up to talk to the girlies and I while we were waiting for the tree to be tied and such...He let the girlies get these, and the tree too, on the house. Such a fun and exhausting moment. They did their Dad proud though and got the biggest tree on the lot. Seriously, girls...They did help me carry the thing up the stairs and into the front room. We are serious Christmas Tree purchasers around here.
I thought I should put a picture of the actual stitches on here. You can't see, but they actually go up into my hair and scalp. I learned from this that stitches on your forehead heal faster than those on your scalp. I actually had to go in twice to get them all removed...first for the forehead ones and 5 days later for the ones on the scalp.
My Malia...such a sweet love. She wanted to play in the snow, and went out and carved hearts instead of making snowballs. Out of all the girls she has always hid her pained emotions the most, and that's been like that since she was a baby. Getting her to talk about things sometimes is like pulling teeth. I worry about her because of that. She insisted that I take a picture of the snow-heart. It's almost as big as yours, Malia.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Outpouring of Love
I had the strangest thing happen to me today. The kitchen really is making significant progress. We are eating in there now, but their was a miscommunication somewhere about the height of the bar counter and the matching height of the stools used at the counter, resulting in too short of stools. So until the new ones get here (thank you for working so hard to get the right ones here, Mom) the girls literally stand on their stool to eat at the counter. This makes for lots of food mishaps. I saw the need, or in other words I saw the food on the floor after every meal that looks like there was a food fight when my back was turned, and immediately went out and got a nifty contraption to make cleaning the floors quick, easy, and actually enjoyable. Nothing like a fanTAStic vacuum to get my blood pumpin'. Seriously, is there anything better than clean floors? Well, okay. Obviously there is, but these days I'll take anything.
Part of the kitchen design included a must-have, at least in my world. A television in the kitchen. Now I know that there are many of you TV sensitive folks out there. But I love having the kids clean up their mess and then come sit down in the kitchen and just sit there peacefully and quietly while I get the meal ready. Well mostly quiet, if you don't include Ane screaching at me the entire time. That way when it's time to eat I click it off, the house is tidy around me, and we can sit and visit while we eat. Satisfaction for everyone... Since we're using that space I decided it was time to go and shop for the TV that would fit in the new cupboards. (I still use the word 'cupboards' instead of the fancy designer kitchen type word 'cabinets'. Same thing, right?) The reason I hadn't done this so far is because shopping for those kinds of things just isn't very much fun without Naki. We dreamed for so long of being able to someday own such nice things, and it seems so unfulfilling to have to go get it by myself and consequently enjoy it by myself. I also needed a cable box for this TV, and knew that meant going down to the Comcast building and picking one up. This I also dreaded because electronics just isn't my thing. I try to make it my thing, but after broken cameras, movies that I just can't get to work, not successfully programming the radio stations in the car, being unable to figure out why something on the computer isn't working, and becoming easily confused when trying to pick out a new cell phone, I just conceded to the Electronics God and handed all such things over to Naki. I hope and pray every day I go to turn the TV on that it actually works. I am so screwed if there is ever a problem. I know that I could always call someone to come and help the poor widdle widow, but that gets old guys. Real fast. I'm too independent to keep that up for long. As I walked the dreaded steps into the Comcast building with the two babies along I crossed my spiritual fingers, which aren't very strong these days, and wished, or prayed in spiritual lingo, that this would all go well and it would go fast. We had just come from Eva's therapy session, and she's always a bit of a loose cannon after those.
