Six Maile Chix

Fall Break 2011

2012-01-30T23:28:00.001-07:00

This year the girlies were truly looking forward to their Fall Break from school. I however, not so much. I always look forward to when the girls are out of school. I feel greedy, wanting as much time with them as I can get before this precious too-short time of their little years runs out. However, I didn't know how to handle my classes and fall break simultaneously, never before being in school while they were out of school. The only way I survived this past semester in general was with the dear and charitable gifts given to me by friends and family that voluntarily watched the girls on assigned days of the week. I would drop them off at 9:30 in the morning and would then leave them there for playing, lunch, and naps, which all of these dear friends endured simply out of love for us. I still am in awe of their goodness. But can you sense my panic when I all of a sudden lost two whole study days? I was hyperventilating, desperately trying to figure out how on earth I would make it without turning in late assignments, missing tests, and falling behind in my oodles of reading. Additionally, I am the kind of student that needs silence while I study. We all know how that was absolutely NOT going to happen in the next several days. And so, I enlisted my sweet children's help. I explained to them what needed to be accomplished and that I knew they would be sacrificing their free time to help me. Not one of them complained. Not one. With smiles and actual happiness they for the next two days ran a household. They helped one another dress and make their beds in the morning, did each others hair, made each other breakfast and cleaned it up, as well as lunch. They played with one another throughout the morning and tidied up after themselves. I stayed sequestered away, trying to speed study, hoping that all was going well. I couldn't believe how effortlessly and perfectly it all went. I would make dinner for them but they would help each other get bathed and dressed in jammies, read stories to one another, and get everyone tucked in so I could come in and give everyone goodnight kisses. After seeing them do this Thursday and Friday, I knew they needed to know that their efforts had far surpassed what I had expected and that I wanted them to know how much I, their Daddy, and their Heavenly Father were proud of them and their peaceful choices over the last two days. So at the last minute late Friday afternoon I called them all into the living room and told them to quickly go grab their swimsuits, a pair of jammies, and their daddy blankets for a fun surprise. Of course you can imagine the giggles, squeals, and extreme excitement and enthusiasm. Some time ago I remembered reading in a family magazine the idea of taking a "staycation", instead of a vacation. The idea was to stay in your local area but treat it as if you were visiting somewhere else and have a vacation right at home. We hopped in the car and headed over to a local Marriott and had the best night. I love how when we do these little new adventures it brings about such a reduced level of stress and arguments amongst all of us. We swam for several hours, and some friends of ours even came and joined us. Afterwards we all walked over to a Denny's and had dinner together. We eventually walked back to our room, did nails, and watched late night Disney channel. All the girls were in heaven, and after they went to sleep, there was even a little desk for me to set up my laptop and get back to work. I felt such gratitude that somehow, even though in my mind it seemed impossible, I was able to get all my work done AND the girls were able to see what they are capable of. I was especially grateful that they were able to see that I love and appreciate all they do every single day. These girls deserve absolutely everything they ever get.

Ane's little discussion with Daddy

2012-01-26T13:32:00.002-07:00

I was sitting in my chair in the living room yesterday. You know, the one that my butt feels like it's been glued to for the past couple of months while I sit and do my classes, quizzes, reading, homework, papers, and tests for my online courses at Utah State University. Some of the girls had gone outside in the freezing cold to play. Others had chosen the more sane route and stayed inside. Ane had been playing outside, but eventually came rushing back in with bright red hands and even red bare feet. She never puts on shoes, no matter the weather. This time I hope she got the message that shoes ARE an important part of playing outside in the winter, even if there isn't any snow on the ground. (Even when I force them on her, she quickly takes them off when she gets out there.) When she'd sufficiently warmed up, she grabbed the kid size guitar and walked into the living room where I was and started "warmin up her vocalizer" (name that movie). She was so cute, talking to herself and strumming strings that made no music whatsoever. Then she cleared her throat and leaned into an imaginary microphone and said, "Hey guys...I have a song to play you callllled..." Here she paused, not sure what it was called, this showstopper she'd prepared. She leaned away from the mic, looked over to her right side, and then after leaning back in said "Maybe my Dad will tell me." I was sitting reading one of my textbooks and writing notecards for studying, so I quickly grabbed an empty one and surreptitiously started jotting down what she said. She then pulled away from the mic and leaned over to her right and proceeded to have quite the detailed whispered conversation with Naki, her Daddy. It's funny to think that she's never actually had one of those before. But from what I saw it seems that she needs no rehearsal for the real deal someday. She giggled, she disagreed, she emphasized her points quite succinctly, and finally found a middle ground on which they both agreed. She sat back up straight and then leaned back into the imaginary mic and said in her performer speaking voice, "I do all of it in my whole life with my Dad. Cuz it's so easier...so I have to get it ready." All the while she was perched on the edge of the couch. And since she doesn't have much junk in her trunk, she kept scooting off. Her next words were, "Now let me just get my butt on the stage!" I was then treated to a fantastic rendition of her singing/guitar creation. She reached a point in the song that she was displeased with, at which point she leaned over and said to her manager, "I can't do it, Dad". I was dying to know what advise he gave her, but I'll never know. Whatever he said, it worked. She found her confidence and kept on warbling while I sat there weeping.

2012-01-22T22:05:00.007-07:00

Naki and I learned through trial and error that it works best for our family to pick pumpkins one week, and then actually do the carving a different week. It seems to help minimize conflict and stress, probably more for me than for them. I figure if I'm trying to create happy and pleasant memories, then I should figure out how to eliminate as much stress as possible. It has worked great for us, making each event much more enjoyable. Many years ago while I was teaching one of my piano students he mentioned their family tradition of traveling to this fantastic place where they take tractor rides through fruit orchards out to pumpkin patches where they get to hand pick their pumpkins. I was sold on the idea immediately, and with the exception of a couple years, we make our way there every October. This year the weather was PERFECT. Just perfect. It was one more way that I feel like Heavenly Father continues to bless my efforts. To those of you who don't know, I started school last fall. For reasons other than I am crazy, I enrolled in 16 credit hours. Trust me...I could've sat at my computer every minute of every day and still felt behind in my schoolwork. I found myself frustrated at times because I felt accountable to those whose scholarships I had won and to myself ultimately and struggled figuring out how to balance being mom and student. I knew that it was more important to make sure the girls knew they came first, always. Pictures do not do justice to the nonstop track of thoughts of what assignments were due and how behind I felt as well as how much sleep deprivation I was under, not to mention how many loads of laundry needed to be done or what I would pull out of my magic chef hat for dinner. I am glad to know that somehow that didn't show up on any of our faces, hopefully meaning that they weren't negatively affected by all of my stress and that the girls and I were still able to do the things that we love. The Monday afternoon that we headed out there was absolutely the ONLY day that worked with our insane schedule, and I felt so loved when it turned out to be such a gorgeous day. As for the pics, my apologies for all the pictures with black in the corners/edges. My shutter that is the cover for the lense of my camera was stepped on by some little lady's foot which resulted in some of the pieces of metal falling out and others left hanging in front of the lense. Arrgh. I still need to take that in to get fixed.

Here is a short video we caught that day. It was hilarious, looking at them all squeezed into this cute old truck...kinda like a clown car.

2012-01-15T21:52:00.004-07:00

I am beyond behind in putting pictures on here, and this is the beginning of my attempt to catch up just for the sake of my journaling. Someday I will pay the huge expense to have both of my blogs, this one plus our old one on wordpress, printed. I want to make sure that when I do I have all of the pictures on there that show what we've been up to and what happy memories we were busy creating.

This year Halloween was crazy busy! It seems that each year there are more and more places that the girlies want to make sure we hit. We started out by heading up to the cemetery to Trick or Treat from the candy bucket we put on Naki's grave. Each week in October we'd head up there and refill it, imagining the visitors coming and sharing the treats we'd left. It was one of my favorite parts of Halloween, actually. It has become a happy place for us, believe it or not. One of these days I should video everyone piling out of the car and sprinting up to the top of the hill...it's truly adorable. After that we went to my sister's neighborhood. This part of the evening was by far the most relaxing because my adorable brother in law volunteered to take ALL of the kiddos around the neighborhood while I sat back and relaxed on their couch and visited with my sister as she handed out treats. After time kept ticking past, I started to worry for him! I realized that unlike last year, we didn't send him with a stroller or a wagon for the two littles he had in the group, and I hoped that everything was going okay for all. They showed up happy and chatty about all the fun they'd had, and Matt, the trooper, was carrying all the costume props and several candy buckets as well. What a great Uncle. Thanks Matt and Katie for a fun time!

(This picture I took before we devoured it. Our dinner angels, who have been bringing us dinner once a week since Naki died, brought this in October. Honestly, it's the first time I've seen the girls eat their vegetables so well just because they loved the skeleton so much. Thanks dinner angels!)

After the girls were finished there we trick or treated in our Ward boundaries, visited Grandma and Grandpa Maile's for a bit, and headed to our friends, The Baileys', home for the best jackpot ever. While we were there the girlies all got their pictures taken by Alan...I will try to post them next. They turned out awesome. Man, I just love those Baileys. If it weren't for them I don't know where we'd be living, since they helped us buy their house where we currently live. Ane loves them so much that as we were leaving she asked if she could just stay and chill with them for a while. We were just going to be heading out and pounding the pavement for some more treats which she was apparently done with, so we left her there and went to see some more friends in our neighborhood. I don't care for all the candy that Halloween brings. I'm not one of those people that tries to hit the neighborhoods that give out the best candy. Instead, I just love being in the areas that all of our friends are in so that we can see everyone. Many who know me know that I am not a Halloween enthusiast. But this whole idea of getting to see all of our friends dressed up being silly I could really get hooked on. Who knows...maybe one of these years I'll join in on the silliness. I stuck a pencil behind my ear and told the girls that I was a college student. :) Happy belated Halloween.

2012-01-12T23:11:00.003-07:00

I've been wanting to complete the process of going private, but first needed to make a few comments. Several of you requested an invitation but did not leave an email! That makes it tricky for me. Also, I am running into an issue. When writing with a private status I am only allowed 100 followers and will reach that before I can complete all the invites. I don't know what to do about that! I hate that I have to go private, and will write about that once I have made the complete transition. I just don't want anyone to feel like I chose to not invite you when actually I would love for any person who genuinely cares for the well being of my little family to be able to follow us. Hmmm...not sure exactly what to do about that yet.

I am excited to be blogging again. I have found myself several times over the past several weeks starting to write in my head, which hasn't happened for a while. It's time. Sadly, when I've finally sat down to write, all those marvelous half-written posts have escaped me. So I am going to start jotting down the ideas that come to me while I am out...something I used to do.

I have had one thought cycling around in my head for some time, and wanted to throw it out there to hear back any of your thoughts or ideas on it. What do you think about pipe dreams and how the Lord feels about them? Something you really truly want to happen in your life, but the reality of it seems so improbable that you write it off as impossible. I have been thinking of this because I too, have a pipe dream. I'm keeping it quiet and not sharing, at least not right now. I think I hesitate to share it because I worry how it will be perceived. It is too precious to me and I don't want other's opinions about it to taint it's sacredness. I know why I value it, and that's enough. I don't need others to value it.

But here is my question. How do you approach the Lord in your prayers about your pipe dreams? Ultimately I try and pray for the ability to accept what the Lord has in store for my life and that whatever that may be, that I will learn to enjoy it and find happiness with it. I think the reason I do that is obvious, having experienced first hand a life altering experience that is not enjoyable or happy, although I am just beginning to see glimpses of a life that doesn't have to be forever a disappointment. :) I remember praying when the medical staff was working on Naki, and even then I knew that I should pray not that he would live, but rather that the Lord's will would be made known to me and that I would be able to live through it. I've heard some say that the Lord wants to bless you but is waiting for you to ask specifically for those blessings. I worry about asking for my specific dreams to be made a reality because what if I ask enough times and He finally lets me experience it, even though ultimately it isn't the best thing for me and the girls. I crave spiritual and emotional peace throughout all of this, and am so thrilled to admit that lately I feel it more than I thought I ever could at this point of my journey.

I would love to hear what you think about this, whether through a comment or a private email. Such a large part of my spiritual growth these last two years has come largely through listening to what others think and feel, and so I value anything you would like to share.

Time to go Private

2011-12-22T23:22:00.003-07:00

I have thought for some time about whether or not I should take my blog private. Recently it has become apparent that the timing is right to do so. Please let me know if you would like an invite to follow us still by leaving a comment to this post. I have so many fun pics to post, I can't wait!

Finals

2011-12-13T22:09:00.002-07:00

So...apparently this is what finals week looks like at my house.

And I'm too embarrassed to post a picture of the laundry room. Buuuuttt...I only have one left!! Yayyayyayyay!

(The only way I can post this is knowing that I've since cleaned it.)

Christmas

2011-12-09T08:22:00.001-07:00

Shaving

2011-12-06T08:44:00.002-07:00

I have so very much to say and to write. But I am in the last two weeks of my first semester back in school, and am seriously so close to insanity. I have planned to write during my three weeks off between semesters. But until then, I have to write here that last night I taught my two eldest to shave their legs. Craziness! When they start to be embarrassed to have their lower legs show during their dance class, that's when you know it's time to let them shave. They were pros, and were so cute about it. I wish I had recorded it, but I don't usually remember to do that. I seriously need a full time photographer and home video recorder just to help me catch all those moments. Either that or I need two more sets of hands plus an additional brain or two. :) My favorite part was when they couldn't stop rubbing their own legs and saying how smooooooth they felt. I love these moments, where they aren't so little anymore and we can communicate in a different way than when they were little. But I also resent them because it means that the time is approaching when they will all have grown and I will be truly alone. What will I do with myself then? *sigh* Oh well. It makes me so sad, that I just can't think about it. When I start going there and freaking out about it I start to have those irrational thoughts that maybe I'll get some terminal illness and die so that I won't have to live alone...then the guilt starts to set in because as much as I want to be with Naki I do NOT want to leave these girlies parentless. I want to help them and be with them for as long as I possibly can. So, ultimately what I try and do is trust in the Lord that he will continue to show me what I'm supposed to be doing day to day with my life. If I give my life to Him, then the odds are greater that I won't feel as alone as I would if I didn't.

Give Thanks...

2011-11-06T13:07:00.001-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T08:41:00.000-06:00

2011-10-26T21:44:00.002-06:00

Emily Tafa...thank you so much for bringing this song and this beautiful heartbreak of a video to my attention. I needed it tonight...

Daddy Day 2011

2011-10-24T07:09:00.003-06:00

This year on Daddy Day the girlies were singing in their church's Primary program. They did a beautiful job, and Ane was completely confused why she was the only Naki's girl still sitting with me. We spent the entire program in an argument about why she could NOT get up and go sit with a sister. She spent a significant amount of time, moving from sister to sister in our conversation, and explaining to me why she should be sitting on their lap. I did feel bad for her. We'd been practicing the song they sang plus their individual primary parts each Monday night for the last two months or so. And silly us...she was confused then why she didn't have a "part" and so her obliging sisters made one up for her! And she would practice it when they did, and would stand and sing with them in our music room whenever we practiced. It was all quite confusing to her. For me I couldn't have picked a better thing to be doing on Daddy Day in honor of all that he stands for and all that he holds of value. It was perfect. The night before I had grabbed some balloons at the store...two for each child to release. Line and Malia had picked the colors, BYU ones of course. So Sunday late afternoon each girlie got to write a message to Daddy on them. I asked the girls if they would prefer going to the cemetery to release them or if they would like to take a walk somewhere we'd never been before. In Malia's words, "Mom, let's go somewhere we've never been before so we can have a new adventure with Daddy today." So we headed down to Utah Lake, which I know, many of you who live here go there all the time. But we'd never been there. And directionally-challenged me didn't even know how to get there. We found this little inlet area. There was a small hill with a path that we had to scuttle down to reach where we wanted to go. We made it down the hill, but when we got to the bottom to separate the balloons realized that the incredible wind had tangled all the ends of the ribbons together in one big clump. So the girls decided to all hold on to them and let go at the same time. It. Was. Hilarious. At least to me it was. Maybe to those of you who picture a movie-perfect moment it would have been devastating. But as they let go of the balloons, there was a brief second until we all realized that they were headed straight for the trees beside us. Yes, they stuck right in those branches. All the girls were squealing and I could honestly hear Naki's true laugh right alongside mine. The girlies ran straight to the tree and shook it all kinds of ways, until the balloons finally came loose and took the "correct" flight path. But seriously. How many of our flight paths go the way we thought they would or should? The girls and I laughed and laughed and laughed. It was just a perfect day. We walked for a while on a path that paralleled the lake, but after too many encounters with obnoxious bugs decided it was time to head home. Next year I really want to do a hike in the mountains. Who knows what will happen up there!