After explaining to my newest and dear Comcast confidant (you know who you are YaYa!) what I was looking for, and what kind of budget I was on, she got me all set up with the right box for the job. At the end, she asked me if I knew how to set it up. Now, a bit of background here. When we went to Home Depot to get our Christmas tree this year, I told the young man helping us that my husband had died and we were on our first pick-out-the-tree outing without him, and I would need help getting it on top of the car and tied down. He was so gracious...he'd lost his mother at a young age just like the girlies, and was so sweet and generous with us that day. On the way home, Line asked me why I tell everyone that Dad died. I told her and all the other girls that it's not necessary to use that information to make people help you...you don't find me at the store paying, or at the gym when I hand my gym pass to the desk attendant, or when I meet someone new from their school, telling everyone I encounter there that my husband died. But I was smart enough to realize that there are going to be some situations I find mysef in that I know I will fall short and will not succeed because I just don't have the knowledge or ability that Naki would have had in that same situation. At that point I inform those involved that I need help! There is nothing wrong with that and so I use it only when I feel it's necessary and appropriate. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea, that we could use the fact that our Dad died to get others to be nice to us or to help us. Instead it's a way to admit your shortcomings and to admit that you can't do something alone. Today I told my Comcast helper that information because I was hopeful that she would understand my plight and therefore instruct me thoroughly on how to set it all up. Immediately after I told her that Naki'd died, imagine my shock when she said, "I know. I read your blog."! I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the counter where I was standing and stayed there for several seconds, because she got teary and said, "I've been debating whether or not to tell you but didn't want to seem like a stalker!". I snapped out of my shock and started to laugh/cry, because really, my spiritual fingers these days really do need strengthening, and I knew that this was no coincidence that when I finally got the courage to go and do this electronically-intimidating task that made me miss Naki so terribly, who was there but someone who knew my pain and cared for me and mine...she didn't bat an eye the whole time while Eva jumped up and down on the lobby couch, or when Ane turned the lobby TV on REALLY loud, or when Eva tackled Ane and then sat on her back saying "Heeyah, heeyah, Horsie..." to which Ane shrieked in desperation, etc etc. Others looked somewhat pained, but not her. Now I knew why...she knew us. What a comfort. After I was able to process that, she sweetly said to me, "How's your head?", which made me just laugh. I walked out of Comcast today feeling a eensy bit lighter on my feet, if just for a minute. It was the highlight of my day.
There is so much that I want to write about. When Naki first died any time I had a thought I'd jot it down in a little notebook I carry in my purse. I have fallen out of that habit, and regret it. Now I spend way too much time writing in my head, and then by the time I actually get to sit down at night I've forgotten what it was I was writing about. But one thing I could never forget that I wanted to write about is the graciousness and generosity of family, friends and strangers alike.
I jokingly said to my dearest friend today on the phone that I really scored, having my husband die so close to Christmas. (You'll have to pardon my morbid sense of humor...it's either laugh about something and make light of it or fall apart in wrenching sobs. Trust me, the first one is the better of the two.) After being on the receiving end of so much generosity at this precious time of year I almost feel unworthy. If all of you could have seen the girls' faces every time something was given to us, you would have known for sure that your gifts were appreciated and made them feel completely loved. They feel everyone's consideration for their awful situation so easily now it's almost humorous. Every time they see someone crying or sad, whether at church during testimony meeting, or a child at school who's fallen, or even a little newborn baby crying, the little ones will say to me, "Oh Mom...they're so sad because they know our Dad died". Because so many people have offered their love and have grieved along side us so generously, they now believe that it must be the main source of anyone's sorrow. Every time they say something like that it makes me smile, not only because they're so cute in their assumption, but because it brings a smile to me at a time that I don't feel like smiling, knowing that so many of you try so hard to love us. I've tried to make a list in my head, and as a result know that I'll miss someone, but it's been so plentiful that I can hardly keep track. I just wanted all of you to know that I am aware of all of your sweet actions and gifts to our family, even those that I don't know who they came from. The other day when it snowed on and off for the whole day we had 4 or 5 different people come to the house at different times to shovel. Someone put my trash can out on the curb last week on trash day when I forgot. My dentist let me bring all of the girls for their annual cleaning and me for an emergency root canal when he knew I had no insurance coverage. My home teachers put up my exterior christmas lights because no one wanted me to fall off the roof, even though I put them on every year. Neighbors AND the guy installing the cabinets combined their efforts to help me get unstuck out of the snow bank across from my house. The girls' Elementary School and their thoughtful gifts. The BYU athletic department secret santa'd us for 12 days and made every night enjoyable as we looked forward to what they would bring, including Cosmo and the Cheerleaders at Malia's birthday party and a special spa morning with the Cougarettes. We were given the 12 days of christmas with a new Nativity piece every night. People were generous, so generous, in giving us toys, crafts, framed artwork, and gift cards to ensure we had a good Christmas. There are sisters in my ward who work together once a week to bring us dinner, and our dear dear friends the Herrings who also bring us dinner once a week...such a relief to me week after week. The Sunday Secret Santa, who when we would arrive home from church would have left something on our porch wrapped for the girls. The sister in my ward who had a basket delivered to me filled with fantastic indulgences, one of which was my new favorite red slipper socks. Orem City's Water Facility employees, who donated a much needed gift card. The gentleman who's wife died a couple years earlier who donated Christmas dinner. One of our Florida Uncle's place of work provided the girls with their very own "credit cards", in their words, or in my words 'gift cards', which they've been making very detailed plans for. The generous and much needed financial donations, which have made me wonder to what sacrifice people have gone to in order to help us. The girls' Primary teachers and leaders, ever aware of the girlies' new needs and ever patient with their intensified idiosyncracies. The hard work of all the different people involved on the remodel...the donated materials and time astound me. A generous gift to ride the Heber Valley Railroad Polar Express...anonymously...such a great memory that the girls will always remember. They still remember the Elves' names and their funny jokes from the train car we were on. A true friend letting the girls eat breakfast at her house every morning, including over winter break,while our kitchen is still in the works. Family that doesn't quit..they are there every step of the way to encourage and brighten our seemingly endlessly depressing and lonely future.