Cutest Laptop Junkies Around

2011-10-15T20:19:00.002-06:00

I came up one night after everyone had gone to bed to tell these two goodnight, and found this cute sight. It made me feel envious and pleased all at the same time. Whenever I see happy couples doing things that I know Naki and I would've been doing, or at least I imagine us doing together, I try hard to curb my jealousy and remember that as I heard in our most recent general conference that my life is only in the second act of a three act play...premortal life, mortality, and eternal life. Someday, I will have reached the third and final act and finally be side by side with my sweetheart too.

Announcing the 2nd Annual Benefit Concert!!

2011-10-05T07:57:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone...not sure how many people actually are on my blog anymore these days and would see this posted here. But in an effort to help my sweet brother and sister in law who charitably volunteer their precious and limited time to organize and run such a generous event in honor of our Naki, I am posting this information here so that anyone who sees it can spread the word and hopefully come out to hear some fantastic music. It is such a fun night, and really, a great night of entertainment. If any of you were there last year you know I'm not exaggerating. All the family and those working at the event last year were wearing some t-shirts that were made specifically for that night in honor of Naki. Many of you saw us wearing them then and many times since and have asked where you could get one. You're in luck! They will be selling them to any who are interested this year, so please let me know if you are wanting your very own t-shirt.

If you have the time or the desire, could you pass the information along all of your communication channels? We want as many to come as would like to, and I'm afraid I've maxed out all of my own connections. Spread the word!

Baking, and baking....and still baking

2011-10-04T19:45:00.000-06:00

Now, I get the desire to bake every once in a while, and usually that's only because I want to eat whatever it is I'm baking, and know that the only way I'll get to eat it is if I just bite the bullet and spend the time to bake it. Jackie, on the other hand, just loves doing it. She explained to me that she likens her desire to bake to my desire to landscape. It's not just the actual act that we like, but it's all the things that take place before you ever see an actual outcome. All the careful thought, research, and planning and then seeing the fruit of your hard work. We both love the same process, but in two very different arenas. So, she was so good to be in the kitchen helping the girlies learn how to bake my favorite cream cheese sugar cookies.

Ice cream cone feast

2011-10-03T09:31:00.000-06:00

After her quick post zoo nap, Ane enjoyed her ice cream cone...all the kiddos did, but she just took extra long eating it so still had some left when we got back from the zoo.

2011-10-02T19:15:00.000-06:00

Auntie Jackie planned a fantastic spa night for all us girlies while her boys were out of town. She planned some delicious recipes for us to munch on while she gave some fantastic foot rubs and we watched the movie Penelope for the very first time. We're all addicted, and I want to be her for Halloween, which is extraordinary if you knew how much I hated the effort that goes into accumulating Halloween costumes every year. Here she is instructing on the chocolate strawberry dipping process.

And here is the all time fruit monster...

Ane wanted to help with the sprinkles for after the strawberries were dipped.

Here was the overflowing snack table. I couldn't stand it and before all the food was brought downstairs from the kitchen I devoured an entire banana in the leftover melted chocolate. I prefer chocolate dipped bananas over strawberries any day. And can I say how miraculous it was that after two and half weeks of eating ourselves silly on all of Jackie's delicious concoctions that I only gained 2 pounds? I think I shed the extra ones working my way through the airports with all the kiddos and the carry-ons.

She even made these super cute personalized labels for individualized water bottles for each person. I know only one picture of the water bottles is necessary, but I included all three that I took because as I scanned down the row, something seemed to follow me...see if you can find what it was.

Here's another glimpse of the food. That tupperware container full of heaven was a peanut butter cream cheese with mini chocolate chip dip. You'd think I would've been sick considering how much I consumed, and I don't even like stuff with peanut butter usually. And it made for a pretty delish breakfast if I say so myself. Seriously. 2 pounds was a miracle.

Here's Ane using the great foot soaker that Jackie's friend Mary let us borrow. Thanks Mary!

Here's Auntie Jackie doing someone's nails. And I forgot to add that when she wasn't in the kitchen that day working on the food for the night, she spent it straightening and styling all of the girl's hair.

Thanks for a great night Jackie...

Wordless Wednesday - Ane calls this her Daddy Face...

2011-09-28T18:33:00.002-06:00

Trip to the Columbus Zoo

2011-09-26T07:31:00.009-06:00

When I asked my Dad what he thought we should see while we were in Ohio, he said that the Columbus Zoo is a great place to start. We got a screamin deal, thanks to Jackie's screamin deal prowess, and spent about 6 hours there. All the kids were such such good sports, through the humidity and all the walking. Truly. It was a great day.

This bell was making these cool gong sounds...

The night before we went to the movies and saw Kung Fu Panda 2, and so we were on the hunt for all the same animals that are in the movie. Tigress was much anticipated, and this tiger did not disappoint. As soon as our group came to the window she jumped from where she was resting to prowl back and forth repeatedly in front of the window, only to go rest as soon as we left and other groups came behind us. The timing was perfect, and she was definitely the star of the show. The kids just loved it!

After seeing much more, we headed to some picnic tables to enjoy some lunch, and then headed off for all the bears. Check out the zoos bears compared to all of ours!

We ended the day by letting all the kids stand in front of these water spitting dinosaurs, and let them all get soaked. I was soaked and I never even stood in their water...eeew. It was a sweaty day, but it was worth it.

Afterwards we headed for McDonalds for some ice cream. Check out these cuties. They were playing while we were waiting for our ice cream order.

I don't think she was the only who felt like this after such a fun packed day. Next time we go back we need to see the other 3/4ths of the zoo that we didn't even get to that day!

Quite the peaceful Sunday

2011-09-24T00:07:00.005-06:00

When Uncle Russell left with all the Legg kiddos for a couple day trip to see some family, I felt awful for the scheduling mishap I had made when I'd purchased our tickets for Ohio. Yes. We most definitely missed them. But there was a very special opportunity that I hadn't expected. The girlies were given quite a special chance to spend uninterrupted and quite celestial time with their Aunt Jackie. She, quite simply, is one of the most soothing people to be around. On this day, Sunday, it was so peaceful just keeping things calm and easygoing. Church went so smoothly. The girls all willingly went to their classes. I didn't make them all go by themselves to their individual classes, but allowed them to pair up with each other and pick one of the pairs classes to attend. It worked perfectly. When we came back home we played some games, which we love to do on Sundays.

I believe I mentioned doing this when we went to Moab. But it has become a tradition of ours to visit a cemetery whenever we are in a new place. Or even not a new place, actually. The girls truly feel at home in cemeteries, which I am so glad for. I remember the times when there were many who did not want to go to the cemetery to visit Daddy's grave. It did not represent good things to them, understandably. But after we finished our first family picture the other night I decided we should drive up there and "talk to Daddy", as we do when we visit his grave. As we pulled in to the drive of the cemetery, Malia erupted into cheers, and the rest soon followed. I asked them, "Why are you cheering, guys?", and Malia said, "Duh, Mom...look where we are...". So they love being there, as well as other cemeteries they have no known connection to. They love strolling around, trying to read the names on the headstones, trying to figure out if there are any connections between headstones placed next to each other, and to see if they can figure out how old they were when they died. I often am ready to go before they are, and I spend the entire time not being able to explore myself, but going from child to child as they call out to me, "Mom! Come and see this one! Come see (so and so...) and see how old they were!" So on that morning that I did my five mile mad walk/run, I passed this old cemetery and knew it was the one for us to visit. I haven't seen one this old for so long, being out in the west.

We then headed to find a place for a nice Sunday stroll. Naki and I love taking walks on Sundays. We always stress to the girls that this is not a Sunday sprint, run, or try-to-beat us to our destination kind of walk, but that is actually a stroll. That means that we walk nice and casually, staying close to one another so that we can visit while we walk, and enjoy our surroundings together. This place that Jackie took us, which name I can't remember, was just perfect, and so so stunning. I loved it! We ended up staying until it was completely dark, and enjoyed watching some bats swoop down as we were walking back to the parked car. (Reminded me of good ole' bat days in PA.)

Sundays like these make me feel ready for the week. Thanks for a perfect day, Jackie. Well, actually two and a half weeks of perfect days. :)

2011-09-23T08:01:00.004-06:00

We had all kinds of teeth issues while in Ohio. This little girlie just keeps dropping teeth out of her mouth wherever she goes! Currently she has even less teeth in her mouth than she does in this picture.

eli losing her tooth

boo and her horse teeth

Our first family picture without Daddy...

2011-09-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

Today marked a very significant day in our healing. Today we took our very first official family picture without our Daddy in it. I know there have been many pics snapped up at the cemetary and other places too, but this was the first time I called up our dear friends and told them we were ready for some updated pics of the girlies and quite possibly, if it felt right in the moment, for a pic of all of us together. Even though it's uncomfortable and painful to not have Naki there with us and it would feel easier for me personally to just go ahead and have them take only pictures of the girlies growing up, I would hate for the girls as adults to wish that I had been in more pics with them, the same way I feel about wishing I had more pics of Naki and I together and even me wishing I had more pics of him with the girlies. The other night as I was falling asleep thinking about getting our pics taken, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted it to be fun and silly. I also wanted it to show that we, us women, were united in our goal to be strong and to be eternal. I envisioned us walking together in one line, connected by hands held, and all jumping heavenward. Now, it isn't the most flattering image of myself, but I don't care. Here we are, Naki's girlies, and we are smiling, we are together, and we are his.

2011-09-21T15:00:00.001-06:00

One of the kiddos fave activities to do at the Leggs house, although I think they'd say everything they did was their favorite, was play hide and seek. Here are some pics of some of the clever hiding spots they found. I was super impressed at their ability to keep finding new spots!

Two of our favorite sights

2011-09-20T15:00:00.001-06:00

These pictures were taken this summer. What is it about rainbows? Just witnessing something so otherworldy that happens so briefly with just the right combination of ingredients makes me feel touched by heaven. I felt that way before Naki died, and I truly feel it now. I think they make me feel like in a world surrounded by difficult and ugly things and circumstances, seeing something beautiful at the hand of God is a reminder of all that He is capable of.

The pictures of the horses are a fun story.

Since the beginning of the year I have had the strongest impression that I need to get the girlies lives entwined with horses. Naki and I talked about that sooo very much, but our finances always prevented it from happening. Right before he died he was developing a work relationship with a stable, and had been talking with them about letting us and our girls clean the stables there in lieu of riding lessons for the girlies. Secretly I am frightened by their size and their power, and mostly by the fact that I don't know anything about being around them. But one thing I do know about them is that whenever I am in their presence I feel the same way I do around rainbows. There is something so magnificent about being in the same space as something so powerful, intelligent, and special that isn't human. I am drawn to them. I went through a kooky period this summer where I daydreamed about living in Kentucky. No lie. I can't explain it, but I even went so far as to learn about housing and all other kinds of aspects of living in Kentucky. I could never do it, move there, because there isn't any family there, and there isn't any reason to be there other than I was daydreaming about owning this huge piece of land with fences and horses. Silly dream. I realized after traveling to Ohio this summer that I don't have to go far to have horses and land. I could have it here once I finish school and be smart with my money...someday it could become a reality. Even if that means for our grandkids! But Naki and I both loved the idea of having horses. We used to drive through Lindon and look at homes and their properties that were zoned for horses and just dream. But for now, we feel lucky to have met a sweet man, the owner of the tire shop we go to actually, that told me I could drive the girls out to where he keeps his horses anytime to go pet them and to say hi with some apples. He also told me that I can hop the fence any time and go into the field with them, but I am too scared! One Sunday we cut up quite a few apples and had the best time. I love being in their presence. Eva just lights up whenever she's around them, all the girls do, and they talk about it constantly. Maybe someday I'll get up the courage to go past the fence.

Tim's Special Olympics

2011-09-19T15:26:00.002-06:00

In July the girlies and I were lucky enough to take a quick trip to Boise. My younger but bigger brother Tim was a member of his area's Special Olympics basketball team and my brother in law Albert was traveling with the team as a sort of chaperone. His team played fantastically, and ended up winning GOLD! Go Tim! These pics are the only ones I took, sadly. We brought Addie, my niece, with us. We did a drop-off, leaving her and our two oldest with Grandmother so they could drive back to Coeur D'Alene with her for the annual Grandparent retreat. Thank you to my sis Connie and her hubbie Steve for letting us ALL crash their condo there in Boise that they live in for the summer while they run the Boise hub of their whitewater rafting business. While we were there we got to drive out to the starting point of the slow float. It is definitely on my list of things to do in the near future...when Ane is just a bit older. All of us can't wait to do it.

What a fun thing to do...watch my big little brother have such a great time and watch him do something he's so super proud of. We love you, Uncle Tim!

2011-09-18T15:00:00.003-06:00

Some time ago, back when Auntie Ginny lived with us immediately after Naki's death, I videoed this conversation I'd had with Eli about my decision to get her a cat. We hadn't yet found our Charlie at the time this video was made. It's a bit long, I think about 8 minutes. At the time I couldn't figure out how to get such a long video to upload. But here it is on youtube, and I just HAD to post it on here because it is the epitome of who she is, and what I get to be surrounded by every day...I'm so lucky. Never a dull moment. :)

Gratitude

2011-09-15T09:35:00.005-06:00

I don't have much time to write. I have been experiencing this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for several days, and wanted to write it here for record keeping. I'm sure there will come a time when I will need to read what I've written to help me in my moments of despondency. I am most grateful these days for the people that God has blessed me to have in my life, not as a replacement for the way I miss my Baby, and not necessarily as a compensation, but truly as a sign of Love towards me and our girlies. I am grateful for the ladies and their families who have brought our family dinner once a week since Naki died, and are STILL doing it. I am grateful to the neighbor across the street who since I've started school has noticed that I no longer have time to do that which I love, take care of my yard, and so has come over unasked to mow the lawn for me, repeatedly. I am grateful for the neighbors that since Naki has died continue to set out our garbage cans each week on garbage day. I am grateful for the friends and family who volunteer to rotate turns babysitting my two littles every week so that last year I could work and this year I can attend school full time. I am thankful for a sister who dedicated many hours to researching scholarships for me to apply for, which I did, and received all three of them, for which I am also grateful for. I am grateful for our friends who come over once a month to play with the girlies so I can leave for one night of the month, which I have used for temple night, laundrymat nights, and most recently study-at-the-library nights. I am grateful for a friend who for several years has allowed us to trade cleaning services for dance tuition so the girls can do that which they so love. I am thankful for friends who have brought me cds of songs that they felt inspired to share with me for uplifting. I am grateful for friends and family that randomly text me to tell me that they love me and the girls and are cheering for us. I am grateful for a neighbor who remembers every one of the girlies' birthdays and brings over their favorite treats and a new book for them. I am grateful for my brother-in-law's father, who calls the girls and sings to them on each one of their birthdays. I am blessed to have the best home teacher ever, who loves each of us completely and comes over, dropping whatever he's doing, to help when asked. I'm grateful for worthy priesthood holders who gave our girls their school blessings this year. I am in awe of family who is once again coordinating and producing the second annual benefit concert this October in honor of Naki's life. I am grateful for all of my family, near and far, for their many prayers and thoughts in our behalf. I am blessed to have family who tries to financially help us while I am in school. I am thankful for any and all of the individuals who for the past two Christmases have charitably and anonymously made it possible for the girls to have Christmas. I am grateful to a sister who in the past contributed cleaning services for my household when I didn't have the energy to do anything, least of all cleaning. I am blessed to have had family willing to alter their lives to live with us just to help us. I am positive that I have missed many many people that I have gratitude for. Those are just a few of the instances that have blessed our lives since Naki's death. It is overwhelming to feel such love. I know that even though at times I feel so alone without Naki with me daily, the girlies and I are truly, truly, not alone. We love you all and are so immensely blessed by each and every one of you. Ultimately God is there for us, even if we can't feel it at times. Is there any way I could deny that knowledge, when I take a minute to see all that He has given me?

2011-09-12T09:50:00.004-06:00

This morning I grabbed Eva to dance with her, cheek to cheek. She excitedly said, "Mom! Do the Tonga, Do the Tonga!" She meant Tango, but how cute that she so easily assumes and claims Tonga on non-Tongan things. It was so adorable.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, Lose said to me, "Mom, I can't remember what Daddy's voice sounds like." It about broke my heart, even though I knew a time like this would come. I was prepared. After she went to sleep last night I cued up one of the DVDs I had made of our home videos. This morning after scriptures I sent all the girlies upstairs to my room to spend a couple minutes watching it so they could hear their Daddy. Malia chose to stay downstairs with me. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and watch the video, and she said, "It's okay Mom. I still remember."

Then this morning I sent Eva and Boo out to the garage to go get in the car while I finished up a couple of last minute things in the house. They both came back inside, frustrated because they couldn't get the door open. I told them to go back outside and try reeeeeal hard, and to use their muscles, to which Boo said, "You mean use our muscles like Daddy's muscles?" I grinned and said "Yes! Just like Daddy's muscles." It amazes me when she says stuff like that, because how does she know that? I try and tell all of them things about their Dad all the time, and I guess she's listening.

Our 5k for Daddy

2011-08-24T14:09:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that July came so quickly, and along with it, our 5k that we run as a tribute to Naki's 5k that he ran just a couple of months before he died. Every time I picture him doing something that was so hard for him and out of his element, especially with a heart that was close to completing it's difficult journey in our Daddy's chest, I am humbled. This year was truly spectacular. Line and Malia decided to take off on their own with their cousin Addie. I was so proud of them. Line wanted another opportunity to try to run the entire thing, and so she, Jackie and I are scheduled to run a 5k on the 4th, which I think is this Thursday. Lose and Jackson ran just a bit ahead of us stroller joggers, alternating between running and jogging. I was so so proud to see their cute little legs, trudging ahead and never quitting. But to me, the champions of this 5k were Grayson and Eli. My sister Katie ran the 10k this year, and so her husband Matt and I pushed our strollers with our littles in them while Gray ran along side Matt and Eli ran along side me. They were troopers! They sincerely wanted to hop in those strollers so badly, but continued running alongside Matt and I, only stopping when they felt as if they were absolutely, without a doubt, going to die. But they did it! They finished. I was so elated for them, knowing that they are carrying their Daddy's legacy on just by pushing on when you want to quit.

Pay no attention to my idiotic face...even my niece thinks it looks a little off. Guess the moment of triumph robbed me of my dignity momentarily.

Lightning Bugs

2011-07-31T14:23:00.003-06:00

Jackie is seriously the sweetest person ever. She is continually serving others, thinking never of herself, and constantly of others. I would do well to emulate her kindness and easy way with those around her. She says she used to think she was boring, non-witty, and unexciting. Although she might have defined herself with those terms in the past, I can say that to us she is, in every moment, providing easy ways to enjoy being in her company just by being calm, soothing, teasing, humorous, creative, and available to everyone around her not only physically but emotionally as well. We are in heaven in her home, because she makes her home heavenly just by being in it.

Friday night she made a nummy dinner for us to take to the library for an outdoor concert they were having. As we sat listening and eating, some dark clouds rolled in, threatening rain and a good storm. It never came. Instead we lucked out with a cool breeze and a visual treat for the eyes that were so common to me as a child I'd forgotten just how much I've missed seeing them...lightening bugs. I hadn't realized that the girls had never actually seen one in person! I felt just like a child, running around trying to capture one for them to hold. By the time the concert had finished, the clouds had passed and the sun had made it impossible to see their lights anymore, but we knew they and their magic were still out there. I hope to see them again soon.

Here is a video of the girls catching one. I've been using my phone as a camera and a video camera, and I keep forgetting that I have to hold the camera a certain way or it ends up being sideways...

Ohio

2011-07-29T14:27:00.003-06:00

During the past school year, somewhere around November, I really got the itch to travel to Ohio to see my sister Jackie, her husband Russell, and their kiddos L'il Russell, Trey, Keyan, and Halle. I brushed it off as impossible, and lived with the dream in my heart. Christmas time came, and truthfully, all I wanted to do was pack up and get to Ohio for our two weeks off. Again, the dream of it stayed in my heart. After several experiences where I kept pushing away the impossible, it occurred to me that perhaps, just perhaps, there was a reason that I kept receiving the same idea over and over. And that no matter how hard I tried to write it off as an inappropriate use of my ever dwindling funds, it was something I could no longer ignore. With this new shift in my frame of mind, I started to be prayerful about making such a trip...when the appropriate time to do so would be, what the budget for it should be, and trying to make sure that such a trip was not just a whim of mine, but that I was actually following a heavenly prompting. Finally, in April when we escaped the grindstone of life for Moab during Spring Break, I had several experiences that let me know for certain that the trip was supposed to happen.

I know that one of the reasons I feel so drawn to Ohio is not only because of the location itself...it's the people who are here. There is such a spiritual connection between Naki and Russell. Those two guys have such a great relationship with one another. It's a hard thing to describe. But I can't count the number of times when Naki would be super late coming home at night because he and Russell had stayed after a game of basketball talking until the early hours of the morning. Their personalities, spouses, children, goals, etc. mirror each other so very much, and even more so their spiritual capacities are equally matched so that they understand each other without any effort. Then as I get older I realize how much I relate and agree with my sister Jackie...her likes are my likes, her dislikes are the same as my dislikes, and her comforts are mine as well. It is easily stated by just saying that I feel absolutely comfortable being where she is, without making any effort to do so, which doesn't happen very often for me. Sisters are just the very best. So at the end of April my sister in law helped me shop and find a great steal on plane tickets, and just like that the dream trip was a reality. We have been skypeing with the Leggs quite often, and have been anticipating the end of the month of July when we would actually get to be inside their house, playing with them, instead of just talking to them delayed through the computer. And now we're actually here!

I was slightly concerned for our flights, since it was to be me flying by myself with my 6 kiddos plus one of theirs, Little Russell. He had been in Idaho with Line and Malia the week before our trip to Ohio at my parents yearly Grandparent Retreat. I could say that I worried for nothing because flying was easy, or I could more wisely say that we had many blessings along the way that made the trip one of the smoothest in my flying experience. Seriously. It all worked out so perfectly. All the kids worked so well with each other, with not a single argument! Not one! Who can say that about any trip, ever? A big thank you to my friends, who drove their car up to the airport with us so that there were two drivers to bring back my car and theirs. Then, all the wrinkles with the seat assignments were flawlessly ironed out, so that children were not sitting by themselves anywhere in the plane. Then, check in was seamless, and all the kids carried their own carryons throughout the airport without a single complaint. We even met family on the way in the airport, making for a nice quick visit while we waited briefly for boarding. In Denver we had only 12 minutes to make our connecting flight, and you should of seen us dashing through the airport, desperate to make it on time, which we did. Then for the next three hours and some on that flight, I am shocked to say that we had not a single problem keeping 7 kiddos calm and happy. I'm astonished every time I think of it. We were met at the airport by the Legg family with their car plus our rental, and we headed for our temporary home for the next two weeks.

I SHOULD add, that I did have a close call with my cell phone. I tend to tuck it in between my left bra strap and my shoulder whenever I'm not using it. Eva, Boo, and I were making a trip to the airplane bathroom on our last flight. Anyone who has ever used it knows those things are a tight fit for even one person, let alone one and two littles. Ane had just finished and I was leaning over to help her pull her pants up, when Eva reached over and pushed the super turbo flush. At the same exact time my phone ever so gently slipppped from its safe spot, aiming right for the toilet black hole and was about to land in the fastest suction headed for no mans land, when I miraculously reached out and caught it mid-fall. Only Naki knows what a true miracle that is, since I can't even catch the remote control he would toss to me across the couch. I decided to tuck it safely into my purse after that.

I love how everyone gets along effortlessly, no squabbles, no fuss. It feels so right being all together. I miss having them closer. (They live out here for Russell's Medical Schooling. He's currently in his last year...)

I have a couple of things that I've written down on my phone so that I would remember to journal them here. Little Russell was flying back with us after having been away from home from over a month. He'd flown out to Idaho with his family for our Family Reunion, and when his parents and siblings left for home he stayed in Idaho so that he could attend his first grandparent retreat a month later. As a result, it had been quite some time since he'd seen his parents. As we were descending, I could hear him sitting right behind me, face pushed up against the window, whispering under his breath, "Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...Mom and Dad...". It was so sweet.

Also on the plane, I overheard a conversation he was having with Lose. He said, "Lose...If your Dad and Jimmer were playing a game of basketball, who do you think would win?" Lose chuckled, and said knowingly..."Jimmer would", to which Russell said with complete belief, "Oh IIIII don't know...Your Dad's pretty good..." I know Naki loves that for sure. :) I hear they still imitate one of his specialty sweet shots at church basketball every time they play.

We were driving to the store on Wednesday and we passed by a field that had a group of cows all huddled under one tree. I pointed it out to the kiddos in my car and asked them why they thought all the cows were huddled in the same spot. One of the them intelligently answered that they were all there for the shade, since it was the only tree around. I was about to agree with them, since that was the same conclusion I had come to, but before I could, Eli said, "Orrrrrr, one cow is in the middle having a baby and they're all watching..." Okaaay. If you say so.

After the store we headed over to a close park for some dinner and playtime. After playing and sweating up a storm in the humidity, we piled back in our cars to head out for some ice cream. I looked in my rear view mirror at all those sweet faces, flushed and dripping sweat, and said "Did you guys have fun? Did you play hard?" And Eli replied, "Yes! I'm actually sweating like a pig." And Eva chimed in, "I'm sweating like a really really hot hot pig!"

Here's an irony for you. We have been meaning to get together for months back in Utah with our dear dear friends the Herrings. Isaac and Naki played football together, and the girls believe he is their blood uncle somehow. And Erin his wife and I go way back to those same playing days, getting together once a week with those big crazy o-lineman for pizza. As I was packing I got a text from Erin checking in with us, wouldn't you know, from Ohio. Yup. They're here, while Isaac works here for the summer. And not only are they HERE, they're like 13 minutes away from Russell and Jackie's house, with a swimming pool in their backyard. So yesterday we got to go have a nummy breakfast together and play in the water for a couple of hours, which is my favorite place to be in the summer.

One strange phenomenon that will forever live in my brain as a result of watching someone die is the ability to see potential death everywhere. It's something that is in my head constantly, that would be hard to explain to others. It never goes away. It is an altered way of seeing things that are alive. Before watching Naki die, I knew that death was real. I knew that bad things do happen that eliminate life and I also knew that death was inevitable. But it had never truly touched my experiences, and so I was able to go through my days living with a fairytale-like knowledge of it. But after having actually watched death happen, I now will find myself in situations and actually visualize what that moment would be like, altered by death. As an example. While we were on the airplane the pilot came out and was talking to one of the flight attendants. I'm assuming there was a second pilot in there taking care of business. But as I sat there watching him chat it up, I actually created a scenario of what the future would look like with our plane crashing, taking all of us plus my nephew, forever altering people's lives because of it. Or yesterday as I was driving on the freeway following my sister's car, a semi truck moved over a lane to be right beside my sister's car, which held some of her kids and some of mine. I found my mind envisioning that semi falling over right onto the van, completely obliterating my family. This creating these death scenarios is not something my mind does for pleasure. It freaks me out every time. I snap out of those moments, frustrated that my mind wandered there yet again. I read in one book that some people refer to it as always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's as if after experiencing something so tragic and traumatic in your life, that you walk around waiting for the rest of your life to be touched with even more tragedy and trauma. Of course I pray that it does not. But I no longer am able to live in oblivion of the potential for heartache.

I have many pics I'm taking on my phone, but I didn't bring my computer with me so I would have to put them on Jackie's computer in order to get them on here. We'll see what I can do. There are some really cute ones.

2011-07-25T14:35:00.002-06:00

I hate how bugs find their way into my home. I mean, I get that we built on their homes and all that. But still. I hate thinking that despite cement, wood, drywall, etc, they STILL find their way through little cracks somewhere. It makes me feel vulnerable.

Anyway. Boo was supposed to be sleeping for her nap, and instead was playing with her dollhouse toys. After an alarming screech coming from her room, Eli ran upstairs to tell me that there was an "ear-wax" in Ane's bed. Huh? I was somewhat confused, until I saw that the said bug was an earwig. Got it. Hard to scold them for not laying down for their naps when they say such cute stuff that causes uncontrollable smiles on my part.

2011-07-24T21:54:00.003-06:00

Writing my feelings and thoughts on my blog has been such an essential part of my healing process. I have done myself a disservice by not writing over the past couple of months. I HAVE journaled, about the girls, but I haven't used this space as a place to sort out my thoughts as I had before. As a result, I have been emotionally stuck. I chose purposefully to not write. I find myself thinking and feeling things that are so foreign and unfamiliar that I didn't want to write about them where everyone could read them. Many of you are supportive and nonjudgemental. But I know a teeny tiny percentage of you that just aren't. That's okay...everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But as a result I chose to hide my feelings in order to make my life "easier". Hah. What a joke. This summer has been so incredibly difficult, and I need to write some things out. I have not decided as of yet if I will write them here for all to read, or if I will write them in a private blog on an invitation only basis, or if I will just keep a computer journal where no one will read what I write. Not sure what the right thing to do is. I only know that if I can find the time to do it, I should. It helps me.

For the past week we've been minus our two eldest, Line and Malia. They've been spending the week in Northern Idaho with my parents at their yearly grandparent retreat. Once a grandchild turns 8 they are eligible to go. I figured out that in about 6 years I can book myself a week cruise, or a trip anywhere I want to go, since all of the girlies will be there for a whole week. Woo-Hoo! Time to fill up my passport. I was just telling a friend of mine last night how much I have this insane craving to fill up my passport. I guess I actually have to own one first. Any suggestions where my first stamp should be to? And this trip is open to others who want to travel with me...just no couples. Sorry all my friends who have a second half. I just don't think I could do a trip that Naki and I always talked about taking surrounded by people in love. Nope. Not happening.

What a fun week we've had, my four littles and I. It's such a shock to realize that as your children age the dynamic of your family is shifting and changing. For now it seems so permanent to have Line and Malia here to rely on and to enjoy. They are such amazing girlies. But in their absence, as they did last year, Lose and Eli have truly risen to the occasion and have shown their own potential for responsibility, nurturing, and buddy potential for mom. Some day that's how it will be! Crazy to think about. I also was able to discover where a major source of my everyday chaos comes from. Yes. It's from them. They are constantly wrestling, shoving, teasing, taunting, and pushing each other over their limits. But they're giggling the entire time. They are so sweet together, and have been so good to Eva and Ane. They've read to them, helped them bathe, assisted them in rinsing their dishes and loading them in the dishwasher, oh! And they've even been in charge of breakfast and cleanup, with little to no problems. On top of all that they've had to divide Line's and Malia's chores up and add them to the ones they already have responsibility for. And they have not complained about it, not even once. Eli came to me this morning and said, with her head hung down, "Mom? I'm afraid I have to tell you something..." "I actually miss being sassed by my big sisters! I can't wait for them to come home." Time apart is good...it helps us remember why we want to be together.