I am absolutely positive that I'm forgetting many many of you, and those that I forgot to mention will probably come to me when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I nor the girls will ever ever forget what it means to be on the receiving end of such generosity and love. We have made a committment ourselves to try and be so generous to others as you have all been to us. Thank you for teaching us how to love. Umas to you all.
Part of the kitchen design included a must-have, at least in my world. A television in the kitchen. Now I know that there are many of you TV sensitive folks out there. But I love having the kids clean up their mess and then come sit down in the kitchen and just sit there peacefully and quietly while I get the meal ready. Well mostly quiet, if you don't include Ane screaching at me the entire time. That way when it's time to eat I click it off, the house is tidy around me, and we can sit and visit while we eat. Satisfaction for everyone... Since we're using that space I decided it was time to go and shop for the TV that would fit in the new cupboards. (I still use the word 'cupboards' instead of the fancy designer kitchen type word 'cabinets'. Same thing, right?) The reason I hadn't done this so far is because shopping for those kinds of things just isn't very much fun without Naki. We dreamed for so long of being able to someday own such nice things, and it seems so unfulfilling to have to go get it by myself and consequently enjoy it by myself. I also needed a cable box for this TV, and knew that meant going down to the Comcast building and picking one up. This I also dreaded because electronics just isn't my thing. I try to make it my thing, but after broken cameras, movies that I just can't get to work, not successfully programming the radio stations in the car, being unable to figure out why something on the computer isn't working, and becoming easily confused when trying to pick out a new cell phone, I just conceded to the Electronics God and handed all such things over to Naki. I hope and pray every day I go to turn the TV on that it actually works. I am so screwed if there is ever a problem. I know that I could always call someone to come and help the poor widdle widow, but that gets old guys. Real fast. I'm too independent to keep that up for long. As I walked the dreaded steps into the Comcast building with the two babies along I crossed my spiritual fingers, which aren't very strong these days, and wished, or prayed in spiritual lingo, that this would all go well and it would go fast. We had just come from Eva's therapy session, and she's always a bit of a loose cannon after those.
After explaining to my newest and dear Comcast confidant (you know who you are YaYa!) what I was looking for, and what kind of budget I was on, she got me all set up with the right box for the job. At the end, she asked me if I knew how to set it up. Now, a bit of background here. When we went to Home Depot to get our Christmas tree this year, I told the young man helping us that my husband had died and we were on our first pick-out-the-tree outing without him, and I would need help getting it on top of the car and tied down. He was so gracious...he'd lost his mother at a young age just like the girlies, and was so sweet and generous with us that day. On the way home, Line asked me why I tell everyone that Dad died. I told her and all the other girls that it's not necessary to use that information to make people help you...you don't find me at the store paying, or at the gym when I hand my gym pass to the desk attendant, or when I meet someone new from their school, telling everyone I encounter there that my husband died. But I was smart enough to realize that there are going to be some situations I find mysef in that I know I will fall short and will not succeed because I just don't have the knowledge or ability that Naki would have had in that same situation. At that point I inform those involved that I need help! There is nothing wrong with that and so I use it only when I feel it's necessary and appropriate. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea, that we could use the fact that our Dad died to get others to be nice to us or to help us. Instead it's a way to admit your shortcomings and to admit that you can't do something alone. Today I told my Comcast helper that information because I was hopeful that she would understand my plight and therefore instruct me thoroughly on how to set it all up. Immediately after I told her that Naki'd died, imagine my shock when she said, "I know. I read your blog."! I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the counter where I was standing and stayed there for several seconds, because she got teary and said, "I've been debating whether or not to tell you but didn't want to seem like a stalker!". I snapped out of my shock and started to laugh/cry, because really, my spiritual fingers these days really do need strengthening, and I knew that this was no coincidence that when I finally got the courage to go and do this electronically-intimidating task that made me miss Naki so terribly, who was there but someone who knew my pain and cared for me and mine...she didn't bat an eye the whole time while Eva jumped up and down on the lobby couch, or when Ane turned the lobby TV on REALLY loud, or when Eva tackled Ane and then sat on her back saying "Heeyah, heeyah, Horsie..." to which Ane shrieked in desperation, etc etc. Others looked somewhat pained, but not her. Now I knew why...she knew us. What a comfort. After I was able to process that, she sweetly said to me, "How's your head?", which made me just laugh. I walked out of Comcast today feeling a eensy bit lighter on my feet, if just for a minute. It was the highlight of my day.