One of the downsides about my process of grief is that I have subconsciously taught my brain to be even more forgetful. Let me explain.

If I were to have let my brain take in all the details of my every day life, I would have never ever survived. It would have been overwhelming emotionally. And so, I would select the things I needed to know that were essential for me to survive for that day, and that day only. As a result, my brain is incredibly forgetful. I hate it! A sister in my ward asked me to play the piano for her today. A beautiful song. I got the girlies up early, took them over to the pool because we're cleaning it and opening it for our friend this weekend, brought them back and got everyone ready for church, practiced my song, and got to church with enough time to practice it in the chapel. My home teacher and Bishop's counselor came to me and said they didn't have a musical number on the program for today, and that it was most likely for Relief Society. Duh. It was. She'd even told me that, but I hadn't remembered. I'd spent the entire time she was talking trying to tell myself to remember that I was playing for her at all, let alone remembering for what meeting. Ahhh...the good ole days when I had my normal levels of forgetfulness.

My ultimate favorite part of the day was during Relief Society. The teacher had asked a couple of different sisters to share some thoughts about how specific principles of the gospel had helped them feel closer to the Savior. She had asked Brenda Oldroyd, a sister in my ward that I adore, to share thoughts on service. Brenda suffered a stroke this past year, and has been on her own journey of recovery and discovery as a result. She inspires us all, as she sits at the doors of the chapel every Sunday in her wheelchair, welcoming everyone and uplifting us all. As she gently and softly spoke into a microphone telling us about how service has affected her, she proceeded to tell a story about one particular day. She spoke of how she had some headphones in and was bobbing her head listening to some music, when her son asked her who she was rocking out to, teasing her about her love for country music. She replied no, she was listening to the Maile girls sing a song. I started quietly sobbing in my chair. I remember the day our Relief Society President told us sisters that she was making a recording to take to Brenda in her recovery facility, and wanted to ask us sisters in Relief Society if we would think of something inspiring to put on there for her. I knew, just knew, that I needed to contribute. It was time to be a giver and not a receiver. I also knew, that there was no way I would be able to get through talking on the recording without breaking down. Things were still so fresh and so painful, there was no possible way I was capable of that. So I signed up, wondering what I would put on there. The Sunday our President came over to my house, I felt prompted to practice a primary song with the girls and have that be our contribution. Brenda has always loved hearing Naki and I sing, and I knew that it would be just the right thing. However. On that day, I was shot. I didn't have anything left to give, and I remember asking Heavenly Father to please, please help me do this for Brenda. Please help me to have what it took to give to someone when I felt so empty inside. I clearly remember all the girls, introducing themselves on the tape and that Ane would not stop talking throughout the entire thing. But we sang. And it was exactly the right thing. I cried and cried as she spoke of how it has helped her, and felt so grateful that God helped me complete His task for Brenda that day. I told her afterwards that we'll sing as many songs as she'd like, if she was interested, to which she said yes. Looks like we have a bit of recording to get busy doing.

Davis Family Reunion 2011

2011-07-09T14:35:00.026-06:00

It seems I only used my camera on either one day or maybe two. So here are the pics I have from our reunion that was just held in Idaho in June. On this day I remember the water was quite chilly, so we life jacketed up and set out for a gorgeous scenic ride. Some of the kiddos took turns sitting on the back of the boat with Grandmother. I, however, did not do that...I had no desire whatsoever to have any of that freezing beautiful water touch even one of my toes. Here's Eva a Grandmother...
I love the wind blowing their hair...here's Boo, Grandmother, and Eva.

Crazy Malia.

I love this picture...Eli and Lo.

Grandmother and Line...

Grandfather giving Boo driving lessons...

Cutie Nathan, my sister Connie's son...

Paige, Connie's daughter, and Kaci, Kami's daughter...

Umm...Malia, how come you never stop making crazy faces every time I try to take your picture? :)

Elenoa Lose...

Sammy, my sister Candy's son...

Some serious driving was goin' on...

Grandfather was kind enough to give me his sweatshirt, and as a result he froze a bit while letting me try to stay warm.

Tori, Candy's daughter, Evaloni cutie pie, and Sammy, Candy's son...

Malia and Grandmother...

I love this picture of Eva. Makes me just want to snuggle her.

Kaci, Kami's daughter, painting Eli's nails while Line watches. Uncle Russell is in the background prepping the sand to bury some girlies.

Three giddy girls...Addie, Katie's daughter, Lose, and Malia...

Uncle Russell, starting the burying.

That's little Sammy, helping.

Paige jumped in as the burying was happening...

Malia, sporting her new sand leggings...

Halle, Jackie's daughter...

Ane Boo, showing me her mouth full of gummy bears...

Abby, Cassie's daughter, and Abby, lovin this sweetie. Have you ever seen anything cuter? She would willingly go into my arms any time I'd ask because she thought that I was a look-a-like of Auntie Ginny that lives with her. I was even called Auntie Ginny on more than one occasion accompanied by her running to me with open arms. Ask me if I care that she had no idea who I was...at least I got to hold and give loves to her.

Line, soaking up all the Halle time she could get.

Addie and Malia, mid dance move. They had a good time choreographing their own little dance.

Now, my Mom just might kill me for 1)taking this picture and 2)posting this picture. And Mom, I'll remove it if you want me to. But I'm so proud of having a mom in her 60s who can still strut her stuff in a bathing suit like my mom can. Just one more way that she sets the bar high for me. Woo-Hoo Grandmother!

Eli really could not get enough of her Uncle Russell. Here they are playing Book of Mormon Go Fish.

Sheldon, Kami's son, and Jacob, Connie's son, loving a game of football. There always seemed to be a game going with someone....

Paige, Kaci, and Line playing some volleyball.

Some more pics of Abby...

Lose and her long lost buddy, Li'l Russell...

Lose, Russell, and Nathan...

Malia, Addie, and Tori...

These little guys just crack me up. And make no mistake, they made these faces because they wanted to have their picture taken like that. I kept saying, 'okay guys, smile!' and every time I got some version of this. Starting at the bottom left, Harley, Lizzie's daughter, Emma, Katie's daughter, Blythe in the highchair, Cassie's daughter, Cooper, Cassie's son, and Abby, Cassie's daughter.

Ohmagosh...Eva was in HEAVEN with this goober. It was so funny to see her towering over Annie, but other than that they were equals in every way...adorable, clever, goofy, sweet, etc.

Malia, Kaci, and Eli...this was right before our family pic. Can't wait to see what that looks like.

Can't wait to see what everyone else's pics look like, since I didn't take nearly enough! Dad, Aunt Debbie, this is my official request for a copy somehow of all those magnificent pics you were always taking. Scottie, you too. Happy 2011 Fam Reunion.

Summer

2011-06-11T23:26:00.009-06:00

Man. It's been forever since I sat down at my computer. These days summer is keeping us busy with it's crazy fun flexibility. We're busy from the minute we wake until the minute our heads hit our pillows, which is far too late for my taste. We need to get to bed earlier or I'll never survive the next two and a half months! I think for me, finally not working at the school is providing me with the hours I always wished I'd had access to for so many necessary projects and fun activities, that I'm on overdrive mode. Hopefully it'll settle down. But even if it doesn't, the fun memories are worth the exhaustion. So instead of spending down time on the internet, these days we hop on the internet real quick to see what the weather is going to be for the day, and then don't touch it again until the next morning. I am sooo behind on the internet to-do list. Emails I have yet to answer, research that I need to do, college classes to register for, blogs to read, blog posts to journal, etc etc. But I thought I'd throw a couple of quick pics on of what we did today. We started the day by taking the first step into our healthier future. Last night some of my girlfriends and I went out shopping for green smoothie/drink produce and came back to our house for a one on one drink-making course. It was fantastic. This morning I decided it was time to start a new morning drink ritual. I know it'll take some getting used to for some of the girls. But I am so excited for the health benefits and the energy for all of us that I know will come as a result of getting all those healthy greens into our systems. Ane is so funny with it...she says "nummy, yummy" the whole time she's drinking it, and asks for seconds. Some of the girls just gulped it all down and didn't love it, but didn't mind it either. And then we had one little girlie, who just struggled with even trying it. I'm not worried because she does that with EVERYTHING. We'll all be so blessed, I'm convinced, as we try so hard to take care of these precious bodies that God has blessed us with.

We then scooted over to a baptism of one of our precious buddies, and the girls sang a duet as a group. Good grief, are those girlies amazing. I was so proud of them. I never get nervous playing the piano, but as I sat down to play for them my back was to them and couldn't see all six of them up there singing, my hands started to shake and I realized that I was nervous FOR them. But it was completely unwarranted. They sang like little angels. And yes, I'm a little biased, but they still sounded like angels! We jetted from there to catch the second half of Eli's tball game, dropping Lose off at a birthday party on the way, and then rushed back over to the baptism luncheon. From there we came home for naps and laundry (for me, anyway!). The four big girlies took that time to decorate their bikes. Auntie Katie had told the girls that her kiddos were going to ride in the bike ride before the parade for Orem Summerfest, and asked the girls if they wanted to decorate their bikes and ride with them. Good grief. You should have seen these girls. They took one day to map out their plan, complete with sketches and write ups. Then they took one day to start tracing stencils, cutting out, and decorating the stencils. The final day was today, finishing of the prep work and finally breaking out the duct tape to make sure it all didn't blow off as their bikes rode in the back of Uncle Matt's truck. Several of them were convinced that they also needed to decorate themselves, and had full costumes prepared. We were able to compromise and some decided to go with colorful socks instead. Line was bummed because she couldn't find a match to the one funky sock she could find, but was thrilled when she realized Addie didn't wear funky socks either.

Although I was in the worst of moods at the beginning of the festivities (I hate parades and all that it involves...parking, crowds, finding seats, and the panic associated with all three of those things, not to mention dirty feet and sticky hands. I have issues people, I already know that) it turned out to be the best night. These three stinkers are so funny...

And as the parade progressed these two didn't want to sit in chairs. No, of course not. I just hauled the chairs along with me for the heck of it. Instead, one wanted to sit in front of me in my chair, and one wanted to sit in back of me, in the same chair. It was...lovely. Although I was a bit oversensitized between the two of them, their sweet young selves smelled delicious and scrumptious. I was close enough to know. And their little chubby fingers and cheeks were right within my reach.

It was a great night. Thanks Brousseaus for telling us about the sweet seats. :) And thanks to the other Brousseaus for providing the seats AND the parking, completely eliminating two of my parade pet peeves. Gooooo, Summer!

Turning Brown...

2011-05-26T22:13:00.003-06:00

At therapy this week Eva asked to work with some paints. She took a paper plate and put all the paint colors together on it. Instead of using those colors to paint onto the paper, she instead chose to mix all those colors together on the plate itself. Her therapist told me that Eva explained it to her that all the colors mixed together made her favorite color, brown..."Brown, which is the color of my daddy, and it's the color I'm turning into!"

Spring Break 2011 day 2

2011-04-28T22:47:00.014-06:00

Day Two of Spring Break 2011:

We started our morning with breakfast at the inn. The girls just loooove staying in a hotel, motel, inn, you name it. They feel like queens, and having a delicious breakfast waiting for them when the woke up just solidified that.

Now even though I had told myself that this was an unplanned week, I of course couldn't quite break from my OCD tendencies and laid out a tentative outline. For this day, because of the weather, I'd planned to go in the morning when it was cooler to a park, go somewhere for lunch, and then come back and do some fun swimming in the afternoon at the inn. But I was terribly outvoted. Line suggested and the others quickly followed her suggestion, that we switch things around a bit, and swim first, play at the park second. I tried to take my own advice I'd written before, about saying yes as often as possible so that when I say no, they'll hopefully understand that I would say yes if I could. So, switch we did. And no, the world didn't fall apart. Who knew? Yes, it was a great learning opportunity for all the kiddos because it turned out to be cold during the swimming and quite toasty at the park, but we lived to tell the tale.

I had forgotten my suit, and so all the girls took turns swimming with Boo and Eva. I was so proud as I watched and listened to them all playing with one another in the water. I SERIOUSLY need to live somewhere with a pool, people. I'm just sayin. Then I was even more proud when they befriended a girl named Addy who was swimming there alone, and I was so happy to see them choosing to be inclusive rather than exclusive. I'm not so sure she realized what she'd gotten herself involved in, but they all looked to be having fun together.

At one point in the day we were walking back to our room on the second floor. There was this one stair case that had half of it covered with a small ramp, I think it was for people to walk down the stairs while simultaneously pulling their luggage down the ramp beside them. The girls of course preferred to go up and down that ramp, and no matter how many times I warned them, then tried to run down it. Sure enough, Eli fell down it and bounced a couple of times on the way down. She was of course sobbing and boo-hooing while we were all guffawing. It looked hilarious! And I'd checked to make sure all bones and such were still intact...only injuries were some bruises and a bruised ego. Of course, during the second half of the day she retold the story, saying that "Remember when I fell down the stairs and WE WERE ALL laughing?" Well, as long as she remembers it with a positive spin, I guess.

We made our way to McDonalds for lunch...the only eating out we did while we were there. We enjoyed several picnics and meals from the food we'd brought with us, which I must say, for packing it all last minute was exactly what we needed. This doesn't happen very often, so I have to include this...the lady cleaning at McDonalds said she’d never seen so little on the floor after a group of kids had eaten..

The girls discovered this stage thingy and played there for a bit to get out of the warm sun. They created this game where the person in the middle picked out a section of the concrete floor as the hot spot, and then sang the tune to "Pop goes the weasel", with whomever stopping on the spot they'd picked at the conclusion of the song becoming the next person in the middle.

After the park we discovered this meandering paved path that covers quite a bit of the town. We started at a spot close to the park where we were playing.

After returning to our room for some dinner, we then headed out in time to catch a movie, "Hop". The girls were soooo excited to see this. Me? Not so much. But no worries. Imagine our surprise when we pulled up to the theater to see that it only had a total of three movies showing, and then we saw THIS sign, an even bigger surprise.

So we all piled back into the car to go find an ATM, and since the town is so small it was super quick finding one. The girls and I agreed, that we were all so shocked at how small the town of Moab actually is. So many of our friends travel there for leisure and family fun we just naturally assumed it was a big and hopping kind of place. It's unexpected size is definitely part of it's charm.

One tricky part of the movie experience was that Daddy and I had a good movie theater system. He would take out any fussy babies, and I would get to stay in with the other babies and keep them unfussy. Now that doesn't work too hot. Sometimes I'm amazed at what Boo remembers. She started to get fussy, and so I stood to take her out but Ane was not having that. She wanted Daddy to take her out, not me, and she told me that in a very loud, scream-like kinda way. She eventually calmed down, and thankfully Eva and Eli were okay with me not sitting right beside them in the dark while I was out in the lobby for a while.

We got back "home", cleaned up and then the girlies crashed while I stayed up to do laundry. This one adult only stuff can get tricky. I hated stepping out of the room to go start and switch the laundry. I've learned that those moments when one just isn't enough, that prayer and reliance on the Lord is what sustains me. I find myself in situations like that often, and pray so hard that instead of my sweet husbands presence and hands for helping, I feel the Savior's presence instead and rely on his all-encompassing hands.

I fell asleep that night happy, peaceful, and yet nervous about the upcoming day, since it was the day I had planned to do Arches National Park. I was so worried that it would be too much for all of us, yet so wanting it to be such a great experience.

Spring Break 2011

2011-04-28T09:00:00.003-06:00

I have been trying to blog about our Spring Break for what feels like forever, but have really struggled with getting these pictures to upload. They sometimes did, sometimes didn't, and when they did upload, would not upload in the order I selected them to. Geez, what a nuisance. So. It is with great pleasure that I give you...our first day of Spring Break 2011!

This year I had the strongest prompting that we needed to go, somewhere, anywhere, for Spring Break. I was worried that I wouldn't have the driving stamina needed to drive somewhere far, so decided to stay and discover parts of Utah we'd never experienced, one of the very things Naki and I had talked about doing more with the girls. It was one of those experiences that I know I was guided to do. At first I thought that perhaps by leaving and going somewhere I was avoiding some kind of catastrophe here. But as soon as we were on the road, it was crystal clear to me that the girls and I were very much in need of spending time just playing with one another. It was so refreshing for me personally to finally be the source of fun and silliness instead of being the one reminding everyone how many minutes until we were leaving for such and such activity, or reminding people of homework responsibilities, or tooth brushing, or bed making, or chore reminders, or shoe putting on, or taking one more bite of a meal, etc. We, all 7 of us, needed this time to just BE together. It was the best time any of us has had in quite some time. The best part was that by just getting to be with one another, there was a miraculous side benefit of NOOO fighting...NONE! The girls were respectful and great listeners, they were compassionate to one another, and so gracious towards everyone they met. None of us wanted to come home, although that's a necessary part of any vacation. It was simply the most angelic time with each other.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner. It was extremely unlike me to quickly pack in 20 minutes the night before a trip and throw some food in the car and not have every detail of the trip planned. But that's exactly what we did. The night before I had also made some hotel reservations at certain places so we'd have a place to sleep. I had a rough idea of what we'd do on certain days because I'd checked the weather for the days we'd be gone, trying to match the activities we wanted to do with the best weather, but other than that I was shooting from the hip. And thankfully, all turned out marvelously. Just perfect!

So, in the order of the first day...

This was all of us, super excited. We didn't even leave at the crack of dawn, another change for my road trip style.

We enjoyed seeing any change of scenery, and these huge mill-things, whatever their proper name is, was new to us and the girls ooohed and aaahed over them.

After a few hours of driving we found this simple rest stop, where we enjoyed our premade lunch which included Malia's cookies she'd baked the night before. It was so fun to see them running around having fun and being goofy with each other.

I was trying to capture video only to have my camera tell me my memory was full. I had mistakenly grabbed the wrong SD card, and it wasn't until that night that I discovered that Line's camera had room on it for all the video and pictures I had wanted to take. She was kind and switched cards with me at the end of the day, so this was the only video I captured on day one.

After we piled back in the car I just could not resist...this was what I got to see out of my windshield. Could the weather have BEEN any better?

I told Ane that it was a good time for a little nap, gave her her blankie, and told her to lay her head down for a little bit. She decided that I actually meant that Line and Malia needed to lay their heads down instead.

This was our first destination...Goblin Park. It was soooo much fun, and thank you Ric for suggesting it. It was fascinating and fun all at the same time. I made the initial mistake of telling the girls we were going to Goblin Park, using a spooky voice, and it kinda freaked Eva out. It wasn't until we were there that she actually realized all was well.

Everyone was assigned partners and before I knew it I couldn't see the big 4 girlies, since I was partners with the two littles. I could hear them, but I couldn't see them. It was easy for that to happen, since these formations were everywhere, all of them taller than we were, so someone could be four steps away from me and I couldn't actually see them. So when I kept going around one formation, then another, and then another, and I still couldn't see them but could hear them, I couldn't figure out where they'd gone. Until, I looked further, and a little higher. They're actually in this next picture...can you spot them?

Here they are again, but this time I zoomed in with my camera. How did they get so far away so quickly? At least they followed the safety rules and stayed together.

Malia showed Eva, Ane, and I how to climb up the gravel-like mountain the girls had found, so we stayed up there and watched the girls play hide and seek.

We set some boundaries for the game, otherwise it would take forever to find anyone in there. It was hilarious having a birds eye view...they could not see where each other were, but from where we were they were only steps away from each other. At the end they had me hunt for everyone. It was super fun. Can you spot the hiders in this pic?

We left there and decided that instead of staying at the motel that I'd made reservations at locally, we'd drive on over to Moab and stay there instead. What a great choice. Again, during the drive there the girls were absolute angels. We used this time for their favorite activity ever in the car...sticker books. Thank you sooo very much Tonia. Instead of letting a girl pick one book that was there's, this time we did 30 minute shifts, switching after the time was up. Before we knew it we'd pulled into Moab. Of COURSE the first thing we had to do was go swimming. I'd picked the place we stayed based on the fact that they had rooms with three beds (which means I didn't have to sleep on the floor) and that they had a pool that was indoor and outdoor.

The one packing casualty that we experienced was that Mom forgot her bathing suit...and that is not a "forgot" kinda forgot. I truly did forget it since I packed in under five minutes right before we left. But true to nature, all the girls took turns swimming with the littles, who mostly lived in the hot tub. It was adorable watching them take care of each other. We crashed that night, tired and happy.

2011-04-08T21:43:00.000-06:00

Every girl should have a sister that while visiting you for their Spring Break chooses to clean your garage while you're at work...not a small feat since I'd been told that it looked like the aftermath of Japan out there. Add to that the fact that all my children flock to her and choose staying with her to clean instead of coming in the car with me. Then the icing on the cake is when she took all the kiddos with her to Kangaroo Zoo for dinner and playing so that I could go through every container on the garage shelves to sort through them and find spaces for all of the items that were piling on the floor of the garage. What is your magic spell you've placed over all of us? We love you. Thanks for coming with some of your sweet kiddos and brightening our days. We miss you already.

2011-04-06T22:35:00.003-06:00

Tonight I read this verse in the Book of Mormon, and it needs to be on a plaque somewhere in my house. It reads,

"And now we only wait to hear the joyful news declared unto us by the mouth of angels, of his coming; for the time cometh, we know not how soon. Would to God that it might be in my day; but let it be sooner or later, in it I will rejoice."
Alma 13:25

Would to God...

Line's before and after

2011-04-04T21:14:00.004-06:00

Line was in definite need of a makeover. Her image was way out of date, and her hairstyle, glasses, and shirt choices were reminiscent of Rosa Parks...

So with the help of our favorite hairdresser, she worked her magic and now Line's a whole new girl, and loving it.

Seriously though, Line has been working for weeks on a school project about Rosa Parks. The conclusion of the project was her class "wax museum" this past Friday, where she dressed like Mrs. Rosa Parks and gave an oral report on her life. She of COURSE did a marvelous job. But the crazy part was how she kinda looked like her. I needed to take a pic.

The other pictures of her are of her new look. I let the girls know that I'd scheduled hair cuts and Line surprised us all by telling us that she wanted bangs. Ohh...bangs...all my girlies' dream hair cuts include bangs, and for me each hair cut that includes bangs means more teaching how to use blow dryers and flat irons, and more juggling all of our getting ready time in the morning, which I've been warned about for years would happen, having six girlies! But I am thrilled to see them figuring out some beauty tricks early, and these ones don't scorch the crap out of their hair, like their Auntie Ginny and I did on our poor poor bangs all those years ago. I can still remember the sound my hair would make as it was singeing and the steam coming out as I "curled" my bangs. I'll never forget the morning Mom threw away the curling iron because she was tired of us frying our hair. I think Ginny and I hyperventilated that morning, trying to figure out what to do with our poor hair without our precious curling iron.

Congrats on the great job at school and the new cute look. Love you Emeline.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

2011-03-18T11:13:00.003-06:00

We all had such a fantastic day yesterday. The night before we all painted our nails green and decorated them with shamrocks and four leaf clovers. Before we went to bed we also had a fun time running through everyone's closets to see what St. Patrick's attire we had. The morning of we enjoyed some Lucky Charms with some green milk, munched on some nummy green shamrock rice crispie treats after school, and convinced our brains that green eggs still taste the same as yellow ones for dinner. But the best part was knowing that we feel the luckiest to have found our own personal pot of gold...each other. Hokey, I know. But the girlies and I honestly talked about that yesterday. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Oh, That Woh-man! (Closer lovers will know where that quote comes from)

2011-03-13T17:36:00.003-06:00

We were in Sacrament Meeting today and things were surprisingly manageable for me as we sat there listening and singing. Through out the meeting, as usual, Eva would tap me and want to show or tell me something. Today she'd aggressively tap me while simulataneously saying something to get my attention. I'll admit that the first couple of times I didn't actually notice what she was saying. Then on the third or fourth time I wasn't sure but it sounded like she was saying, "Mormon". After trying to really decipher what it was she was saying, I realized she was saying, "Woh-man!" to get my attention. You should have seen the twinkle in her eye and heard her loud stomach chuckle when she knew I'd finally gotten her sarcasm. I LOVE glimpses like this of my Eva, the one that makes me laugh instead of cry.

Changes 3

2011-03-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Back when Eva was a baby I took a trip, just her and I, to see my some of my family in Idaho. While I was there I had a conversation with my sisters about eyebrow waxing/plucking/tweezing and what they thought about when it was appropriate for the girlies to start doing their eyebrows. The reason I was seeking other's advice on the matter was because one night as I was tucking Line and Malia into bed, Line asked me, "Mom, why do my eyebrow's look like a man's and yours don't?". We had a cute little conversation about the fact that mine used to look like two caterpillar's wrestling on my forehead, until I was introduced to my first pair of tweezers. I reassured her that when she was old enough, she too would own her very own pair. That day has finally come. It was part of the hair straightening day, and it was super fun to gather all of our waxing equipment around us in the kitchen after all the littles were in bed. (Thanks Canny for helping us pick out the right stuff.)

Oh my word. You should have seen us. It was so enjoyable for me to just banter back and forth with these two stinkers. Line was the most freaked about how much it would hurt and ended up being the most chill about it. Malia on the other hand, was the one who gave Line the hardest time about being nervous, and then ended up shedding a few tears during her turn...you can see her ducking her head at one point. The girls were each other's photographer.

These growing up moments surprise me. When these changes occur as a result of the girls growing up, I want so badly for Naki to be there to celebrate them with us. I crave being able to hear his voice teasing back to the girls and just being physically present. Although I am unable to adequately find the words that will express the feeling I have after we've completed an event that went smoothly and was cheerful, in this case the girls' first eyebrow waxing, I know that even though I didn't see him or hear him, he was an active participant. The times that I don't feel like this are the times when there is contention and when it seems like everyone is arguing and/or crying. In this case, it was just the weirdest experience, to know that even though we did something again without him, somehow we didn't. It doesn't even make sense to try and explain. I think part of it is feeling him through the girls and the things they say and the expressions on their faces as they say it, that I know he would so enjoy. Sometimes it really does feel like I didn't do it alone even though to the eye it appears that way.

Bathtub Buddies, Changes 3

2011-02-27T18:20:00.006-07:00

With our insanely busy schedule, one of the changes that we've reinstituted around here is that many hands make light work. This isn't a new concept for us in our house, but it is definitely an absolutely necessary one that without, the girls and I wouldn't make it day to day. Before Daddy died it was just one we taught and practiced without needing it to work in order to survive. But now the need for us to all work as a team is even more essential than it was before. Naki and I have always believed that children are capable of hard work and it is in fact a tool we want them equipped with as people. Without the ability to work hard it is quite impossible to achieve much in this world. Unless you were our shadow 24 hours a day, it would be impossible to describe what these girls are capable of. They can do ALMOST as much as I can in the house, and soon the quality of their work will be up to par with the quality of an adult's. We've definitely learned that you work hard and then you play hard. The girls aren't always super thrilled about this new change, of course. What child would be? However, when their work is over and they can play, they have admittedly discovered that there is more pure enjoyment in being able to play, knowing it's extreme opposite in it's truest sense. I know that who they are as girlies is a foreshadowing of what kind of women warriors they will become.

The other night we rushed home to do a quick session of dinner and baths so that we could head out for round two of dance classes for the day. This isn't possible to accomplish without the girls being the bathers while I'm cooking dinner. There just isn't enough time for me to do both. I love hearing them in there, talking and playing with each other. It isn't always smooth sailing, but this particular night it was.

Babe...check out your fierce future women warriors. Aren't they just the bestest?

Changes 2

2011-02-24T22:29:00.004-07:00

I know I've written before about my previous epiphany regarding the understanding that God gives us friendships as blessings. I count my friendships as very personal and intimate blessings given by a loving Father in Heaven to help compensate for the best friendship I've ever ever had, but that is currently suspended, waiting to be continued as soon as my responsibilities in mortality are completed. I was taught as a child to "be careful who your friends are"! Pure friendships are relationships that exist because both parties truly wish for the other's happiness over their own. They trust each other implicitly. The love that should exist in an honest and real friendship mirrors the love that our Savior has for us all, charity. I have been surprised to discover that I actually have friendships like this! I say surprised, because I still struggle to believe that I can be worthy of such love from others. Last week some of my friends asked if they could please have some time with the girls so that I could have some time on my own. All of us Maile girls truly needed that time for ourselves in our own way. If you would like to see pics of the girls enjoying their special night while I enjoyed mine, you can read about it here. They were treated to a special night of nummy food and special makeovers. I came back home to girls, all dolled up and feeling glam. It was so sweet to see them feeling loved and valued, learning without even knowing it what true friendship feels like. Line especially loved having her hair straightened, and REALLY wanted to start learning how to do her hair by herself. When I say REALLY, it doesn't quite cover the amount of emotion she used to express her desire.

Let me clarify...she's done her own hair for quite some time..uses product, does her own hairstyles. What I mean when I say doing her hair by herself is using a blow dryer, round brush, flat iron, etc. all by herself. She has such an enormous amount of hair that she is easily frustrated with the challenge that it presents every time she tries to do something with it.

Now. I have known this day was coming, and have personally dreaded it. Again, it would've been nice when I was wanting to have children so badly if it could've been brought to my attention that I'd need to have beautician training. Seriously. HELP! I can barely make my own hair presentable, let alone needing to be the person that needs to teach others how to make their's presentable, too. But after our friends left that night, I promised her that since there was no school on Monday we could just work on it with my undivided attention...and that is a coveted thing around here.

She was so so so stoked! I had to take pictures of the process, which if anyone wants to know, took approximately a total of 3 hours. We're both hoping that she can cut that time down considerably as she practices...which she is doing as we speak. I was so proud of her, that even when she got frustrated she didn't cry and she didn't quit. I guess that's what happens when you really want something badly. Here are some pics I snapped of the process.

Here she is with the finished product. She was immensely proud of herself, and even though I had initially dreaded this, it was yet another change that I actually ended up enjoying. I love watching these girls of ours learning and growing. It is the most rewarding process for us as parents to know that despite our faults and inadequacies, our children can still feel our sincerest love for them. It is the purest friendship I have, and hope to have forever...the friendship of my children.

We of course had to go out and buy her her very own blowdryer and flat iron, and she is using them for the first time today. Such fun.

And...uhh...not sure how this stinker got in on the fun...

Changes

2011-02-24T22:24:00.003-07:00

I've been reading a book called Mindful Eating, and it has so much incredible insight, not only into eating, but into how to live your life in the present. It is based on Buddha's Four Foundations of Mindfulness, and so far it is pretty fascinating. There is statement after statement that I just want to digest, and somehow make a part of my permanent way of thinking. I think it's one of those things that I'll have to read and reread in order to make it a part of myself. Here is one of the quotes that I read last night while waiting at the girls' dance classes.

"The secret for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, and not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."

We're trying to do that around here, although I must say for me that is not an easy thing to do. Not just since Naki died, but really, that's just not my personality. I do look back at the past, I always worry about the future, and constantly live in anticipation of my future difficulties, but honestly do try to enjoy living whatever my present is, whether that's when I was a missionary, newlywed, new mother, etc., despite my tendencies to look backwards and forwards with trepidation.

Having said all that, I've really been trying to see the present with a clear perspective. I've tried to embrace changes, good and bad, as part of my present experience, so that my mind and body will be able to live wisely and earnestly. The next several posts are all about changes happening around here in our house, some good and one not so good. Truthfully I've enjoyed almost all of the changes, even if initially I was unsure about them.

All of the girls, after they moved out of the crib, have moved into this bed. Even Ane attempted to sleep in this bed, if only for one night, only to have been moved right back into her crib. It is a daybed, and we've used it, and used it, and used it some more. The amazing detail of this bed is that it was MY bed when I was a little girl. I remember when my mom ordered it and it arrived at our house, and I have TONS of great memories attached to it with all of my siblings. We've been nursing it along, trying to help it not fall apart, for over a year now. It had a telltale squeak that would give away any child's slightest move while laying in it.