There is so much that I want to write about. When Naki first died any time I had a thought I'd jot it down in a little notebook I carry in my purse. I have fallen out of that habit, and regret it. Now I spend way too much time writing in my head, and then by the time I actually get to sit down at night I've forgotten what it was I was writing about. But one thing I could never forget that I wanted to write about is the graciousness and generosity of family, friends and strangers alike.
I jokingly said to my dearest friend today on the phone that I really scored, having my husband die so close to Christmas. (You'll have to pardon my morbid sense of humor...it's either laugh about something and make light of it or fall apart in wrenching sobs. Trust me, the first one is the better of the two.) After being on the receiving end of so much generosity at this precious time of year I almost feel unworthy. If all of you could have seen the girls' faces every time something was given to us, you would have known for sure that your gifts were appreciated and made them feel completely loved. They feel everyone's consideration for their awful situation so easily now it's almost humorous. Every time they see someone crying or sad, whether at church during testimony meeting, or a child at school who's fallen, or even a little newborn baby crying, the little ones will say to me, "Oh Mom...they're so sad because they know our Dad died". Because so many people have offered their love and have grieved along side us so generously, they now believe that it must be the main source of anyone's sorrow. Every time they say something like that it makes me smile, not only because they're so cute in their assumption, but because it brings a smile to me at a time that I don't feel like smiling, knowing that so many of you try so hard to love us. I've tried to make a list in my head, and as a result know that I'll miss someone, but it's been so plentiful that I can hardly keep track. I just wanted all of you to know that I am aware of all of your sweet actions and gifts to our family, even those that I don't know who they came from. The other day when it snowed on and off for the whole day we had 4 or 5 different people come to the house at different times to shovel. Someone put my trash can out on the curb last week on trash day when I forgot. My dentist let me bring all of the girls for their annual cleaning and me for an emergency root canal when he knew I had no insurance coverage. My home teachers put up my exterior christmas lights because no one wanted me to fall off the roof, even though I put them on every year. Neighbors AND the guy installing the cabinets combined their efforts to help me get unstuck out of the snow bank across from my house. The girls' Elementary School and their thoughtful gifts. The BYU athletic department secret santa'd us for 12 days and made every night enjoyable as we looked forward to what they would bring, including Cosmo and the Cheerleaders at Malia's birthday party and a special spa morning with the Cougarettes. We were given the 12 days of christmas with a new Nativity piece every night. People were generous, so generous, in giving us toys, crafts, framed artwork, and gift cards to ensure we had a good Christmas. There are sisters in my ward who work together once a week to bring us dinner, and our dear dear friends the Herrings who also bring us dinner once a week...such a relief to me week after week. The Sunday Secret Santa, who when we would arrive home from church would have left something on our porch wrapped for the girls. The sister in my ward who had a basket delivered to me filled with fantastic indulgences, one of which was my new favorite red slipper socks. Orem City's Water Facility employees, who donated a much needed gift card. The gentleman who's wife died a couple years earlier who donated Christmas dinner. One of our Florida Uncle's place of work provided the girls with their very own "credit cards", in their words, or in my words 'gift cards', which they've been making very detailed plans for. The generous and much needed financial donations, which have made me wonder to what sacrifice people have gone to in order to help us. The girls' Primary teachers and leaders, ever aware of the girlies' new needs and ever patient with their intensified idiosyncracies. The hard work of all the different people involved on the remodel...the donated materials and time astound me. A generous gift to ride the Heber Valley Railroad Polar Express...anonymously...such a great memory that the girls will always remember. They still remember the Elves' names and their funny jokes from the train car we were on. A true friend letting the girls eat breakfast at her house every morning, including over winter break,while our kitchen is still in the works. Family that doesn't quit..they are there every step of the way to encourage and brighten our seemingly endlessly depressing and lonely future.
I am absolutely positive that I'm forgetting many many of you, and those that I forgot to mention will probably come to me when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I nor the girls will ever ever forget what it means to be on the receiving end of such generosity and love. We have made a committment ourselves to try and be so generous to others as you have all been to us. Thank you for teaching us how to love. Umas to you all.
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