Well, our dearest friends have moved away, and as they were consolidating their things, asked me if I would like to purchase the bed they had been using for their girlies for the steal of all centuries. I leapt on the offer, and broke out my tools to dismantle the old beloved daybed.

We decided to set up the bed under the window because it looks so perfect, but I'll admit I'm extrememly nervous about when that window could be opened and littles are leaning against the screen. I'm currently looking into some window childlock ideas for when winter is over and that window will be start to be opened more regularly.

Eva was super excited to sleep on it her first night.

Then, when Ane saw the bed the next morning and saw that there was a bed on the bottom, she made the decision that she was ready to sleep in a bed and move permanently from her crib. I didn't think it would actually work, and that I would end up putting her back into her crib in the middle of the night. But I am happy to report that I am wrong! I believe completely that since I started working more hours, and my littles have been taking naps at their sitters' homes, in a BED instead of a crib, that she was primed and ready to do it. You have to see what a big deal this is for me. ALL of my past experiences of moving babies out of their cribs and into beds has been a several month long process, one brought on because a new baby needed the bed that the toddler was sleeping in. Even last time, when I tried to move Ane into a bed over Christmas break, was an unpleasant experience. I truly believe that this smooth transition is a gift from my Father in Heaven. This is a snapshot that I took of the girlies this morning when I woke them up.

It seems so weird to not have someone sleeping in the room right next to me. The new bed is a sweet gift from even sweeter friends, and it's a perfect change. But Ane not being a baby sleeping in a baby's bed, that is definitely one of the changes that I didn't want. But it's so fun to see her having fun and feeling like she's one of the big girls.

2011-02-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

I found these pictures on my computer, and realized I hadn't shared these priceless treasures. Addie was over one day, my sister Katie's oldest daughter, and the girls decided to try out all of Line's Spy Gear she received as her Christmas present this year. Of course, you can't be a spy without dressing for the occasion. Because the girls' dance classes require black clothes, they had plenty of black to arm themselves with. Good thing I didn't let out the secret that I have black face paint. Who knows what would've come of that!

100th Day of Kindergarten!

2011-02-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Every school project we work on feels like such a triumph for me...even before Naki died. I feel like it's one of those things that somehow snuck by my notice when I decided I wanted to be a parent. Is it really necessary to have to also be in elementary school again? 6 times over? I dread all the school assignments the girlies come home with. But THESE ones, we really love doing. The kindergartners and 1st graders were assigned to make a poster for the 100th day of school with 100 of any item they wanted. Recently we'd resurrected an old gumball machine that either Line or Malia had received what seems like an eternity ago. It hadn't had gumballs in it forever, and when we finally bought the gumballs to put in it, when we loaded up the machine wouldn't you know the top part had cracked right down the middle and they all exploded and went everywhere. Oh joy. So, after a bit of superglue surgery, we've all been chomping on brightly colored gumballs around here. It seemed the perfect fit for Eli's poster idea. Here she is, the day she brought it into school.

2011-02-20T19:35:00.004-07:00

Happy Birthdy Miss Eli-Bell! Naki and I just CAN NOT believe that this little munchkin, this girl who has challenged, taught, and loved us from day 1, has turned 6years old. She got to have her birthday donut before school and before the rest of the crazy busy day unfolded.

We were excited to get the day to have and enjoy Eli for ourselves, and decided to save her birthday party until later. Since she turned 4 Eli's known that she could get her ears pierced like her older sisters, but her fear outweighed her vanity every time she started considering it. So I was quite surprised when she approached me this year with the news that she had decided to get her ears pierced for her birthday. We'd recently discovered that Lose has a nickel allergy, which would explain the "weeping", or the stud sliding down through the lobe leaving the original piercing location, and burning of the skin where the ear is pierced, which just means that she has to have either super cheap plastic studded earrings or super expensive gold ones. Armed with this new info, Lose and Eli had discussed doing it together which helped Eli feel a bit stronger and braver I think, and it sounded like a good plan. So after school, and then after therapy, we headed out for an ear piercing adventure.

These pictures crack me up every single time I look at them. Since I was flying solo, trying to fill out forms, reassure a girlie that was freaking out a bit, pick out which studs to use, etc etc, I could not let Eva and Ane run loose in jewelry store, for heaven's sake. So I made them sit down, and someone was NOT happy about it. Really, really, not happy.

Lose went first, now quite the seasoned pro at this, it being her 4th time. I'm quite a bit embarrassed even admitting that I didn't figure out what was going on with her before now. Check out her pics...the girls and I laugh every time we look at them.

Now, for Eli's pics. You may think by looking at this first picture that she had just had them pierced from the look on her face. But actually, this is before she even sat in the chair.

Finally, she got in the chair and gathered her sisters all around her. One on each hand, and I think one on a leg or a foot or something. Combine that with me standing there with the camera, the two littles sitting right beside us on the floor, and it's hard to figure out how two employees also fit back into that little corner to do the actual piercing.

If you've never witnessed any of our little Eli's extreme moods, here's a small sample. Seconds earlier she'd been crying, and then this was the next pic I captured.

Here she is seconds after being brave while everyone was looking...

and then this is her seconds after when everyone turned away...

and then finally a couple of minutes later after she realized that she wasn't going to die after all.

Living with our Eli means there is never a dull moment, and that you just never know what emotion of hers you'll be experiencing from one minute to the next. And we love it!!! I'll admit, as a babe that quality of hers stressed the crap out of me. But it has become one of the things we love most about our Lesieli. Happy Birthday Eli!

Hymn 124

2011-02-17T23:28:00.002-07:00

I have the worst memory. Ever. I hate that part of my brain that swears it's going to remember something, and then when I try and recall it, it has disappeared for good. So I started trying to make lists for myself in my phone of things I need to remember. One such list is a list of spiritual promptings I receive. I know that God speaks to me, and I hear Him, often. The problem is that after I've heard him, I then go on with my day, and when the end of the day rolls around all that He has said to me I have forgotten. How in the world am I supposed to grow and discover what He's trying to teach me if I never can remember what it was He said? The list has really helped me more than I thought it would. Now...if I can just remember to check it periodically!

One Sunday I was playing the piano in Relief Society, Hymn 124, Be Still My Soul. I remember while playing it that the words were especially calming to my soul that was at the time in upheaval, as it is again now. After I finished playing I wrote, "Read Hymn 124" on my list. Only now, tonight, did I sit down and read the words. They brought such peace to my mind, heart, and spirit, and I only wish I'd read them earlier. I think I may try and memorize them.

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Despite my bitterness, resentment, fear, anger, dread, exhaustion, confusion, guilt, etc etc, I have to believe what this song teaches. Better yet, I have to believe what God's Spirit speaks to my heart when I read the words. I need to memorize it so that in my difficult moments, I can recite it to myself and balance out my negative thoughts with these sweet and calming positive ones.

2011-02-17T07:56:00.001-07:00

What does it mean if you wake every morning dreading that day? And then it happens again the next day, and the next day, and the next, and the next?

What?

2011-02-16T10:30:00.003-07:00

When winter hit, it put a damper in our routine of visiting Daddy's grave. So whenever we'd visit we started pulling the car to the side of the street closest to Naki's grave, and then we'd roll all the windows down. Each girl would then take a turn shouting out to Dad whatever they wanted to share with him that week. Nobody ever wanted to get out into the freezing cold, and quite frankly it wasn't really possible some times with the amount of snow we'd have to trudge through. It has been really cute to hear the things they've decided to share with Daddy that week, ranging from something they ate that week that they love, something important like accomplishments or birthdays, all the way to an argument they'd recently had with me or a sibling. It didn't matter what day we were there, as we were driving away Eva would always holler, "Love ya, big dadd-eh boot-eh" (or Big Daddy Bootie, but with an interesting accent). I'm not sure where it came from, this new nickname she'd created for Daddy, but it made her giggle to be able to call him that and it's stuck. In the last several weeks Ane has started saying that to Daddy, too. We saw this as pretty harmless, that is, until this past week at the grocery store.

We were paying the cashier, and the gentleman bagger was gushing over how big Ane's eyes were. Then he noticed Eva's, then Eli's, then Lose's, then Malia's, and then Line's. He couldn't believe all these beautiful girls all had such big beautiful eyes. I made the comment to him that they all had their Daddy's eyes, and that was where it got interesting. Somewhere in that conversation, Ane made a connection between his use of the word "Big" and my use of the word "Daddy". He made one more comment, looking straight into Boo's eyes, about her big eyes like her Daddy's, to which she replied without hesitancy, "You have a Big Dadd-eh Boot-eh". He went completely still, stopped bagging and stood at attention, and said "What?", only a little offended and a lot confused. There was no explaining, so we just all giggled and tried to not offend him even further. It was hilarious, and every time the girlies and I retell the story to each other we just laugh and laugh and laugh.

2011-02-13T21:47:00.002-07:00

I am, in Malia's words, totally cheating with this blog entry today. It's actually Line's entry that she wrote for her blog, which is private, so I knew that many wouldn't get a chance to read it. I was so proud of her and all the other girlies today that I wanted to share it with the rest of you. Here is what she posted today:

Today we stayed home due to sickness, so we had church at home. I was responsible for the sharing time, and mom gave me a good idea that since we were studying charity that month, that I should use Dad's shoes to show how he was charitable in those shoes. So, I chose his worn-out BYU slippers,his gray sneakers, his cleats, and his church shoes. Everyone laughed at the sight of me in those shoes, but they had a good time trying to beat each other to the answer of how he was charitable, such as not being puffed up, or seeketh not his own. (These verses are in Moroni 7:45-47) Here is what I said for each shoe.

Slippers-When mom had just had a baby, dad would help us in the morning in his slippers. (Kind)

Church Shoes-Dad would always teach us important things such as being reverant and respecting people in his church shoes on Sunday. (Rejoiceth in the truth)

Cleats- Dad was always teaching us how to play sports patiently and giving us advice in his cleats. (Not easily provoked)

Sneakers- Even when he was tired, he got up and went to work for us in his sneakers.(Seeketh not her own)

Although in these pictures his shoes are way too big for me, it just goes to show that if we want to be like him charity-wise, we have big shoes to fill.

2011-02-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

I know that my recent posts have both been about Eva and Ane and particularly about things they've said about their Dad. But I keep a running list on my phone of things the girlies say or do so that I won't forget them when I'm later trying to write about them. I discovered yesterday that I'd missed writing about something else both of them had said. I'll write about Ane's first.

Several months ago, I think it may have been November, we were at our nephew's Primary Program presentation at their church, and were sitting a few rows in front of some of our other Maile family. Ane was just really starting to talk quite a bit, every day saying new sentences that were astounding and delighting us all. Up to this point she had never verbalized any feelings whatsoever about her Dad and his absence. All she'd been able to communicate was that she knew him by pictures and name. That was it. So my experience that day was a landmark and extremely memorable one for me.

Before we'd gotten out of the car she had been obsessed with this owie that was scabbing over on her hand. She was fixating on it and wouldn't leave it alone. As we sat in church, trying to be oh-so-still and reverent, she wouldn't stop saying, quite loudly, that she needed a bandaide for her owie. With Eva's constant bandaide usage for the first couple of months after Naki died I always had several boxes with me at any given moment. But since she'd stopped digging into her skin to make herself bleed, I'd stopped lugging all of those things around. Point is, I didn't have one for her. We made a little trip through the halls and found a first aide kit with, glory be, a spare bandaide. She was so thrilled. Now, instead of nonstop jibber-jabbering about the owie, all I heard was about this amazing bandaide. On one of the many times I tried to distract her about it, she just shouted out to me, "But I want to show Daddy my bandaide!". I started crying. She had never talked about Naki in any context before at all. It was such a shock to me. I had discussed so so many things with the other girls, but because Ane didn't talk I just said really basic really simple things, without any response at all. What a shock to my system to have her say that. I was ecstatic though, too, just like I mentioned in my other post, that she would think to include him in her present thoughts at all. When I tried to explain to her that Daddy wasn't here and that we couldn't show him right now, she loudly reached past my head and behind me with her cute outstretched arm and tried to get her Uncle Junior's attention to show HIM her bandaide instead. I found her immediate choice a obvious sign that my girls feel a close love with that boy because he makes them a priority in his life. Where would they be without their Uncle Junior.

Eva's story happened just about 3 or 4 weeks ago. But this story goes back to the night that our lives changed forever, the night that Naki sat up in bed with a shout and then laid back down, never to say another word. At that age Eva had a habit of waking up in the middle of the night and crawling into bed with us, and that night was no exception. After I'd called 911 I knew I didn't want her to see any of it, and up until that point she'd stayed asleep for it all which I count as one of God's amazing miracles in the midst of such a time when miracles seem so sparce and absent. So I carefully picked up her little sleeping self and carried her into Naki's office, which has a window that looks out onto the street. She was now a bit awake and I told her to stay there on Naki's futon and look out the window for the firetrucks. She wasn't supposed to get off and if I remember correctly, I told her to use her eyes to look for the truck's lights and to call out to me when she saw them. I tried so hard to not let my panic enter into my voice and to make it seem exciting so she'd stay there, even though it was horrifying in every way.

Fast forward to about 3 or 4 weeks ago. We were driving home from Grandma and Grandpa Maile's house, where they stay some of the days that I'm at work. If I remember correctly we were on our way home for naps. As we pulled up to a stoplight, we ended up right beside a firetruck, big and bright red. Even though they are a constant reminder of heartache for me, I still recognize the amazing good they do, and try to help the kids keep that childhood fascination with them that I once had. Why spoil it for them just because it's spoiled for me? So I said with some fake enthusiasm on my part, "Look Eva! Look at what's right beside us! Look how small our car is compared to how big and tall the truck is!" I was so proud of my false cheerfullness. But her usual response never came. I was surprised to find that she, too, had been faking it for a while. After a long moment of silence, she quietly said to me, "Mom? I wish that I could have stayed with Daddy dead in the bed instead of using my eyes to look for the lights on the firetruck." I was stunned into silence. My mind and heart simultaneously raced, trying to find the right response to her sweet and honest statement. I just felt that I should let her know that I agreed with her, and that I know she wishes she could have been where he was instead of moved away from him. I know that she doesn't realize the horror that she escaped by not being there with "Daddy dead", since he went through several hours of us trying to help him not be dead, but all she feels is that she was somehow robbed of being with him. It was a sad moment for me. I know I made the right choice. But still, it is hard to see her sad because of it. And what a surprise, once again, to hear someone so young put voice to something like that. I had no idea she'd remembered those details from over 16 months ago. These young minds continue to amaze me.

2011-02-06T20:40:00.006-07:00

I despise that this, being a widow and having my children miss their father so desperately, is our new life. Despise it with all my being. However, it has made heavenly things very real in our life. What do I mean by that? I guess I mean that death, no longer having it's mythical type of nature for us, holds real power in our lives. It means that choices in life really DO matter. The paths we take DO have consequences, good and bad. We have a strong motivation for wanting to live the gospel in it's truest sense. That motivation is a big, strong, fun, loving, goofy, thoughtful, wise, cuddly, and spiritual Husband and Dad. But what I've discovered, and I hope the girls discover, is that even more motivation than that lies in the potential relationship we can have with the Savior. I long to make choices to not disappoint someone who has shown and continues to show me such unconditional love. Life is no joke. It is not a period of time to be trifled with. That much we Maile girls know for sure. The girls' Dad's death has sped up their maturity levels and they find themselves in different waters than many of their friends and even many of their family. They see things through different glasses because those are the glasses they've been given. And although I hate this trial, I am grateful for the experiences it gives us to make good choices.

Several weeks ago Lose was at recess with a couple of girls from her class. They were all swinging at the same time and as a result all of the swings were occupied. Malia finished her lunch and came on the playground. She spotted Lose swinging, and walked over to her. When she arrived at the swings, Lose's friends made unkind comments about Malia not being allowed to play with them. Good ol' Lose. Daddy's girl...she jumped off that swing and came out verbally swingin'. She let them know that Malia was her sister, and no one disrespects her sister like that. I love that even though their Daddy isn't here, they still remember all the things he teaches them...and in particular for this situation, that your sisters always come first, no matter what.

Sadly, the next day none of those girls would speak to her. And whenever she would try to walk with them during recess, they'd turn around and yell at her, "Stop following us!". It breaks my heart to imagine her turning away, sad to have been shouted at, and even sadder to have no one to play with. Kids can be so cruel. They then started to spread lies about Lose, and it really broke her heart. On the first day after the swing incident, Malia was unaware of any of the repercussions Lose was experiencing as a result of her actions the day before. As Malia sat in her class, her teacher told all of the students that they could choose to go outside for recess or stay in. The way Malia tells the story, "I had a thought Mom, that I should go outside and find Lose to play with her. I didn't know why, because I always want to stay inside. And all of my friends chose to stay inside for recess. But I decided to follow my thought and go outside and find Lose."

Now, you tell me...isn't that the whole point of absolutely everything that Naki and I are so desperately trying to teach our girlies? To help them be so spiritually sound that they can receive promptings from God and then act on them? As far as Naki and I are concerned that is the number one thing that we want our girls to learn in this life. I was brought to tears as I recognized that because of their Dad's death that had prompted the many many many discussions the girls and I have had about the purpose of our mortality, and the way to return to our earthly Daddy and our heavenly Daddy, that our main goals are being met. No one would have picked this way to have brought them to fruition, but I was so proud of Malia for being open enough in her heart that she #1 heard God, and #2, followed what she'd heard. I would be choosing to be stubbornly bitter if I didn't take the chance to recognize that Malia's spiritual growth was a direct result of her father's death, as is the rest of ours. It makes me proud, and I know it makes Naki proud, to see us figuring out the eternal potential his death has for our family and not wasting our lives with frivolity. Just look at your girls, Babe. Aren't they amazing?

Unexpected

2011-02-02T18:44:00.004-07:00

This morning Ane asked me if she could do a particular thing, or have a particular thing. I don't remember exactly what it was since she asked me during my morning whirlwind routine, but I remember that my answer was no. In a voice that was a cross between a mumble and a whine, I thought I heard her say something back to me. But the shock of her statement caught me sooooo off guard that I knew, just knew, that I must have been wrong in my interpretation. So I said,

Mom: What did you say, Ane?

Boo: I said, But Daddy says I can!

Oh. My. Word. Most people may be irritated at being manipulated, but I was just ecstatic that she remembered "Daddy" enough to use him against me. I'm not super specific at this point in how he's involved with Ane's life. The fact that she was acting just as "normal" in her use of Mommy vs. Daddy just like all the other girls have made me feel soooo giddy.

2011-01-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's official. I've discovered the best form of discipline EVER. It's called CLEANING. I'm not sure when the moment of insipiration struck, but I am so so so glad that it did. Most likely many of you already know what I've only just learned. But for the past two weeks I've enjoyed a clean living room, an extraordinarily clean toy room, a precisely organized library, wonderfully clean floors and bathrooms, and even a clean car and empty trunk. The girls still receive fair warning when they are getting out of line, but when they can't quite pull themselves out of whatever funk they're in, the new punishment around here is an extra chore. And oh do they hate it. At first the threat to them didn't seem all that big of a deal, but after seeing everyone else in the family do something enjoyable while they were busy cleaning, they are starting to see the error of their thinking. Although I am always hoping for respectful children and a peaceful home, it sure is nice to have such a clean one in the meantime.

Eva constantly asks me, "When is Dad coming back alive?". We believe in a resurrection for all mankind, and know that resurrection to be a part of the Savior's return to this earth. Naki and I have taught and continue to teach that to the girlies. Previous to his death the concept of that beautiful return of the Savior's was vague and somewhat mythical. But now we hope for, prepare for, and anticipate that triumphant return for more than one reason. After asking me this question she'll usually say "I miss Daddy" and then move on, and both of these questions are typically a part of her nightly bedtime routine, a time when his absence is especially noticable. But the other night she altered from her normal questions. After she said I miss Daddy, I asked her specifically what she missed about him. I often ask her this question, and her typical answer is that she misses him tickling her. Her response this time was that she misses Dad bathing her, dressing her, doing her hair, playing with her, reading to her, tickling her, making her bed with her, and putting her seatbelt on in the car. I couldn't believe it! She'd never before been able to verbalize the things that she missed them doing together. I thought that by now because of her young age she for sure didn't remember any details. Instead I thought she remembered the overall feelings that he brought into her mind and heart. Immediately I knew that I needed to write down the things she remembered because of the inevitability of her forgetting them. I can coach her on them, and she'll "remember" those things just because I will have talked to her about them forever, but I thought that it was important for me to make a record of her actually thinking of and remembering them all on her own, especially because she did remember them a good 15 months after they'd not been happening.

2011-01-24T00:26:00.003-07:00

I was overwhelmed today. So overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk. The moment came during church as I was listening to a discussion about gratitude and the things that we wanted to express gratitude for. Anyone could talk and say anything they wanted, and I was so overcome with my emotions, truly overcome, I couldn't even raise my hand. If I had, all anyone would have heard was a series of squeaks, sniffs, hand gestures, and more squeaks. I'm convinced the lady who sits behind me has started to bring tissues just for me, since she always pulls one out for me and I have yet to see her use one herself.

So I said nothing...outloud. But inside I was talking nonstop, trying to express to my Heavenly Father how much I recognize those things that I am forever grateful to Him for. My ability to finally clearly see those monumental things I call blessings astounded me, since previously even though I knew I was blessed I was still so bitter and had allowed that bitterness to taint my acknowledgement of those blessings. I am so grateful to find myself starting to come around the bend a bit from the hate and anger that have consumed my spirit for far too long, and the recognition of that was part of the reason I was speechless. I still have a bit in there, and suspect that I always will. Throughout the last 15 months I have experienced more emotions than I ever care to experience again, and more intensely than I care to experience again. But throughout all of it, I tried to do as my sister wisely counseled me to do. She told me to go ahead and let myself have that awful thought, go ahead and express that anger, go on and feel that irrational and illogical feeling, let myself be what I was in the moment. But after I had done that it was absolutely necessary to balance it with something positive, even if I had to think and think and think, and then just be able to say one thing that seemed inconsequential and didn't compare in positive value to the amount of negative value my other things held. I did it, and most days I did it grudgingly, ticked that I had to ruin my dreary and preferrably dark vision and outlook with something so nice and honest, even if it was just saying I was glad to have a washing machine, grateful that the sun was out, glad that my kids were okay with eating cereal for dinner, etc. Small things that I REALLY had to pull out of myself when I did NOT want to see the good in anything.

So imagine my shock today as I sat in church and found myself overwhelmed, just overwhelmed, as the flood of countless item after countless item, neverending acts of service given to my family, numberless blessings I've received and continue to receive, came pouring into my mind. It was so clear to me that all of those things are God's work and efforts to assure me of His love and concern for me, Naki and the girls. I was able to recognize how far I've come from those first awful awful months of despair and grief in it's truest sense. I know that over the last few months it's become easier and easier to find those positive thoughts to place as a balance to my negative ones. But today was as if a sun was bursting out right above my head and it's rays were covering me with their brightness, not to be denied or covered by any darkness I may have been feeling. It was an astounding experience.

It was the culmination of a process of emotions I've been sorting through for some time...the process of holding two opposite feelings in balance with one another. I've been struggling with it for so long. I'd been feeling like I was a walking disclaimer...no matter what smile I smiled, what laugh I laughed, what joke I told, what great book I read, what work I'd accomplished, what child I made happy, what blessing I acknowledged, I needed to give it my readily available disclaimer of "But I'm still very very very sad...you just don't see it on the outside." I'm working on developing an emotional maturity that's difficult to explain, but it requires an extreme amount of self honesty that is, quite "honestly", annoying. I actually want to be sad a lot of the time. I prefer it. It feels so comfortable, and sadness is my friend. We get each other. But if I am being honest I would be forced to admit to myself that being sad doesn't do honor to Naki. It isn't some badge of honor to walk around sad. It IS a badge of honor to take his children someplace fun and to laugh together, acknowleding in my heart that I am indeed having fun AND am extremely lonely, missing him and imagining what it would be like if he were there laughing and playing with us. It's okay to enjoy the activity with the girlies, and then to cry about it later. I can experience both emotions, and still be grateful for the many many things that God continues to give us.

This video says what my words cannot. My friend showed it to me, and I am addicted to it in every way. It is not computer aminated, but is actually done in the old fashioned way...with drawings. It is beautiful and makes me cry every time, because to me it embodies my struggles of opposing emotions and all that I feel for Naki. Enjoy. And have your tissues handy.

reaching

2011-01-14T08:15:00.002-07:00

Last night I fell asleep laying in bed with the T.V. on. I never do that. But Naki always did. So it was the strangest experience last night when I awoke, heard the T.V. lightly in the background and saw the room lit up from it, and did what I always did. I rolled over and reached for him. I haven't done that ever. I've always known he was gone and somehow just knew even in my sleep that he wasn't beside me. I can't seem to find the words to explain how that felt last night, but it was a quick awakening when my hand rested on empty and cold sheets instead of his always warm and massive arm, leg, or chest. It didn't exactly make me sad so to speak, but just surprised me that I had the ability to still do what I'd always done after not doing it for over a year. I guess some habits are hard to break.

Yearning..

2011-01-13T15:25:00.003-07:00

I want to hug, snuggle, punch, kiss, confide in, eat with, laugh at, dance with, pray with, rest with, play with, work with, giggle with, and much much more with this man. Oh, time can't go fast enough till I can do all of those things.

I. Miss. Him.

Cold Snow and Hot Chocolate

2011-01-03T12:50:00.001-07:00

Okay. So in reality it was actually slushy snow and lukewarm chocolate...the snow because that's what we had to play in the day it worked into the schedule and the drink because none of them can stand actual "hot" chocolate. They were so stinkin' adorable, and I'm glad I remembered to take pics, now that my photographer moved out. (We miss you!)

Look carefully at this next picture. At first glance it seems to be a snapshot of someone making a snow angel. But it's actually a moment captured in time of Malia throwing a snowball right on Line's face as she made the snow angel.

Eli made this one...

See the snowball coming my way? I must say I was such a great sport. Playing in the snow is NOT my thing, and I know I've mentioned before that I was always the one inside making the hot chocolate while Daddy was the one playing and yucking it up out in the snow. So you should all know that double duty looks pretty interesting, at least from my point of view. One second outside, the next running inside. I wish I'd thought to count exactly how many times I ran up and down the stairs, grabbing various items they requested and making various drinks and such. It was worth it though, seeing their cute selves frolicking and squealing, with the occasional shouting at each other when they didn't like the snowballs being thrown at them, even though they all did their own fair share of the throwing.

Malia was determined to get me good...let's just say I'm glad her aim was off that day.

She fell to the ground in anguish at her inability to hit me in the face.

Reloading...

Eli thought she'd get a better angle on her snowball attacks.

Charlie sat at the screen the entire time, wishing she was right in the middle of things.

Because I kept going in and out, Boo was confused as to why I wouldn't allow her to come in and out as well. This was her way of letting me know she wanted to be done.

That is, until I gave her a sippy cup filled with her apple juice, which I swear runs through her veins. Who plays in the snow with a sippy cup? She was thrilled to have it though, and it made my life easier for a moment.

Malia orchestrated the snowman building, of course. And it's no surprise who she made the snowman into. I loved it, and the other girls got right on in with the action. Lose DOES have gloves, if you see her little red hands, it's that she just keeps not putting them away when she's asked to, and so couldn't find them at this exact moment. If you look closely you can see the snowball that Malia put in Naki the snowman's hand...

This next series of pics I know look all alike, but I put them all in this post because if you look closely, Eva and Eli's facial expressions change from one to the next, and it made me laugh looking at it. When I asked Malia to lay down in the front, Ane collapsed over like she'd been shot or something and we couldn't convince her whatsoever that only Malia needed to lay down for the picture since she was in the front. Thus, the reason she's laying flat on her back in all of these pictures.

Hope you all get to play in the snow and have some lukewarm chocolate and create fun memories too.

December Babies

2011-01-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

In addition to all the crazy fun that December brings due to the holidays, we are lucky enough to add a bit more craziness with two December babies, Anamalia and Evaloni. I know it's so cliche to say that it's shocking when you realize how quickly time flies by us all, but to Naki and I it really does feel like just yesterday when these babes were born and we met them for the first time. Being a parent is our greatest blessing hands down and it's always such a joy to celebrate the years since they were born. Here are pics from various days when we celebrated their birthdays, from special breakfasts, decorating their own cakes and cupcakes, and birthday parties. We love you girls immensely, and pray you feel that everyday. Happy Birthday girls!

2011

2011-01-01T10:34:00.003-07:00

No one is more surprised than I am to see happy faces on these munchkins after what has been the most difficult year of our lives. 2010 brings mixed memories and emotions for me, and it is a complete miracle that after all of it I am starting to see true glimpses of happiness on their faces. Here's to hoping that 2011 is manageable, that it brings us closer to who we want and need to be, and that we will be able to say with complete honesty that we made every effort to honor the God who gave us life and gave us each other. Happy New Year everyone.

Caroling

2010-12-22T15:56:00.004-07:00

A little bit of Caroling love from our family to yours...

Bread and Turkey

2010-12-22T14:41:00.005-07:00

A friend asked me last night if I experience guilt as part of this grieving experience. And my answer was a resounding "Yes!", for more things than you can even imagine.

One of the areas in which I experience guilt is in the way I was socially while Naki was alive. I know I've already written about it before in a separate entry, but being social is not my thing, and it IS Naki's thing. As a result there were many times when Naki would have preferred to be out, as a family, socializing and getting together with his friends and family, but knew how difficult it was for me to do, so didn't. Don't get me wrong...he wasn't some tortured individual that lived unfulfilled because I held him back. There were many many times when I knew something was important to him to be involved in and so I'd go along with it as a supportive friend and wife. But I do know that he would've done more of that sort of thing if I'd been game for it. Only now, as I've been forced to be the mouthpiece for our family and have been pushed and shoved to be social in a way that I've never been comfortable doing, do I see the benefits that he'd realized all along. No one knows better than God and I how I wish I could change that, and experience what I'm learning now with Naki by my side instead of... not.

The girlies' Uncle Isaac is one of those benefits. He and Naki played football together at BYU, and since Naki died he and his wife have been some of the friends to us that I didn't know we had all along. Isaac has made it a priority to stop in and stay for a while, allowing the kids to crawl all over him, balance on his outstretched legs as he lays on the floor on his back, lifting them upside down by their feet to help them "walk on the ceiling", being willing to break a sweat every time he's here. At first I was horrified by their behavior, asking them after he'd leave if they couldn't just sit and visit with him. But in therapy I learned that having a male figure to wrestle with and roughplay with was a vital and necessary part of their development that without Naki would be left undone. Daddy was forever wrestling with the girls, playing on the floor with them, giving horsie rides to them, etc etc, and they all miss that terribly. Isaac is more than willing to let them do it, the girls are extra willing to do it, but I had to relax and let both parties enjoy themselves. They just can't get enough of their Uncle Isaac. And to top it all off, he bakes the best homemade bread which he lovingly delivers when he comes. And it shouldn't be left unsaid that Erin, his sweet wife, gives us that opportunity of having him over here by shouldering all that a strong Mother does when their husband isn't home. Thanks to both of you for what you provide to the girls.

These other pics are from the girls' school activity, the Turkey Trot. Every Thanksgiving the school holds a race for each grade by gender. The winner of each race takes home a turkey, and the 2nd and 3rd place winners in the past received a candy bar and this year won a school water bottle. May I humbly say that we have four of those water bottles being used around our house! The girls all had a great time, well, maybe except Line who REALLY wants to win 1st some day. :) And I was lucky enough to get to hang around outside watching all of the races, since the teacher I work with at the school was willing to let me do so. Hopefully next year they won't decide to do the same kind of race for all the employees...yikes, that has potential embarassment written all over it. Great job, girls!

2010-12-21T09:57:00.002-07:00

In this household we try to wear our Cougar Blue every game day that we can. It's pure luck on my part that when those days roll around everyone has something clean that qualifies. On this particular day Malia asked if they could please add some face paint to their weekly routine. Now, it is not my inclination to add things to my life that are mess potential, or chaos potential, etc. I barely handle the normal things let alone adding more into the equation. For some reason I said yes, and was so glad I did. They were so cute! They used the black and silver face paint left over from Halloween, and were really getting into it. Just listening to them alone without watching them was entertainment enough. Malia, the ring leader, was painting everyone elses' faces, and wanted to do hers as well. I told her to be careful, and to remember that since she was looking in the mirror while she was doing it that in order for it to end up readable she'd have to apply it backwards. Apparently she didn't get what I was telling her.

Here's what it looked like in the mirror...

And here's what it looked like to the rest of us...

Lose decided to apply a mole like her Daddy's, right by her nose. It was funny listening to them debate which side Dad's mole was actually on...

Go Cougs!

2010-12-19T16:21:00.005-07:00

I've always been so unspeakably impressed and in awe whenever I'd hear of someone experiencing an unspeakable tragedy, and yet they still clung to their belief and faith in God. I am even now more impressed and in awe than I ever have been. After experiencing my own tragedy, the one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that God loves me, and that His Son, my Brother, knows my pain, knows my weaknesses, loves me immensely, has a bottomless amount of patience for me, and somehow manages to continue to carry me every day to a better place. This is no small miracle, I assure you. I have been to hell and back with a couple repeat visits lately, and sometimes I stay for a while. I have been confused as to why this is the path I have to walk, and as a parent myself I wonder how God can watch me, his child, endure so many daily difficulties and heartaches. My resentfullness, anger, bitterness, and offended spirit struggles on a daily basis to make it through this enormous somewhat seemingly insurmountable mountain of my life. I've yelled at God, talked to Him, pleaded with Him, ignored Him, begged Him, questioned Him, looked to Him, tried to understand Him, and mostly tried to make myself open to what He is trying to teach me. I do not say this lightly, when I say that I love Him. It is a loved hard earned, not easily understood on my part, and one that I have worked very very hard at developing. To me it is my own small miracle that throughout my immense sadness and hurt that I can say with peace and comfort that I know that I am loved and cared for by them. Do I agree with their methods? Maybe not, and maybe admitting that makes me a fool. Do I hope to someday understand their methods? Absolutely. Do I wish Naki was here to explain them to me like he always had? More than I can express. But perhaps that is a small portion of what this is all about...my own journey towards my Father and Brother. A journey that I continue to make one step at a time, with many tears and many friends helping me along the way.

I have struggled so much over the last three months. I wish it hadn't been so, but it has and I'm trying to make my way to the surface of it. I've truly been drowning for many many weeks, although I've desperately attempted to fake my way to the surface. Faking doesn't work. I just get sucked down deeper and deeper, hoping for a breath of air to sustain me. I've received some much needed gulps of air from some unexpected sources this week, and they were such a relief that I cried from knowing their ultimate source.

It seems so contradictory to feel so sad and distraught and yet be able to say that I know I am an incredibly blessed person in the same breath. But it is the truth.

Cutie

2010-12-18T19:59:00.001-07:00

Line just said to me as I was cleaning up dinner, "Mom, Ane gave me the rest of her roll and Lose gave me the rest of her milk shake. How much better does it get?"

Charlie, The Beast

2010-12-15T16:23:00.003-07:00

We love our pet, we really do. But it's time for a couple of surgeries that will hopefully tame the beast in her a bit. She goes in tomorrow for her lady surgery, and two weeks later she's scheduled for her own special mani-pedi. We tried to spare her those surgeries, but she is making us crazy, attacking our lower extremities nonstop, leaving streams of blood down our legs and traumatizing ALL of us, even Line, who is way more forgiving towards Charlie. No one is able to walk up the stairs without watching their backs the entire time, knowing that Charlie is about to eat your feet alive at any second. The second you think all is calm as you read on the couch, she attacks any dangling limbs she sees. As the mom, I'm tired of any tears that I can prevent...we have more than our fair share as it is. And if she's not careful, there's going to come a day when the girls aren't going to have any more patience with her stalking habits. Since I'm trying to avoid that, it's surgery time.

When I told the bigger girls what the first surgery was for, they were disappointed that she wouldn't have any babies. I told them that it was highly improbable that that would ever have happened anyway, since she's an inside cat and isn't ever in the right scene for a little hanky-panky. They all giggled at what they thought was a very risque joke for Mom to say outloud, and then Line replied, "Ohhh...but she's so attractive!" Poor Charlie...apparently all her good looks are for naught.

Now. Are there any surgeries out there for another lady who feels like she could use a couple of tweaks to her always-sad, always-tired, always missing her old life while trying to adjust to her new one personality, before those she loves decide they might just not have enough patience for her anymore? *sigh*

Halloween 2010

2010-11-11T21:52:00.002-07:00

Every time I look out the doors in my kitchen that lead to the back porch I feel such a sense of elation at what I was able to get done last Friday afternoon. I took the good weather and our completely open schedule as no coincidence, knowing I only had a couple of hours to get everything done, and so set to work, happy to finally be able to spend some time outside working in the yard. Thanks to help from two different neighbors, the swamp coolers were finally covered, and the leaking water shut off valve was finally fixed. I disconnected the hoses, turned off the water outside, mowed the yard, weeded all the plants, took down all the Halloween decorations, put away all the outside furniture and planters from the patio, and swept and sprayed everything down. The girls helped pick up all the apples from ours and our neighbors trees, and then spent the rest of the time playing outside. I loved seeing them giggling with one another, the wind in their hair and kissing their cheeks, just as happy as I was to be outside for one more day before winter was here for good. I can't describe why I feel so good about that day, but I've always been a dork, feeling happiest when I knew I'd gotten things done that needed to be done. I feel so grounded when I am pulling weeds, checking leaf buds, and smelling the glorious fall air.

Even though I've been feeling terribly sad these last few weeks, I have loved every minute spent driving anywhere, because it means that I get to see all the leaves that are changing, have changed, and the difference that brings to the landscape around me. I started laughing outloud the other day as I realized that one of the reasons I feel such peace when I look at nature during this season is that it reminds me of being in my house, my safe haven. The colors I see outside right now are the same exact colors that I've surrounded myself with in my house...hmmm...something about that color palette must make me feel secure and safe.

Today I spent the afternoon looking for something we could use every year to bring to Naki's grave in honor of Thanksgiving. I really wanted to find something that signified the true reason for Thanksgiving, which to me is giving thanks for all that the Lord has given us, but that yet still had a Thanksgiving/Turkey-Pilgrimish feel to it. Not as easy as you think, let me tell you. My friend Cyndi and I were talking last week about how her Dad always said that he feels that Thanksgiving is the unsung holiday. I agree completely. How is it that something as important as giving recognition for all your blessings is so easily missed? I've been looking for some time for his headstone decorations, and most stores have nothing! In fact, they already have their Christmas decor out. And even most of the things that I did manage to find were turkeys and pilgrims, which of course are very Thanksgiving oriented, but just as in everything else I think about lately, I wanted to find something with a little more depth. One plaque I found reads, "Our Greatest Blessings Call Us Mom and Dad". And another framed thing I found reads, "I'm thankful for the Harvest, I'm thankful for the Fall. I'm thankful for so many things, but for Family most of all". That was just what I was looking for. I did manage to find a little turkey thing too, since he so enjoyed eating that darn bird every year, and also a fun little sign that says, "Family and Turkey and football...Oh My!", which sums up what Naki loves about Thanksgiving. I felt such relief to feel like I had found a couple of things that will hopefully be a tangible way for the girls to remember him next week.

Having done several major holidays, baptisms, and birthdays immediately after Naki died and having survived them, I really hadn't given much thought to them this year. I wanted to get through our one year mark, which we did, and that's all I was really thinking about. Only as Halloween week was here did I realize how foolish I had been to think that it could be any easier. Silly girl. Naki is the one that makes Halloween for me bearable, truly. It's just not my favorite thing, and I know that I mentioned that before. I must give a HUGE shoutout to the anonymous donor last year, who after reading my post about how much I hate thinking of Halloween costumes, dropped off a huge container of fun costumes and fun costume pieces, which made assembling the girlies' costumes this year a cinch. They had fun doing it and so did I, unbelievably. A big thank you to whomever that was...we felt so loved as we dug through that treasure chest of costume treasures.

I wrote in my post about Naki's Y pumpkin that he was the master carver at our house. Last year my sister and her husband were here, as well as my Dad, and they oversaw the pumpkin carving extravaganza. So this year it was up to me...oh joy. We made it a two day project, and combined it with our annual caramel apple treats. It used to be that Naki would sit at the kitchen table and work with some of the kiddos carving pumpkins while I would work with the other ones at the kitchen counter, making our delish caramel apples. Since I was a one woman show this year, we split it up over two days. Friday afternoon we went and shopped for the pumpkins. Thank Heavens for Maceys, they still had some. And they were huge! So huge that you should have seen us ladies, trying to climb over the stand of pumpkins to reach the ones that we wanted, only to try and lift them and realize that it was going to take some serious muscle and some serious maneuvering...those suckers were heavy! At one point I'd hopped from pumpkin to pumpkin, like they were lily pads or something, got to the top, grabbed the one that one of the girls wanted, and realized there was no way I was going to be able to come back down in one whole piece. Lucky for me, or not so lucky since I completely believe now that all "luck" is God watching over me, a neighbor just happened to be walking into the store at that very moment and helped me by grabbing the pumpkin, and then helped me climb down. We got all those big babies home, and while they started brainstorming on their carving ideas, I started on the apples.

We finished the apples that night and started on the carving the next morning. Here are some of the masterminds at work...

Because of my complete uninvolvement in the carving last year, I had no idea where to locate all of the child-friendly carving tools that we've acquired over the years. I knew I didn't have the stomach to find myself in the emergency room, the same one I was in with Naki, should any carving injuries happen. That left me to carve ALL the pumpkins, and I found myself struggling more and more emotionally as I moved from pumpkin to pumpkin, feeling so angry that Naki wasn't with me to do this together. I hate that anger emotion more than any of the other ones, I think. It feels so impure, so out of place, and yet sometimes exactly what I want to feel. I tried so hard to make it a positive experience for the girls, desperately trying to separate my issues from the fun they were having. The girls were great pumpkin-gut-scrapers and removers, and then I did the carving.

Here are the finished products.

Eli's:

Line's:

Malia's:

Lose's:

Eva and Ane were the helpers with Daddys' Jack-O'-Lantern this year.

Here are the pictures from my camera of the girlies in their costumes that I took on Friday morning during our school's Halloween Parade. As I was walking my my Kindergarten class, a teacher walking right behind me took pics of me and the girlies...

This next pic is one of my favorites, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because just look at Ane...this is what she was trying to do as I walked by. And secondly, because look how unfazed everyone is around her. I hadn't realized it when I took this picture, but just now as I was studying it, I received the truest feeling of love in my heart for everyone surrounding Eva and Ane. I can not adequately describe the feelings that I'm experiencing right now, as I just discovered that the people in this picture all sat together for this parade to see their own children march by in their costume glory. But I do not doubt that they saw my friend Cyndi walk in with not only her little kiddos but mine too, and they all came together, either consciously or unconsciously, with love and support for me and for each other. I am so blessed with the best of friends. I love you! Chases, Jordans, Andersons, and Scoubes families. You are angels, truly.

And here are the photos I took on my camera from the evening trick or treating festivities. Some of the cousins hadn't arrived yet when I took pics, but we were able to see everyone. It's always so fun to see what everyone comes up with for costumes.

Gosh...I just realized for a Holiday that I'm not fond of, I sure take a lot of pictures of it.

Even though I had such a difficult time actually doing the traditional activities that each holiday brings, it's always such a relief to know that we've done them, and done them well. It brings complete satisfaction to my heart to know that as their living parent, I gave EVERYTHING I had to whatever project we were doing. I know what I'm capable of, and God knows what I'm capable of. When those two match, and then I actually see whatever it is through to the end, it brings such peace to know that when I see Naki again I'll have absolutely no regrets, and I know how proud he'll be of me for doing hard things. Happy Halloween everybody...

From My Point of View

2010-11-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

This is Naki's wedding band that I now wear as a necklace. Ever since I started wearing it, this is what I see every time Eva sits, stands, or is anywhere near me. She loves putting her finger through it and just staying close enough to me so that she doesn't have to stop. Now when I tuck in Eli and Lose they make sure they get to touch it as I give them a kiss goodnight. I've received many a whiplash as I've pulled back from giving them a kiss only to realize they were still tightly holding onto Daddy's ring. Lose tells me she wants to be able to touch something that her Daddy touched, too. I try to tell myself that I would be okay, I would survive, if something happened to his ring. But I'd only be lying to myself. I, too, feel so connected to him, just by holding it and rubbing my fingers on the hard edge, because that's what it would feel like whenever I held his hand while he was wearing it.

Daddy's Jack-O-Lantern

2010-11-10T07:00:00.002-07:00

After Line and Malia's volleyball practice one day we made a quick stop at the cemetary to take Daddy's pumpkin and treats to his grave. He is the master pumpkin carver, and was always carving the scariest pumpkins, freehand, to impress all us girls who usually chose to carve silly faces on ours instead. So the last year he was alive he was quite pleased with himself when he managed to surprise us all by carving a "Y" for BYU instead of the usual frightful face. We loved it, of course! I decided it was only right to bring one to the cemetary for him this year, as well as his most favoritist treats EVER, Reeces Peanut Butter Cups. We lit the candle, sang our traditonal song that we always sing after we've lit it, and sat down and ate some treats together. It was quick, chilly, and perfect. I really really really miss him, and can't wait for the day when I don't have to feel sad anymore. Today the sorrow and grief feel a bit overwhelming, but I remember that day it didn't. We were all laughing, and totally loving scarfing down our treats. Happy pumpking carving, Babe. Hope you liked yours.

# 85

2010-11-09T06:19:00.004-07:00

Some time ago my friend posted a sort of "bucket list" on her blog. #85 on the list was to hike the Y, something that I was shocked to learn that she and her husband hadn't ever done, and they grew up here! She and I had talked about it back when she'd posted it, that when she was ready to do it, we'd love to go with her. Time is blurred to me right now, and I can't remember if she wrote her bucket list before or after Naki died...hmmm...weird how that happens. We finally decided it was time to stop talking about doing it and just go do it. The timing couldn't have been better. The Saturday that fit into both of our schedules turned out to be the 23rd of October, a date I'm not terribly fond of, since Naki was buried on that date. But I knew that accomplishing something great on that day would help replace all those negative emotions with some positive ones instead.

Hiking the Y for me has nothing but positive Naki memories. I will never forget the images I have in my memory of him doing something that was hard for him but he did it anyway. Having the extra knowledge now about how his heart was actually functioning makes it even more unbelievable. He has set a fantastic standard for me, and so as I imagined carrying Ane on my back and convincing Eva to hike all the way up for her first time by herself, he was my inspiration. Don't be fooled by the pictures with Eva smiling. I didn't even realize she smiled! My memories of Eva during the hike were not of a smiling girlie...although I guess these pics were taken at the beginning and the end. It helped me to not freak out at Eva, knowing that the Jordans were being so sweet and so patient with us. I'm positive that it could have been a much smoother experience for them, had we not been there. Let's be honest. Almost every person we come in contact with would have an easier experience were we not there. But the Jordans welcomed us with open arms, and even though this hike was about Cyndi's #85, by allowing us to come along it helped me to create a new and much more positive experience to connect with October 23rd. Thanks so very much for allowing us to hike with you, Jordan family!